Scarce
by Cheryl W
Summary: Set 3rd Season: After Irresponsible and John's wild west gunfight with Kolya, John tags along on Major Lorne's boring supply mission but it turns anything but boring when savage beasts chose them as their next prey. No Slash.
1. Skipping Town

Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to claim Stargate Atlantis and John Sheppard as my very own, they aren't and I am making no profit from these ramblings.

Author's Note: Set 3rd Season: After Irresponsible and John's wild west gunfight with Kolya, John tags along on Major Lorne's boring supply mission but it turns anything but boring when savage beasts chose them as their next prey.

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Chapter 1: Skipping Town

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Finishing up his final jumper prep for his two man mission, Major Evan Lorne was surprised to find, not the Marine assigned to join him, but his commanding officer slipping into the co-pilot seat of the jumper and making himself comfortable. "Not that I don't relish your company, sir, but if Lt. Supplee is sick, there are at least ten other Marines who could do this with me," the Major initiated their lines of communication, knowing his CO might not. Then he watched his leader's face for things the man wouldn't say, read the grimace as Sheppard shorthand for uncomfortable feelings.

"A little time away from Atlantis will do me good," and there was chagrin in Sheppard's tone, like he wasn't skipping off the base for his own good but for someone else's.

Trying to express his concern for Sheppard's need to escape the base without, well, expressing it, because Sheppard wasn't a touchy feely kind of guy, Evan needlessly pointed out, "You just got back from an off world mission seven hours ago, sir."

"Right…yes," John admitted almost initiated the jumper engines before he remembered he had agreed to be a benchwarmer. Focusing on things NOT involving the jumper functions, he turned to Lorne, saw the other man wasn't letting this go, was giving him that 'waiting for further orders sir' look. "I was feeling a little …cramped."

' _By all twenty miles of Atlantis_ ," Evan almost snarked but saw the Colonel was avoiding him now, tapping his fingers against the side of the ship, along the control panel, like he was itching to take over. And seeing Sheppard restless instead of his usual laid back self, sent flares of worry through Evan. Out of concern, he dropped his military formality, "John…"

Not wanting Evan to say whatever he was about to, John was desperate enough to stall that to reveal a portion of why he was sitting in a jumper, encroaching on Lorne's mission. "Everyone's kinda pissed at me. Thought it best if I made myself scarce until they cooled down."

And John recalled his teammates' rebukes after his shootout with Koyla.

SGATSGAT _**Six Hours Prior**_ SGATSGSATSGAT

Of course Rodney was the first one to break the silence that had fallen after Koyla's collapse. "Are you out of your mind?! You knew the personal shield's power could be nearly depleted, especially after that bomb blast and yet you stood there and let them fire every single bullet they had at you?!"

But Ronon stopped over Kolya's corpse and got right up into John's face. "No, what was stupid was giving Kolya another chance to kill you! You think he deserved your respect…an honorable death!? Was he thinking of honoring _you_ when he had a wraith suck the life out of you?!"

Teyla had wanted her say too. "John, you shouldn't have…" but John cut her off, didn't need her to voice her disgust at what he had done.

"What? Killed him? Should have taken him into custody? Well I'm sorry…to all of you who could have done things better but I'm not going to say I was wrong, wearing the shield, facing off with Kolya or killing him."

Beckett thought that moment was a safe time to begin patting him down, searching his body for bullet holes. John had irritably pushed the doctor's hands away. "I'm fine!"

"Fine, are you?!" Beckett's brogue had been strong with his frustration, anger and residual fear. "You've been in a bloody explosion, spent hours running around trying to stay alive, fighting," (there he had picked up John's hand to show his bloody knuckles weren't going unnoticed), "and had 60 bullets come at you. Nearly 61 bullets," he had amended, jerking his head back to Kolya's corpse.

"Doctor, why don't you spend your time checking to see if anyone here _actually_ needs your help," John groused and walked away, began helping to round up Kolya's men, anything to distance himself from his disapproving teammates.

SGATSGAT _**Present**_ SGATSGSATSGAT

Stuffing the memories of the chilly, uptight return ride back to Atlantis with his team back into the box in his head, John smiled at his second in command. "I'm at your full disposal, Major. Consider me just another one of your Marine grunts along to do your bidding. This is still your mission." And John thought it would be a welcome relief to be able to simply follow orders, to not be responsible for lives, to not be a disappointment to everyone around him.

Evan fought back a sigh. To his recollection, John Sheppard never just tooled along meekly doing anyone's bidding. And John wouldn't be skipping out of Atlantis if he wasn't hurt by being on the receiving end of "everyone" that was supposedly "pissed" at him. Then there was the stunning act of John admitting, even in this unspoken way, that he was hurt…it definitely meant things were at DEF CON 3. ' _Great and he's hitched a ride with me because I am sooo good at helping people patch up emotional wounds. Me with two ex-finances who think I'm emotionally incapable of admitting vulnerabilities, not to mention one ticked off mother who wanted to be able to "visit" me on my base someday to which I gave a resounding 'not a chance, mom'.'_

Watching Lorne sit there immobile in the pilot's chair, John wondered if his second in command was going to officially request he get the heck off his ship. Feeling like he was unknowingly pulling rank on the Major by forcing him to endure his company, John began as he started to get out of the co-pilot chair, "Major maybe I should just get your marine escort back here and I'll just…."

Realizing that the colonel had read his self-internalizing worry he'd fail John in his somewhat time of need as Evan's desire to boot Sheppard off his ship, Evan quickly snapped, "I don't remember giving you permission to abandon your post, Sheppard," eyes coming up to meet John's, hoping the man knew it was his way of extending his invitation for John to join him.

John gave a lopsided smile. "No sir, you didn't," he replied as he reclaimed the co-pilot seat, before questioning his temporary superior. "Permission to ask about the mission parameters, Major."

And that was just like the Colonel, to volunteer and then find out what he was volunteering for. Giving a smirk and a shake of his head at his commanders antics, Lorne read in his mission teammate. "Probably a pretty boring excursion, sir." At his addressing Sheppard formally slip up, he amended, "Sorry, grunt _Sheppard."_ A snarky putdown that earned him an approving chuckle from Sheppard _._ "We are hoofing through about 6 miles of woods to take supplies to a new ally. They are mostly farmers, have some weapons …like our great great great grandfathers used in the revolutionary war."

"We talking sabers or ball and muskets?" Sheppard asked, suddenly liking his decision more and more. Getting back to a simpler time without stunners, constant communications and ancient tech appealed to him.

"Both. I think they might be playing around with black powder for explosions but aren't there yet," Evan surmised before he admitted. "Honestly I like them. They work hard, are willing to join a fight against the Wraith, regardless of their lack of weaponry and …."

Sensing the Major was purposefully drawing this out by the twinkle in Lorne' eyes, John prodded, "And what?"

"They have the best ale in all of the Pegasus Galaxy."

John held back a smile, barely. "And you of course only partook of this ale for the sake of good will between you and this settlement."

"Absolutely," Evan managed to agree straight-faced. "I really think the whole negotiated peace hung in the balance of immersing myself into their culture. Fully…a few times." Then both men broke into smiles.

"Well then it would do harm to this peace if we didn't join them again in a toast for two, right?" John said before he deferred, "With your full permission of course, sir."

"In some instances like this, you just have to take one for the team."

"Very noble of you, Major."

"I learned a lot from my CO," Evan quirked and John turned on a beaming smile.

"He sounds like a great leader."

"Ah…actually a bit mediocre and predictable," Evan joked. "You probably wouldn't like him. Good thing you have me for a boss instead."

"Right, yeah, I'm thanking my lucky stars for that," Sheppard sarcastically drawled.

Then a technician from the control interrupted them. "Major Lorne, are you ready for us to dial the gate?"

"Affirmative," Lorne commanded, waited for the "Gate is now open, sir," response from the technician before piloting the jumper down into the gate room and then swiftly through the gate. They breached the stargate onto a gate surrounded on all sides by towering trees and a thick forest expansion. Expertly, Lorne landed the jumper, shut down all the controls and turned to his companion. "Welcome to MRS-3892 grunt Sheppard." Then the Major was walking to the rear of the jumper, securing his weapons then held out a bulging pack to Sheppard, who took it and slung it over his shoulder with smugness like the pack was light instead of the 30 pounds it was. But his cocky smile faded when Lorne shoved a second heavier pack at him.

"I'm starting to think staying on Atlantis would have been better for my back," Sheppard complained as he tried to balance the two packs totaling over 70 pounds on his back while Lorne only shouldered one.

"I don't think I have to remind you that this was your choice, sir…Sheppard."

"Fine. But why do I have two monster packs and you only have a knapsack?"

The Major couldn't help a gloating smirk. "The privilege of rank." But at Sheppard's glower that reminded him he was taunting his _supervisor_ , he cleared his throat and amended, "Actually it's because I need my hands free to work the scanner to find our way to the settlement. The trails…well, there really aren't any trails to follow, you just have to head toward the lifesigns."

"That's a likely story," John mumbled under his breath but when Lorne looked ready to ask him to repeat it for his hearing, he gave him a wave off. "Forget it. I hitched a ride and this is the payment so lead on, Major."

"Yes, sir," Lorne automatically replied, grimaced at Sheppard's sigh at his second in command's inability to adept to a changing situation. So without another word, he headed out of the jumper first. Silently, he sent up a prayer that everything went smoothly on this mission and his CO wouldn't promptly demote him when they returned to Atlantis. But it was almost as if Dr. McKay was laughing in his head at that thought and snarkily goading his optimism. ' _Go smoothly?! And you brought Sheppard along?! Have you no sense of the laws of probability, Major.'_ To that, Evan summarily told the McKay voice in his head to shut up.

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Doctor Beckett turned around to consult a nurse but found Rodney McKay in his personal space instead. "Hey, have you seen Sheppard?"

"No and I let him off the hook last night but first thing this morning he should have been here getting checked over," Carson's voice showing he was a little less than pleased with the Colonel's absence. He was about to finally get to ask his nurse his question when McKay demanded, "Was he hurt?" McKay's face creased with anxiety and his tone accusatory like Carson had kept something from him.

Realizing that he wasn't going to be allowed to get a word in to his nurse until Rodney had all his answers, Carson waved the nurse away and put his full focus on his friend. "I think the point of him getting checked over is for me to make that determination, Rodney." Now his ire clearly directed at McKay.

"Don't snap at me because you lost your patient," Rodney snapped right back before realizing the bad choice of wording he had made, the implications it implied, not only about John but to Beckett's other patients probably within earshot there in the infirmary. Suddenly, he stammered, "I don't mean lost…he's not lost…you didn't lose anybody…well not recently….did you?" His statement turning into a question as he continued, "I mean I know lately there's been some other off world missions that haven't been…"

But Carson had lost someone, literally and figurative under the Wraith's mind control: Sgt. Barroso. So he cut across McKay's rambling's with rare true rancor. "Yes I bloody lost someone! You were there to see it! Sgt. Barroso remember?"

All color drained from Rodney's features and he stammered, "Oh…right…I …fo…didn't…I'm sorry Carson."

But Carson raised his hand stopping McKay's apology, knew it wasn't the man's fault it was a touchy subject with him. So with a sigh, he suggested in a much calmer, less angry tone, "Rodney, it would be best if you did something useful for both of us and found the Colonel and brought him here."

That stopped McKay's inquisitiveness but not his snarkiness, had him cockily nodding his head. "Right, yes. Find Sheppard. Course that's what I was _trying_ to do and you've been no help whatsoever so thanks for that." And as briskly as he had entered the infirmary he left but there was a nagging worry now in Carson's gut that Rodney had been searching for Sheppard in the first place, didn't know where he was. In his book, whenever one of the Colonel's teammates couldn't instinctively find their leader, it didn't bode well. "Ah crap," he mumbled before he determinedly pushed his trepidation away and focused on what he could. "Love, can you give me that information now?" he called to the nurse.

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To Evan's surprise, the trek was being carried out in silence. Sure the Colonel could be silent as a tomb on a mission, all serious and 'bring 'em back alive' and 'kill them all' mentality forefront. But this wasn't life or death, was them hoofing it through a thick forest, lumbering over fallen trees, hacking at underbrush to clear a way, basically taking a nice leisurely hike. So yes, he expected some conversation, maybe more whining, which was hilarious coming from Sheppard as he usually got that from McKay. He opened his mouth to make that funny comparison but decided against it. Again, he _liked_ being a Major.

John was starting to think this wasn't his best plan. Like he needed _more time_ to be stuck in his own head space. To wonder if his team now thought he was some…some loose cannon, some thrill junky. Ok, so maybe he had been called both those things in his career but he wasn't…ok, mostly wasn't those things. Facing off with Kolya was strategic, was so more lives weren't lost, so Kolya didn't stage an escape and kill someone, maybe someone John cared about in the process…no, Kolya would have done that just for spite. Enjoyed killing one of his teammates right in front of him. No, it had had to be finished there, so no one else got caught in the crossfire. And yes, it was personal. Damn right it was personal. For Kolya and for him. He had killed Kolya's men, maybe thirty of them and Kolya had sicced a wraith on him. Personal as hell.

When Kolya fell, he was relieved, felt a fission of fear silenced in him. At least one enemy down, only one thousand nine hundred ninety nine to go. He hadn't expected the disapproval…the _anger_ from his own teammates. He had handled it, Kolya wasn't a threat anymore and neither were his supporters. Why all the lecturing?! Where were the pats on the back, the 'thanks for risking your life to save us' accolades? Not that he needed that but it would have sure beat their reactions. And now he had doubts, doubts that they would trust that he wasn't taking unnecessary risks, not with his own life, but with theirs. Which he would never…tried to never…course than there was the whole him shooting Ronon and Rodney while under the effects of the Wraith hallucinogenic machine. Which hey, wasn't that a great team building event. Hell, if Lorne didn't soon talk to him and break up this torturous mental therapy session, he was going to demote the man.

But it wasn't Lorne who broke up the silence but an animal's roar that vibrated through the woods. Both soldiers halted in their tracks and pulled their guns. "You didn't mention any menacing four legged predators in your mission recruitment flyer, Major," Sheppard quipped, ears straining for sounds around them, of big paws hitting the ground, charging for them.

"Didn't mention it because we didn't encounter anything the two times I've been here. Plus the villagers didn't warn us of any threats," Lorne reported, scanning their surroundings as he began to wonder if the villagers liked him and the Atlantis visitors a whole lot less than they let on, wanted them to be something's dinner.

The roar came again, causing both men to swivel to the east, pinpointing the source coming from that direction, breath held, gun steady, waiting. "Gotta admit, last time I went up against something that made that kind of racket, I lost… both rounds," Sheppard glibly confessed, remembered the invisible manifested creature in the sanctuary, that he had nearly been clawed to death by it, twice.

"Good to know where your skill sets are lacking, sir," Lorne quipped back, stepped closer to Sheppard, determined that if they were going to face off with something with a lot of teeth, they were going to do it shoulder to shoulder.

John shot Evan a look. "Could we stow the 'sirs' right now. If we're about to be a woodland creature's snack, I rather not go out screaming just our ranks."

Sparing a look to his CO, Evan found himself smirking. "Will do, sir…John," he amended before he taunted, "Thought you were the eternal optimist?"

John shrugged nonchalantly, like they weren't in a forest being sized up by a sabertooth tiger for all they knew. "Seeing as you're the lead on this mission, it's your job to deliver the pep speeches." Catching Lorne's 'really, sir' look, John acknowledged, "Ok, I've had a few shitty days lately and it would be par for the course for me to survive 60 bullets and Kolya's fast draw only to be Yogi the Bear's picnic basket snack."

Appreciating John's admission but knowing his CO wouldn't appreciate if he got all serious on him, Evan reassuringly vowed, "I'll try to make sure you only get maimed, not killed."

"I feel safer with you already," John sarcastically drawled but he was smiling and Evan considered that a win. When no more roars echoed through the forest and there was no indication anything was approaching, the two men's eyes met, each determinating the same course of action: move out but stay alert.

Taking lead again, Evan didn't put his gun away, balanced it with his lifesigns monitor, had to give a little credit to McKay for having to do this a lot of the time on their missions. And that thought had him thinking again what McKay and the others had done to make Sheppard want to skip out of Atlantis and avoid them. "Well you could be nice and safe and sound on Atlantis. You choose to come along," he reminded John, a part of him hoping the other man would say more of why he had done that.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to get me to talk about my feelings, but we both know I don't have any," John snarked back, glanced over his back and thankfully didn't find any signs they were being tracked by Yogi.

"No, course you don't have feelings," Evan seemed to agree before mockingly qualified, "You're cold as a snake, Sheppard."

"Ok, but I don't think I like that comparison," John protested before he tripped over some above ground roots, had to steady himself on a tree trunk and reposition both packs on his back. "Just once I'd love to drop onto a planet that invented a motorized vehicle."

"Love to have my Jeep about now," Evan agreed immediately, doing his own two step over more roots ahead. "It does pretty good off-roading. What about you? What would you be tooling around town in back on earth?"

"My Ducati bike," and there was fondness in Sheppard's tone.

At that admission, Even couldn't help shooting a look back to his companion. "Ducati? Nice. I've heard them called the Ferraris of the motorcycle world."

"I'd take my Ducati over a Ferrari any day of the week," John replied before he had time to think things through, saw that his statement hadn't gone past Lorne's radar.

"And you've driven a Ferrari? Had that kind of option?!" Here Lorne gave a low whistle. "Man, Lieutenant Colonels get paid a lot more than I guessed."

Almost chagrinned, John confessed, "Actually they don't." And that was all John was going to say but he could see by the set of Lorne's back that the other man was taking his shut down on the conversation as a keep out. Which it was…and wasn't. He let them travel in stilted silence a while before he quietly said "Had my choice for my 16th birthday. The bike or a black Ferrari. So my bike's an oldie but a goodie," trying to undervalue the bike's worth, the fact that he had an obscenely rich family.

At that staggering bit of personal information, Evan told himself to not turn around, not act surprised, play it aloof. "Great sweet sixteen huh?" He missed Sheppard's shrug but he heard it in the man's voice.

"Came with conditions."

"Right, like promises to wear your helmet and never speed…" Evan could just imagine the list his own parents would have made had he had the chance to take a bike even around the block when he was sixteen.

John fought back a snort at Evan's suggestions, those would have been fine conditions, unlike his father's. "More like begin interning at my father's company and pledge the rest of my life to amassing power and money in his corporate world."

Knowing that John wasn't old enough to have made a splash in the corporate world and then joined the military and make the rank he had, Evan was glad he didn't have to face Sheppard for this conversation, wondered if they'd even be having this conversation if he was looking at John. Quietly, Evan surmised, "Guess that's one pledge you didn't keep." But as soon as the words were out he was mentally kicking himself for the phrasing, as if John had done something wrong, shameful. Stopping, he turned around, began to profusely apologize, "John, I'm sorry. That was out of line and not what I meant…or how I meant it."

John gave him one of his lopsided smirks and passed by him, taking lead, putting himself out of Evan's scrutiny it was easier to say the rest. "You're not wrong. I didn't keep my pledge…didn't really take it seriously when he told me that, was too busy snatching the keys from his hand and getting on the bike."

There was sadness and bitterness in John's tone and Evan cursed himself for making John think he needed to defend himself to him or tell him anymore. After all, John was as closed mouth about his past as anyone Evan had ever met. Guess there's a reason for that. ' _It's not all sunshine and rainbows, not even for the rich._ ' No matter how many times Sheppard tried to make it seem everything was just great, never better, Evan knew the man had deep hurts, heck, they all did being soldiers, being stationed on Atlantis. But now he knew there were underlying hurts that had scored the man long before he put on an Air Force uniform. "You were sixteen, none of us knew what we wanted to be at that age," he absolved John, tried for lightness he didn't feel.

"Wasn't supposed to be up to me," John remembered the shouting matches, the accusations, the threats of being cut off from the family fortunes. "When I didn't join his corporate world, my father asked for the bike back, said when a business deal was broken, all upfront remittances had to be repaid, with interest sometimes."

Evan felt his hand tighten on the lifesigns monitor, couldn't ever imagine his own father asking him to pay back any gift he had given him, especially not in so cold of terms. Suddenly he didn't like John's father very much, like at all. "I hope you told him to go to hell," he bit out before he thought it was the wrong thing to say, again. That he shouldn't speak ill of John's father, wasn't his place.

But John chuckled instead of reaming him out for bad mouthing his family. "Actually, I did. Needless to say that didn't help my relationship with my dad. But on the upside, I still have the bike," John tried to see a silver lining to all of it.

Evan, however, saw a huge positive that John wasn't mentioning. "Not sure how much my opinion matters but I'm sure glad you're here saving our lives instead of being some egomaniac corporate mogul."

That had John shooting a smirk over his shoulder to Evan. "Aw, shucks, Major. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to my face."

"Or even behind your back," Evan quipped, smiling broadly.

"Good to know," John replied, smiling as well, feeling some of the weight of his memories of his family lift at Evan's words, knew the man wasn't saying that to brown nose his CO. That wasn't Lorne's style. He wouldn't have made him his second in command if it was. "So tell me again how long until we reach the village?"

"If I didn't know better I'd say I was traveling with McKay. What next? Whine that you need bug spray?" Lorne taunted, smirked when John protested.

"Hey, no need to get insulting!" but then Sheppard asked, a tinge of unease in his tone, "Wait, what kind of bugs are we talking about because I am so not interested in encountering anything that's bigger than my pinkie."

"Don't worry, as your current CO I will personally rescue you by smacking any bugs that land on you," Evan vowed, a chuckle in is timbre.

"You're kind of mean spirited, Major. I'm surprised none of your insubordinates have reported you to me." John ducked under a low hanging branch and fought the urge to growl himself when his packs slid forward to smack him in the head.

"They are too scared to report that to you." Evan easily ducked under the branch with his shorter stature and his lighter load.

"Scared of you?" And John couldn't see that being true.

"Nope, scared of you. Rumor is you eat marines for breakfast." And that was 100% hogwash but Lorne was enjoying the rare treat of being able to tease his CO without their ranks getting in the way.

"False," John let a beat of silence fall before he clarified, "I actually feed them to McKay when his blood sugar gets low."

"Good to know. I'll inform my men. They'll be so relieved. Now do you think I could take lead again, because I'm actually the only one who knows where we're supposed to be going." Evan made a point to wave the lifesigns monitor in his hand when Sheppard shot him a look over his shoulder.

"Now who sounds like McKay?" Sheppard good humoredly grumbled as he stopped and waved Lorne forward.

Bypassing Sheppard, Lorne threatened, "I might just have to write you up for that insubordinate remark."

"It's Sheppard with two "P"s" John supplied and somehow Lorne didn't think it was the first time John Sheppard had made that remark upon the threat of him being formally written up.

Evan was about to make some smart aleck comment back when a man's scream rent the air. "Oh great, so much for uneventful," he muttered even as Sheppard was streaking off toward the scream. "Yeah and so much for 'I lead you follow'," he groused as he took up pursuit of his CO, not really mad Sheppard was taking up his rightful leadership role only worried that he was the only one to have Sheppard's back in whatever situation they were running right into. And if anything, _anything_ at all happened to Sheppard, it would be his fault. No matter whose rank beat whose because this was his mission, his contact, his responsibility to know what they were walking into. Not to mention that Sheppard's teammates would kill him slowly if he didn't bring Sheppard back to them in some semblance of one piece.

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TBC

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Thanks if you read this far! Hope there's interest for more of this story!

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.


	2. Fatal Folklore

Scarce

Cheryl W.

Author's Note: You guys rock! Thanks for the wonderful reviews and encouragement for this story's start!

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Chapter 2: Fatal Folklore

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For carrying seventy pounds of gear and not being a beefy guy, the Colonel could run like a freaking cheetah. Evan was having trouble keeping him in sight when the Colonel veered off to the east after another scream came. But the scream ended in that too familiar abrupt way that had him and Sheppard sliding to a cautious stop. The urgency was gone. The man was dead. They both knew that.

Predicting that they were close to where the man was, Sheppard shucked off his two packs, advanced forward silently, Evan at his back. When John crouched down behind a tree trunk, Evan broke off to his left and mirrored Sheppard's stance behind his own tree. The corpse was 30 yards ahead, sprawled on the ground like a ragdoll, head and one leg at an unnatural angle. Scanning the surrounding area, there was no sign of the man's attacker but John had his suspicions it had big teeth and had done some beastly roaring earlier.

Not really wanting to be the star in another Pegasus creature feature, John took more time than he wanted to waiting, straining his ears to hear anything moving in the forest around them. Nothing kicked up his spidey senses, well except for the torn apart man in the forest flooring. Though there was nothing he could do for the man, John didn't believe in letting the body there to be ravaged by the local wildlife, more of the local wildlife. Not to mention, he wanted to get a look at the man's injuries, know what they were dealing with, because if the beast hadn't gotten his breakfast fill with this guy, it might be eyeing them up for their elevenses meal.

Signaling Lorne to circle around east, John went west, came across a swath of over head broken tree limbs and brushes and turned up ground. Not to mention the paw prints stamped in blood, clearly the exit route for the beast. Standing up from his inspection of the prints, John had to stand on his tip toes to touch the broken section of the tree branch. Doing the calculations in his head wasn't reassuring. Regardless if the beast was like Bigfoot on two legs or down on all four paws, his head must reach the eight foot range. So not good.

Tapping his radio, he called to Lorne, "Major, I found the beast's exit trail on the west side."

Lorne's response was instantaneous, "I have a trail over here too. How do you know it left that direction?"

"Bloody paw prints and…" John bent down, poked something with his gun barrel and fought down being sick as he realized the bloody stump was a hand, "…Body parts."

"Should I come to you?" Lorne asked, standing up, already estimating the Colonel's location while instinctively relinquishing control of the situation to his leader.

"No," Sheppard grimly said, no reason to pursue the beast, it had already done its damage. "Meet me at the body."

"Will do, Sir."

A few minutes later, Lorne and Sheppard were crouched down by the corpse. It was a gruesome sight even for the hardened warriors to take in. The beast had not used its teeth or its claws sparingly. It was amazing the man had lasted long enough to scream not just once but twice. But as John used his gun barrel to lift the man's ravaged shirt, took in the man's shredded chest, he knew the man was dead the second the beast attacked. Every strike was a fatal wound. But what was maybe more troubling was the fact that the beast had abandoned its prey, had maybe just killed for pleasure, not survival. For the man's only weapon lay by his side, a sword, not even christened with the beast's blood. The man apparently wasn't much of a threat to the beast, so it wasn't fear that had provoked the attack.

"Do you recognize him from one of your visits here?" John asked of Evan as he reverently reached out and turned the man's face toward the Major so he could attempt to make an ID from the man's slashed and bloody features.

"Hard to tell…he might be one of the men I met," Lorne acknowledged. "Maybe one of their farmers."

John was about to discuss how to handle the body when noise from the north had he and Evan stilling before darting off to the east to hunker down in the vegetation. As the noise grew closer, they could identify movement through the forest and then two voices, engaged in low hisses of alarm. A moment later, two men broke from the foliage and staggered to a stop at the sight of the dead man. One man, older with grey hair, cursed and the other young man stumbled back a few steps from the corpse.

"They are villagers I know, sir," Lorne whispered to Sheppard, letting his CO decide their course of action.

Sheppard nodded grimly, before he called out, "I'm here with Major Lorne from Atlantis. We're coming out." Then he stood up, kept his gun in hand but lowered it harmlessly to his side as did Lorne who flanked him. The two village men were turned to them too stunned to speak at the events surrounding them. Approaching the two men, John offered gently, "I am sorry for your loss. We got here too late to help him."

"I…He wasn't….they…" the younger blond haired man stammered, eyes purposefully tracking to the woods and not the body at his feet. The older man didn't respond to them, simply crouched down by the corpse but did not reach out to the fallen man, though by his expression, John knew he knew the man well and felt the sorrow greatly.

When the older man spoke, John didn't think it was to them, more to himself, heard the recriminations in the tone. "They aren't supposed to be here …not so soon in the season. It's not…time, we couldn't know…Damn it, Seisen." Then the man bowed his head a moment, seemed to gather himself together then he stood, turned to face John and Evan. "The beasts usually don't travel our lands when the weather is warm."

"So more than one beast did this?" because John had heard the plural in the man's description.

But the man gave a negative shake of his head. "No, it's the work of one. If the pride had all attacked…" here he swallowed, looked again to his fallen friend, "they would have dragged the body back to their den."

"We'll help you get this body back to your village," Sheppard offered, wasn't prepared for both men's eyes to fly to him in panic.

"NO! It must not be moved!" the younger man exclaimed, his fear palpable, slashing through his sorrow.

Sensing he was stepping on yet another Pegasus custom, John backpedaled, "Sorry, we … _I_ " he amended his pronoun, no use in dragging Lorne into his faux pas, "I meant no disrespect to your customs of burial."

It was the older man who replied. "We do not bury those the creatures have marked. We must leave Seisen here…as tribute."

Sheppard tried to school his features but some of these customs were abhorred to him. "Tribute? Do you think…I mean do the beasts only kill one person a season? Does that…do they…." How did you ask some backwater natives if they thought they could throw a guy to a beast munch on and it would go away thinking they paid their penance for the season?!

But the older man's answer was grim. "They kill as many as cross their paths."

"But you…seek to…honor the beast?" John tried his best to not sound disrespectful, like he thought they weren't off their rockers.

The villager spat in the ground. "Honor?! No, I would kill them to the last. You do not know…" The man stopped himself, like he almost divulged a tribal secret.

Hoping his prior connection to the two men got him somewhere, Lorne spoke for the first time. "What is it we do not know, Rikus? We are only trying to help you. If we are to be allies, it does not have to be only against the wraith."

Still, Rikus, the older man, didn't speak, the younger man, Ulon did, however. "If we move the body, they will follow it. If we…bury it, they will find it and dig it up. If we get the beast's scent on us from touching the body…they will track us as their prey and kill us and everyone around us."

"Oh great," John mumbled rubbing his left hand on his jacket because yes, he had touched the body. And no, McKay wasn't there toting some hand sanitizer he could borrow.

Evan didn't miss John's action, internally chastised ' _you just had to touch it, sir_ ,' more worry there than exasperation. Because John had turned the corpse's head so he could ID it, so he didn't have to touch it. Damn the man and his idealist notion to protect everyone, even those who were supposed to protect him because that was Evan's job, no, _his honor_ , to protect the Colonel's life above his own. ' _Yeah, bang up job, blindly leading him into a creature feature, stand there and let him get some beast's scent on him meaning he was chum in the water…forest, for these things. Marvelous, Evan, really outstanding work so far.'_

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Since Beckett was absolutely no help, McKay sought out his other teammates to see if they knew Sheppard's location. Which they disturbingly didn't. Not a one of them had seen John that morning, not Ronon on their usual run and not Teyla at their practice and not Rodney at breakfast. So now they sat at their usual lunch table brain storming.

"How about that balcony he likes to go to and thinks we don't know about it?" Rodney suggested but Ronon was shaking his head already.

"Checked before my run, he wasn't there."

Teyla clasped her hands on the table top. "And I checked with Dr. Weir. She tried contacting him on his radio but got no answer."

Rodney perked up with a new idea. "How about joyriding in a jumper? He does that sometimes when he needs to think."

But Ronon shot that suggestion down too. "Nope. Only jumper leaving today was for a supply deliver mission."

"Then where can he be? Rodney did you try his locator?" Teyla asked of the scientist.

"Course I did. Would I be wasting my time worrying if I could locate him?!" Then realizing the sharpness of his tone by Teyla's upset expression, he said with regret and worry, "Sorry, just…where is he at?"

Teyla nodded her understanding. "I wanted to talk to him…tell him I didn't condemn him for his actions against Kolya."

Ronon shot her a sharp look that brought her up short. "Really? That was how you were going to discuss it with him? Say "his actions" instead of saying him killing Kolya? Seems good you couldn't find him to convince him of something you can't even convince yourself of. Makes me understand why Sheppard doesn't want to be found."

Stunned by Ronon's displeasure with her and her planned words to John, Teyla started to speak, "Ronon I didn't mean…" but Elizabeth showed up at their table, a triumphant look on her face.

"Mystery solved of why he's not answering his comm. In all the commotion I didn't bother to look at my calendar," she stated with a smile, as if that explained everything.

"And what? It's the official 'John Sheppard goes missing' holiday…because that seriously comes around more than once a year. Like bi-monthly," McKay quipped earning him a glare from Elizabeth causing him to shut up.

Elizabeth drawled out her words, "John officially asked for vacation on this day." And she smiled in relief but her explanation seemed to cause Sheppard's team to tense up, not relax like she thought they would. "He made the request a month back but you know how hectic things are here, neither of us put much stock in him actually getting to be on Atlantis that day and getting the day off."

"So he didn't…ask yesterday …or this morning for the day off?" Rodney asked, wanted reassurances that Sheppard's absence had nothing to do with yesterday's happening or words Rodney might have said in, you know, anger and worry and panic to his team leader.

Sensing there was something going on with the team that she didn't know about, Elizabeth eyed the three people who had panicked at John's absence of only two hours, here on Atlantis, without any known threats hanging over the city or John. "Ok, all three of you, the conference room. Now," she barked then turned and left the mess hall.

Sharing looks like they were getting called to the principal's office, the teammates got up and reluctantly followed Dr. Weir's lead. A few minutes later as they took seats in the assigned room, it felt wrong that Sheppard wasn't there. That the doors closed and it was just them and Elizabeth. A tingling of dread coursed down Teyla's spine as a random fear popped into her head that this could be their future. Them missing John's presence.

Staring down her subordinates, Elizabeth demanded, "Ok, what wasn't in your report about your mission that I need to know about."

"Just boring details, nothing command would care about," Rodney mitigated, really didn't want to have to report verbatim what he had said to Sheppard.

"Well command might not care but apparently I should," Elizabeth shot back. "Is there a reason why all three of you were worried when John wasn't around this morning? And for that mattered, why didn't he mention his day off to any of you?"

Sighing, Teyla knew it was best to explain things to Elizabeth, that she would not hold the Colonel at fault for whatever reactions each of them expressed yesterday to John. "We expressed our ….disquiet at John's actions yesterday."

Elizabeth stilled, it was the first time any of John's team spoke ill of him. "Disquiet?" she repeated her voice a dangerous edge to it as she trolled for more answers before she reamed them out for insubordination or disloyalty or both.

"She didn't approve of Sheppard killing Kolya, thought we should just let him go on his way," Ronon tersely accused. "Give him yet another chance to kill Sheppard at a later date."

Turning blazing eyes onto her teammate, Teyla growled, "That is not what I meant or intended by my words to John and you know that, Ronon."

"Sure sounded like your intent to me…and to Sheppard too by the way he chose to not tell you he was not going to be around today," Ronon shot back.

"He didn't tell you either, which I assume is because you belittled his honorable choice to give Kolya a fair fight," Teyla volleyed to Ronon.

Ronon's fist pounded the table as he sat up, eyes searing into Teyla's. "Damn right I didn't like it! He could have died…trying to be….honorable!" spitting out the last word like it was a curse.

Not to be left out, Rodney pointed out caustically, "You're both forgetting that before his O.K. Corral impersonation of Wyatt Earp he stood there and let Kolya's men shoot like 100 bullets at him. With a personal shield that he knew had to be low on juice after the whole dynamite thing. And it was, flickered out just as the last bullet bounced off him then Kolya's men were reloading and he was just standing there like a cardboard target practice, this time totally vulnerable."

"Why am I just hearing about all of this now?!" Elizabeth demanded.

But Rodney looked at her with true innocence. "It was in our reports."

"No, no it wasn't," Elizabeth denied, certain she'd remember these details.

Rodney helpfully gave her a recap of the report. "Yeah, we all reported we were captured, Kolya used us as bait to get Sheppard there, Sheppard used Lucius' personal shield to face off with Kolya, Kolya and Sheppard went for their guns at the same time, Sheppard was faster and oh yeah, the townspeople rallied around Kolya and his men with pitchforks and brooms and some guns. See it was all in there."

Elizabeth was appalled at their idea of full disclosure. "Please tell me this isn't how you report all your missions?!"

"What? All the facts are in there, same as this time," Ronon stated, not seeing a problem with their reports this time or any of the times before. After all, they just followed Sheppard's lead on the narrative.

Pulling her chair up closer to the table, Elizabeth pinned Rodney, Ronon and Tyla with her no nonsense penetrating look. "Ok, so let me get this straight. You all felt John was reckless with his own well being and expressed this displeasure to John."

"Not in so many words," McKay tried to deny but at Ronon's raise eyebrow at his deflection, he confessed, "Ok, yes. But like you heard, we all played a part in it." Ronon nor Teyla spoke to defend themselves.

In silence contemplation, Elizabeth mauled over the situation. "And each of you thought John was avoiding you today on purpose? That your …disagreement… was enough to fracture your relationship with John?"

"Fracture isn't the right word, maybe put a strain on is more accurate," Rodney again tried to facilitate a softer version of events.

"It's true, I wasn't there, granted, but I don't doubt seeing John play gunslinger was horrible to watch…" As Rodney opened his mouth, Elizabeth added just for him, "As was him using the personal shield against greater odds when its power strength was in question." That seemed to mollify Rodney who clamped his mouth shut while Teyla solemnly nodded her head and Ronon simply leaned back further in his chair, eyeing her up silently which she took as the Satedan's version of agreement. "So I'm not going to reprimand any of you for expressing your displeasure for Colonel Sheppard's recklessness as I believe each came from a place of genuine concern." She raised her finger when Rodney was about to interrupt her again. "But I need to know if you can get past this because John…he's not likely to change. He takes risks and makes personal sacrifices and while we don't always like that...we have to respect it…respect him. If any of you feel you can't accept this, it's no disgrace if you wanted placed on a different offworld team."

That suggestion took the air right out of the room.

At Elizabeth's suggestion, the din of outrages voices was loud and instantaneous.

McKay's voice was nearly shrill in his incense. "Don't be ludicrous! I never said I wanted off his team. You know how many times I've saved his butt?! Without me there who knows what trouble he'd get in and couldn't get out of!"

Ronon's response was a threatening litany of words. "You wouldn't take me off his team. You do that and there's no reason for me to stay on Atlantis."

Teyla tried to be diplomatic, as usual but even her tone was tinged with effrontery that Elizabeth had suggestion what she had. "Dr. Weir, all of us have the highest respect for John. I personally would never consider transferring to another team."

Elizabeth had to resort to a two fingered whistle to regain control of the room. When silence fell at the unexpected noise, she fell back onto her diplomatic pose. "Ok, now that we have cleared that up…" her eyes swept the three persons under her glaze meaningfully, "have a good day." And she got up,, headed for the door, only allowing the smile to emerge on her face when her back was to John's very loyal teammates.

"Wait! You played us!" Rodney caught on first. "You were never serious about taking us off his team."

Devilish smile unhidden, Elizabeth turned around, truthfully answered, "Nope," then made her exit for real.

"Ok, well.."Rodney announced as he stood up and Ronon was clamoring to his feet as well. But Teyla remained seated, spoke before her teammates left.

"I know I stopped John from attacking Kolya in the village when Kolya first arrived but that did not mean I didn't wish the man dead," and there was hatred in her tone, backing up the emotion of her words that had both Rodney and Ronon stilling, eyes holding hers, seemingly waiting for to explain her conflicting actions. "Yes, it was about collateral damage but it was also about protecting John from himself. I did not want him heaping guilt on himself for anyone else being hurt in the village should we engage Kolya and his men. But I in no way wanted John to think he needed to give Kolya a "fair fight", to give that …that man another chance to hurt or even kill John." Then her voice turned reproachful and shamed. "I blame myself for John's actions…that he could have been killed trying to maybe "earn" or "keep" my respect. It makes me unwell."

"Our respect," Ronon corrected quietly, "he did it to keep our respect." Because Ronon had seen the look in Sheppard's eyes after they had rescued him from Kolya's sick Wraith feeding game, the shame. Like Sheppard had thought he had done something dishonorable by reacting to immeasurable agony at the Wraith's hand, by being seen by his friends and Atlantis staff in such agony.

"Respect which he never lost, the idiot," Rodney grumbled.

Eyeing her two friends, Teyla hesitantly asked, "Are we…ok?" because she had sensed it wasn't just John who had been keeping his distance from her, that Rodney and Ronon had too because of her actions on the planet.

Ronon nodded. "Yeah, we were all a little messed up after witnessing Sheppard's actions." Knew it had been a few hours with that gunfight planning in his head until sleep came, until he convinced himself Kolya had lost, John was unharmed, that whatever different scenario his mind kept coming up with when he closed his eyes, it wasn't the truth.

"Messed up as in never want to watch Tombstone again, then yes, I agree," Rodney said, he too had had the day's events rerunning in his head the night before on a merciless loop, and never any showing ending benignly with Sheppard unscathed. Maybe that was why he was so keyed up not being able to find Sheppard this morning, wanted to latch eyes onto his friend to make all the nightmares fade away into lies.

Glad she was again on good terms at least with two of her teammates, Teyla stood but then posed to them, "You do realize we still have no idea where John is."

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It rankled Sheppard to leave a man behind, had not been his code, ever, except here in Pegasus it had become a painful reality, that the dead and doomed had to be abandoned so others did not die. Still, it seemed merely superstition that was fueling the villagers' practice of not properly burying their dead. And that wasn't setting well with him. "These beast aren't …like invisible, maybe a manifest of your fears?" he asked half in jest because after the whole sanctuary six months fighting a similar beast, the question seem logical.

Rikus, however, seemed highly offended by it. Pointing at Seisen's ravaged body, he snarled, "Does this look like our imagination?!"

"No, course not…just had to be sure," Sheppard apologized, sort of, because he had gotten pretty torn up by his invisible beast but he didn't mention that. Noted that his question earned him 'really sir, aren't you adding insult to injury' from Lorne before his second in command tried to restore decorum back into the situation.

"Can you describe the beasts, give us an idea what we're up against, how to kill them?" Evan asked, knowing that intel was the best thing he could get right then, especially if Sheppard had unknowingly made himself a target for the beasts.

Ulon spoke in hushed tones, like speaking the words louder would make the boogey man come alive. "Massive, moves very quickly, claws and teeth that tear flesh and shatter bones."

Evan forced himself to nod, like the information was new, not something he and the Colonel had already surmised. Unable to ask if he looked like any earth animals, he was left to stupid childish descriptions. "Does it have fur, walk on all fours, able to see in the dark?"

It was Rikus who bluntly overrode more of Loren's questions. "No one who has seen the beast has lived."

At that, Evan shared a look with Sheppard, probably thought his CO was thinking the same thing he was. Some variation of a parrot's voice going 'dead men tell no tales' and when John's eyes twinkled, Evan had to look away before he sniggered, at so not an appropriate moment as standing over a corpse of a man the two villagers had called friend. Clearly his throat to make sure there was only seriousness in his tone, he addressed the two villagers. "We left our supplies a little ways back on the trail. We'll go get them and come back here."

Then the Major and the Colonel turned in synch and walked back to the supply packs allowing them to confer in private. "Great, a bigfoot legend," Evan sarcastically drawled, not in the mood to confront the legend with just him and Sheppard, not even considering the villagers to be any help if things got…well big and furry.

"Well a legend didn't use that guy as a chew toy," Sheppard pointed out, not liking the state of the corpse or the massive paw prints around the body and the way the creature had cut a path through the thick woods like a battering ram. "Good news though…maybe their theory about the beasts tracking their scent on a corpse might be hokum too."

"That would be really nice but I'm not holding my breath," Lorne retorted, didn't plan on letting his guard down, was even then scouring their surroundings for threats, as he knew Sheppard was as well.

"You're supposed to cheer me up, remember?" Sheppard taunted his second in charge.

"Sorry, sir, forgot I was supposed to be pretending to be you this mission," Evan replied, a definitely tinge of snark in his tone.

"I think I've been insulted…or complimented, not sure which," Sheppard shot back as he picked up one pack was reaching for the other when Lorne lugged it onto his shoulder along with the other one, signaling that the roles had been switched. This was now officially Sheppard's mission. "Sure, now that we're dealing with mythical creatures you want me to take lead," John snarked.

"I'm just wisely bowing to your superior experience and knowledge, sir." The twinkle of mischief in Loren's eye telling John his 2nd in command was taunting him more than brown nosing.

Then they were rejoining Rikus and Ulon who had put even greater distance between themselves and the corpse, like they feared a strong wind would come through and waft the beast's scent onto them. And John felt it was only fair for him to make a full disclosure to the two clearly terrified men. "Alright…I have something to confess." He felt more than saw Evan stiffen at his side, his officer already guessing his intentions and not liking it. But John plowed ahead. "I touched the body." Part of him wanting to see what the two villagers were made of, how they reacted to the new information, if it were just the dead they abandoned or the living too. Needed to know if he could trust these men to have his back and more importantly, Evan's back if the beast made another chow run.

At John's statement, Rikus said what might have passed for a curse or a prayer in their hometown while Ulon retreated three steps back from Sheppard.

"I didn't know about the scent thing or the 'don't touch the body' rule," John pointed out, using his 'let's not overreact to this' flippant tone of voice.

Ulon however wasn't taking John's hint, was definitely into overreacting, turned and latched onto Ritus' arm. "We must go. Now!"

Ritus, for his part, seemed conflicted, must have been desperate for guidance because he seemed to be asking advice from the clearly fainthearted Ulon. "We wish to make them our allies, how do you suppose we build their trust? By leaving them to the mercy of the beasts?"

Ulon, however, wasn't shy about giving his advice. Eyes holding Ritus but finger pointing accusingly to Sheppard, he darkly predicted, "He is a dead man. His trust you do not need to worry about losing or gaining."

Sheppard muttered under his breath to Lorne, "Nice. It's almost like McKay's here to cheer me up."

Feeling his anger surging at Ulon's disrespect of the Colonel, not to mention him writing Sheppard off already, Evan knew his tone was bordering on disgust, "Yes, we are trying to be allies, to join forces to go up against the wraith. How can we trust your courage when you run scared now?" Fighting hard to not scoff at the word courage when describing the two men before him.

Instead of Ulon, it was Ritus who tried to excuse their reactions. "You do not understand these beasts. They have wiped out three entire villages to our far north and many people from our own villages and neighboring villages. They are merciless and cunning and relentless."

"So are we," Sheppard proclaimed before he amended with an amused smirk, "Well, not the merciless part."

Understanding what Sheppard was implying, Lorne suggested, "If some other hunters join us from your village, we could hunt down the beast that killed Seison, maybe run off the rest of their pack. Let us talk to your leaders and …."

"Impossible," Ritus harshly refused. "Your friend can not come to our village. Not tainted as he is."

To this Sheppard objected, "Hey, I admit my hygiene has been suspect on one or two tours or missions but I showered this morning" knowing full well they weren't talking his body odor.

Ignoring Sheppard's attempt at levity, Lorne suggested, "Ok, if _Colonel Sheppard_ ," stressing his rank because these idiots didn't get to belittle his CO like they were, "can't go to your village, bring your hunters here. If we work together, we can…"

"Only more will die," Ulon did his darkly predicting thing again. "Maybe our whole village is eaten."

"Fine. I won't go near your village but Major Lorne will go talk to your leaders, get a hunting party organized," Sheppard stated as if it were set in stone. He was expecting the villagers to argue with him…not his second in command.

"No, sir, I'm not leaving you alone," Evan defied his superior's proposal, regardless of the ramifications to Sheppard's opinion of him or the determent to his career path.

Not one to let insubordination stand when he figured he was in the right, had a way to save lives, Sheppard growled to Lorne, "Role playing is over, _Major_. I'm giving you an order!"

But Lorne wasn't backing down, not when obeying entailed leaving the Colonel alone in a woods maybe teaming with beasts who might think the Colonel smelled like bacon or, as the case may be, long pork. "With all due respect, Colonel…"

"We can stop the attacks, if we act now," Sheppard asserted, trying to get Lorne to think of the big picture, of the villagers' safety, not his CO's safety, or lack thereof.

"Why do I think this is all leading up to you being bait?!" Lorne challenged, didn't like that Sheppard actually _smiled_ at that very terrible idea.

Ritus watched the two soldiers' interaction and found himself bolstered by their courage and a little amused by the deterioration of the Major's strict military edict. His impression of the Major on their first visit and the two previous was that the man didn't even know how to break out of his military persona of concise but polite dialogue, objectives first, emotions, if he had any, never revealed. But that impression was faltering now, and he could see the man behind the military posture, that his superior, the Colonel, had a way of shattering the Major's calm and he was willing to risk his superior's wrath out of a true concern for his leader…and obviously, friend. It was this insight that swayed Ritus. The Major wasn't a façade of composure, after all, was a man who believed strongly, would honor those he gave his loyalty to. Like the Colonel…and like them.

"We will bring our hunters here," Ritus announced before Lorne had the chance to rail at his commanding officer that him being bait was not acceptable, at all.

Stunned both soldiers looked to Ritus, must have looked uncertain they had heard him right because he repeated, "I will bring our hunters here. Together you believe we can hunt these beasts?" This he directed to Lorne, knowing the man had a personal stake in killing the beast, astonishingly more so than the Colonel who the beast might target.

Surprised and relieved at the help from this quarter, Lorne stepped toward Ritus, "Yes, I do," an agreement and a promise he intended to keep, especially in light of the villager solving the dilemma of following orders and leaving Sheppard on his own.

"It will take some time to reach our village, convince our hunters and return but I will do so before midday," Ritus made a vow of his own.

"No! Ritus you can not endanger our people like this!" Ulon raged.

Grabbing Ulon by the shoulders, Ritus bluntly said, "We are already in danger now that the beasts have returned. Who knows who could fall this time for you know Seisen might not be the last. If the beasts have returned early in the year because of hunger, then we do not know what it will take to sate their appetite."

Processing his friend's logic, Ulon reluctantly replied, "I still think it foolishness…but I will not speak against you with the hunters or the council."

Ritus nodded and then he gave a nod to Lorne before he began to hurry toward his village. Ulon, shooting a dark look to Sheppard, then took up pace with his friend. Swiftly finding he and Sheppard alone in the woods, Lorne remarked, "See, not bad people after all."

"Right, they're going for help…and didn't invite us along for the old 'safety in numbers' shtick and they left us out here without telling us how to kill this thing or even what to expect besides teeth and claws. I'm not voting them most sought after allies just yet," Sheppard drawled sarcastically as he was doing a slow 360 turn, listened hard for sounds in the forest that indicated something bigger than a chipmunk.

Evan couldn't fight back a sigh of resignation as he rubbed a hand through his hair. "Yeah, not my best work in picking out an ally."

Hearing the self-recrimination from his second in command, John turned to Evan, reminded him, "Hey, I'm the one that befriended a Wraith to make a jail break so I don't think you should count the 'worst ally picker' award is a shoe in for you."

Evan couldn't help but chuckle. "Right, sir. Besides you like to win at everything."

"Yes, exactly," John agreed with a smirk, was about to suggest they set up some kind of booby trap for the beast around their perimeter when shrieks of fear and pain echoed off the forest for a second time that day. "Oh crap!" John exclaimed and then he and Evan were running in the direction Ulon and Rictus had gone not five minutes before.

Even before they saw the attack, they heard it, animal roars and tree limbs cracking, cries of terror and agony the ground under John and Evan's feet shaking at the thud of the beasts impacting with the ground. Then the two Atlanteans were upon the scene, both already firing into the three jungle cat like beasts that were using their teeth and their claws to brutally tear Ulon and Rictus apart. But the bullets ricocheted off the beasts, their hides suddenly glimmering like metal, the spikes trailing from their head down their spines phasing from invisible to visible, their massive fur covered heads down, intent on their meals, the sound of the gunfire pissing them off more than the impacts thudding and bouncing off harmlessly on their flanks and even their heads. One lifted its head, showing its teeth red with Ulon's blood and looked to the new meals making the noise it didn't appreciate. It roared its displeasure and its promise to quiet them. Even as bullets pelleted it, it turned and started a menacingly slow but determined lope toward John and Evan.

"Run!" John shouted to Evan, emptying round after round in the approaching beast, could have sworn that even his hits to the black soulless eyes were deflected. Determined to give Evan enough time to get away, he stiffened his stance, wouldn't move until Evan was long gone. And, if he really smelled like catnip to the beasts, and they could track him, than Evan was better off on his own. Besides he had a fleeting moment of hope the he could take out the beast up close and personal.

"Not without you, sir!" Evan countered, knew Sheppard well enough to know the thoughts going through his leader's head.

"This isn't a time for insubordination!" John growled, the beast now twenty paces away and gaining speed. Could imagine its tongue darting out, licking its chops at its new dinner entree.

"No, it's not!" Evan agreed, as he latched onto John's shirt and yanked him backwards as he started to obey his CO's command and run. He had just had added a small addendum of physically dragging John along with him.

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TBC

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Hope our boys are fast runners (evil grin). Thanks for continuing to read this story!

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.


	3. Danger Close

Scarce

Cheryl W.

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Chapter 3: Danger Close

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Skittering backwards with Evan's manhandling, John realized he couldn't fight Evan and the beast at the same time. Cursing, John spun around, stopped hindering Evan's escape and instead joined him in it. But as they ran, they felt the ground vibrate under their feet, knew the beast was following them. Hearing a crash coming from the west, they knew it wasn't anything good, heralded another beast joining the safari hunt.

In synch, the two soldiers veered off to the east, running neck and neck, knew the only way they were still ahead of the beast was the thick forest, that the beast had to plow his way through while they could slip among the trees. But that didn't mean the beast was giving up on his Scooby snack, nor was the beast crashing through the forest from the west. "Know the layout of the forest?" Sheppard called to Lorne as they kept up their run-for-their-lives pace.

"No," was Lorne's grim answer. He hadn't gotten a chance to know the planet that well, had only found the villages by the lifesigns detector. Knew pulling that device out now could be helpful but didn't think it ranked above outrunning the beasts intend on eating him and the Colonel. His lungs were heaving for breath, his leg muscles burning but he didn't slow down, any more than Sheppard did.

"Look for thickets, tight spaces, lots of downed trees, caves, anything small we can pass through and they can't," John suggested his breath coming out hard as he scanned their surroundings but it was like trying to sight see while you were going 100 miles an hour down the highway…with a tyrannous rex breathing down your tailpipe. Vaulting over a downed tree limb, then having to duck under a low hanging branch before skittering around a boulder made this all a pretty sucky escape route, only good part John thought was it should be slowing down their jungle cat predators.

"There!" John called out, pointing to the west where the vines and underbrush practically made a wall in the forest.

Not questioning Sheppard's command, though that meant running toward the beast making its loud way to them from that direction, Lorne practically asked, "We hiding or making a path through?"

"Both!" Sheppard answered, planned on getting deep into the thicket and then going silent, hoping he really didn't smell like chum in the water to the beasts. Knew if they started coming through the thicket, that the villagers had been right and the beasts could track him because of the dead men's scent on him. And if that proved true, he'd make a run for it, split off from Evan, give the other man the best fighting chance he could.

Having worked under the Colonel long enough, the Major didn't need clarification, understood the plan without further words. Then like a football player running through a papier-mâché banner, Evan plowed into the thicket, fought back the curses as the thickets scratched the hell out of him and the underbrush tripped up his feet but he didn't stop, could feel Sheppard making his own path to his right, probably trying to lessen the signs that they had entered the organic wall. He didn't know how far he had gotten when Sheppard lowly hissed from a few meters to his right, "Hold." And he froze, then felt what Sheppard had: the vibration under his feet meaning the beast, no beasts were close.

Neither man hardly dared to breathe and that wasn't an easy task considering their hell for leather run for their lives had their lungs still screaming for oxygen. John clutched onto the thicket around him as a roar then another vibrated seemingly through his chest. The beasts were close, had stopped, were prowling the area. ' _Crap but I knew I shouldn't have stayed with Evan. They can track me and I've lead them right to the both of us.'_ And now his plan to draw them away from Evan seemed laughable. He could hardly move in this stuff let alone make a heroic run for it, be bait like he had planned when Lorne accused him of planning that in front of the villagers.

If he was closer, Evan would have reached out and clutched onto John's arm, ensured Sheppard didn't move because he knew what must be running through his CO's head, some stupid bait plan. Sacrifice himself to try and save him. But he wasn't going to have any part in that. Either they both survived or they….well, he decided to just stop with that determined thought. He fought down a startled jerk when another roar sounded just outside the thicket, felt some of the thicket snapping, envisioned the beast sticking its nose into the thicket, pawing at it. After this, zoos were off his list now that he had the sneaking suspicion freaking animals on earth were probably like these guys, just waiting their time to take out all humans. He wasn't going to buy into the whole, nice kitty, nice kitty, any longer.

Trying to get his gun faced toward the place that he sensed the big cat was trying to dig his way into them, John suddenly didn't think his "escape plan" was so awesome. He couldn't maneuver worth crap and if he had to defend himself, defend Evan, he couldn't even tug his gun from the thicket to get a good angle, not like his bullets were doing any damage but it was the thought that counted. Then he had another thought: C4. That he could reach in his pocket but then there was the whole, close proximity thing. He might blow he and Evan up along with the beasts. But crap, this was a 'danger close' situation and if he had to do a makeshift 'call fire down on their heads'…being blown up just might beat having the privilege of being cat chow.

Another roar sounded and then, to John's disbelief, the ground vibrated under his crouched position, signaling the beasts were off and running. But it was long minutes before he was certain they were alone before he spoke, though quietly. "Am I just being delusional here or did they leave?"

"If you're delusional, than so am I," Evan returned quiet tone for quiet tone. But he didn't hear John moving so he stayed still too. It wouldn't be great to be tricked by a stupid alien jungle cat into a sense of false security.

"It's brotherhood of the wolf," Sheppard announced like it was a eureka moment, his tone still at whisper decibel.

"That's no wolf," Lorne refuted same decibel as his leader. Sure, he wasn't a hunter but he knew the difference between a wolf and the things out there wanting to devour them.

"Wasn't a wolf in the movie either," Sheppard replied. "Was a trained lion armored up and giving wolves a bad reputation."

Evan caught himself from snorting. A movie, his CO was talking about a freaking movie. "I like movie references as much as the next guy but does this help us kill these things?"

Sheppard's voice had a funny note of disappointment, "Actually, I can't remember how they killed the thing." As if he thought if he knew how the make-believe beast got killed he could use that method to kill their present cat antagonists.

"Great, nice inspirational speech, sir," Evan grumbled but in truth, the conversation took some of the edge off of his nerves, like John intended it to.

"Hey, they killed it," John indignantly whispered back. "And I know like…two guys survived. Ok, one guy might have lost his arm."

"Still not helping. And there's not one beast but three..maybe four." Because he would like to think the beast coming at them from the west was one from the attack of Ulon and Rictus but he wasn't completely sold on that idea. Apparently neither was John.

"Yeah, so not fair odds," John grumbled.

"I don't think the beasts care about fair," Evan pointed out.

"Yeah, those two villager guys didn't even _touch_ the corpse and they went straight for them." Silently John ranted, _'I'm the one that touched the dead guy, they should have come for me first.'_ Hated that he hadn't insisted they stay with the villagers, that they didn't adhere to the safety in numbers rule. That two men, three actually, were dead and the beasts responsible had them on the run, were probably out there just waiting for them to crawl out so they could have more fresh meat.

Hearing the guilt in John's tone, knowing his leader would have felt better if he himself had been attacked instead of the two strangers losing their lives, Evan kept his grateful relief that the beasts didn't go straightaway for Sheppard unspoken. Sure, he felt terrible that Ulon and Rictus were dead but he wouldn't want it to be John instead. But his CO wouldn't appreciate that line of thinking so instead he said aloud, "Wish I believed they were full and were going to take the rest of the day off for a long nap."

"Yeah, they didn't sound all that sleepy," John quirked back. Silence fell, both men straining to hear sounds that weren't there. "Don't know about you but I'm not keen to spend the next three days in here, hoping someone misses us…well misses _you_ and sends a search party. One that includes Ronon because he can track like no one's business and maybe he even has experience killing armored jungle cats."

Out of all that, Evan latched onto one word that disturbed him. "Wait, why just missing me? Why not missing us?" Sheppard's silence was heavy this time and Lorne was in denial of what it meant until Sheppard went ahead and confirmed his suspicions.

"Ah, well, I didn't really tell anyone I was tagging along with you," a hint of chagrin in Sheppard's tone. Who knew it would matter he didn't tell anyone his plans. After all, it was his vacation day, he didn't owe anyone a sit rep or anything…except now it would be kind of great if someone knew where he was.

At John's statement, Lorne felt his heartrate kick up. "Tell me you're kidding?" because yes, someone would miss him after he missed tomorrow's return timeframe but if someone knew Sheppard was with him, they would be more vigilant on the whole missing his check-in thing. He had seen how mother hen Rodney, Teyla, even Ronon could be with their team leader. No way would it take two days for them to guess John was in trouble, swore they had spidey senses and knew instinctively when the man was in jeopardy. Course even if they did sense it this time…they didn't know where the man had skipped off to. "Oh _damn it_!" he cursed, didn't care if his CO heard it or not. Having the military leader of Atlantis's life in your hands wasn't something to take lightly, when that leader was vital to their continued survival not to mention so well revered and down right idolized. Then there was the fact that Sheppard had been adopted as a family member by his tight knit team. Suddenly the responsibility to keep the Colonel safe seemed to explode to larger than life proportions.

"Hey, doesn't matter if anyone knows I'm here or not, they know you are," John soothed, didn't quite get Lorne's freak out, I mean besides the lions from Jurassic Park wanting to eat them. "When is your radio check in? Should be soon right?"

Evan closed his eyes and hung his head, hated to be the barer of bad news. "I don't have a check in scheduled for today. The radio reception's crap in the woods and I told them it would take me a day to get to the village, maybe a day to show them how to operate some of the equipment then another day to get back."

John processed that information. So the three day guess of his, it was wishful thinking. Would maybe be four until Atlantis got serious about looking for the Major. Four days…even if they crawled from the thicket and didn't get eaten on the spot, it meant days of outrunning the beasts or trying to get the villagers to put away their pitch forks and let them hide in their basements or wherever they hid from the monsters. "I really didn't think this through, huh? Crap!" he growled, punching the closest branch. He had leaped before he looked, had been so…so desperate to get out of Atlantis that he didn't take a good look at the Major's mission parameters, just knew it was his way off the city for a day, hadn't thought it would be a three day mission and that was before they stumbled onto the brotherhood of the wolf monsters.

Evan really wanted to ask John why he had made the now obviously rash decision to join him, what made him need to leave Atlantis without anyone knowing. As if his CO sensed he was about to ask something personal like that, Evan all of sudden heard Sheppard moving, was about to question what they were doing when his CO spoke.

"To heck with hiding out in here. It's hot, it's picky, there's bugs…and we'll die of dehydration before anyone finds us. I say we get out of here and just keep moving. Come on, even the cave men outsmarted dinosaurs wanting to eat them year round, we can do this."

"Actually we don't know they did outsmart them. None of them lived to tell the tale except in hieroglyphics," Lorne unhelpfully pointed out.

"Stop channeling McKay," John growled as he managed to get to his feet and started to retrace his passage into the thicket. Heard Evan doing the same thing to his left. "I'll go out first. If you hear me scream…it's a safe bet the coast is not clear."

"Very reassuring, sir," Evan muttered, didn't appreciate that being the not clear signal as he stopped a few meters from his entrance point, could see unfiltered light ahead. Then he saw Sheppard moving, pausing to listen then making a run for it, doing a forward roll out of the thicket and then he was out of Evan's sight. Anxiety thrummed through Evan's nerves, his eyes searching for the sight of Sheppard even as he wanted to clamp his hands over his ears so as to not hear Sheppard's scream. But what came was a low, "Lorne move," and Sheppard's was there, crouched at the edge of the opening of the thicket, his back to Evan as he scanned their surroundings for the threat of things with big paws and merciless claws and teeth. Moving as quickly as he could, Evan emerged from the thicket, crouched down beside his CO, joining Sheppard's vigil.

Instead of speaking, John did hand signals, ordered Evan to begin heading east. Evan obeyed without question, trusted Sheppard like he had no other leader before. So if the Colonel said go east, the direct opposite of where the stargate was and the villages, he went east.

Touching the paw prints in the ground that were larger than his two hands put together and noting that they were heading west, John reassured himself he and Evan were heading the right way, away from the beasts. So he quietly took up the rear position, would guard their retreat in case the beasts came back. And yes, he knew the 'gate was the opposite way, that the somewhat "friendly" villages were the opposite way but at the moment he had to concentrate on survival, not escape, because his gut was saying the beasts weren't going to let them get away, had almost enjoyed the rush of the hunt for the prey. No, they would come for them again, John was sure of it. He just wished he had a plan for killing them when they did.

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Dinner in the mess hall was a somber affair, well it was for the one table usually boisterous with laughter. Instead three people occupied the chairs and pushed food about on their plates but consumed little and laughed not at all, barely spoke, really.

Having had it with the silence and them not saying what they were all thinking, Rodney flung his fork down onto his plate. "Ok, let's just say what we're all thinking. Something's wrong, with Sheppard maybe, with us…with just….this," and he gestured to the three of them.

Putting her own fork down with resignation not anger, Teyla nodded her head in agreement. "Yes, I sense it too."

Ronon was still determined to take another bite, chewed it with vigor then met his teammate's gaze. "What? It's his vacation day, doesn't that mean he gets to do whatever he wants to do, not work, not check in…with us or anyone else."

"Well, technically but…who even knew he was taking the day off?" Rodney cross examined, waiting to see if either of them broke under his interrogation.

"He did not mention it to me," Teyla answered and Rodney knew she was being honest.

Ronon, giving up, also tossed his silverware onto the tray. "Didn't say anything to me….but…" both his teammates looked expectantly to him, "when I asked him yesterday morning about sparring today, he said he couldn't."

"And he didn't say why he couldn't?" Rodney questioned, hoped for some real clues.

"Nope."

"And you didn't ask," Rodney seemed peeved by that so Ronon growled, "If he wanted me to know his plans, he would have told me."

Rodney snorted. "Right because he's mister open book, mister let's talk about something that's bothering me."

"Did you think something was bothering him?" Teyla now was the one cross-examining Rodney, wondering if he was holding out concerns for John from her.

"What? No! I'm just saying if something was bothering him…he's like Fort Knox." At his teammate's blank expression, he clarified, "A vault that's supposedly impenetrable."

That had the threesome falling silent again. "Did he take this date off before?" came from Ronon, his insight clearly surprising both his friends that he thought he had to explain further, "Maybe it's a date of memorial."

That had Rodney reaching for his keyboard, striking the keys and then scowling. "Well last year we were a little busy worrying about a Goa'uld bomb in Atlantis on this date." At Ronon and Teyla's incredulously looks he demanded, "What?!"

"You have that written down?" Ronon asked holding back a smirk.

"Yes, I keep a journal and see how helpful it is," he defended before, with a few more keystrokes, he sighed. "And two years ago on this date we were in a lockdown with a nanite virus."

"And the year before that?" Ronon asked and McKay looked a little shaken.

"I didn't know him back then. Of course I could…have the ability to…I might…." Rodney stammered, because he had never violated Sheppard's privacy before, hadn't dug into his records, even when he had really really really wanted to when Sheppard first popped up in McMurdo, all Ancient gene powerful and got assigned to the Stargate Atlantis team. Then it was against the rules and now…it seemed a betrayal of their friendship to view Sheppard's personal file.

Teyla reached out, gave Rodney's hand a squeeze, understood him. "If John did not tell us about this date, we must accept his wishes for privacy." Rodney nodded in relief that he wasn't going to be browbeaten into betraying John even if for good intentions but didn't agree much with Teyla's next conclusion. "And I suppose that means not learning where he is right now."

"I don't like it," Ronon gruffly protested and then he abruptly got up, dumped his tray and left his friends behind. He understood keeping things private, allowed Sheppard to block him out on so many topics out of respect, friendship. Even if it hurt sometimes, even if he thought Sheppard actually talking about things might help the man, lessen the burden Sheppard forced himself to carry. But he had never pushed things between them, had accepted the limitations Sheppard put on their bond, had just treasured the man's friendship that he did offer him. But now, turning a blind eye to Sheppard's absence, albeit a planned one, it stirred worry in Ronon's gut. No, fear. Like watching Sheppard get sucked into that invisible wall of the sanctuary and not come back out. Felt wrong, like him not following Sheppard into that void had.

And his instincts had kept him alive as a runner for seven years, had allowed him to keep his new found family alive for two years. He wasn't keen to ignore its warning, to lose more people he cared about. So he didn't care if John wanted the day to be alone, Ronon was going to track him down, make sure he was ok and then, if it was proven without a doubt that he wasn't in any danger, just maybe he'd let Sheppard out of his sight for the rest of the day.

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They were being followed. And it wasn't by covert agents. Not unless they had traded up their footwear for big paws. There wasn't much giving it away, a rustle of leaves, a crack of a branch from the side, a slight tremor under foot, the hairs on the back of John's neck standing on end.

Lorne sensed it too, had shot a look over his shoulder at Sheppard, they both confirmed their suspicious. But there was little they could do except keep moving forward, continue to be stalked because that beat being run down and gobbled up. It truly was a game of cat and mouse and they definitely were the mice. There were no thickets to hide in, no rivers to take a water taxi away, only the same old landscape of trees after trees. And without a map of the area or even a good guess about the seasons or growing cycles or needs of the trees and plant life, John had no idea what they were walking toward. But something told him they were being herded there and there was nothing good about that conclusion.

Then the forest ended without much warning. One step Lorne was in the middle of the thick forest and the next on a rocky outcropping, nearly toppled down the incline if John hadn't snagged his jacket and yanked him back to stumble into him. Skirting around Lorne, John looked down at the sharp incline, recognized the shale ledges like he had seen in Afghanistan. Nothing could grow there and the shale was knife sharp and jagged and had a bad habit of breaking off under foot. Far below was more forest. Looking to his left there was a small ledge of clearing edging the woods that lead to a small mountaintop. It would be their best bet to take high ground, maybe scout out a way back to the gate and around their furry stalkers.

With another hand gesture, John indicated for Lorne to go left. With a dutiful nod, Lorne began cutting through the forest in that direction. It took twenty minutes for them to maneuver through the woods and the snapping limbs were drawing closer but never quickening with their lateral advancing. The beasts were pacing them and John didn't like that one bit. When they made it to the small clearing and the mountaintop, John stood guard watching the woods while Lorne started to climb up the seventeen foot outcropping.

But when Lorne gave a startled cry half way to the top, John spun around to see Evan falling, was going to go to the Major who impacted with the ground with force when he realized why Evan had not fallen but had actually let go of the rockface: a beast much larger than the ones that had been pursuing them was at the top of the mountaintop. Then, using its powerful legs to vault off the rock, the beast lunged for the downed Major. Lorne raised his gun, sent bullets into the pouncing beast, but the beast didn't flinch in pain, didn't change its trajectory. And Lorne had nowhere to go, his shoulder pressed up against the rockface on his right and the incline was on his left.

With a tenacious growl of his own, John charged the beast, tackled it midair before it could land on Evan, hoped his momentum knocked it far enough off course that it didn't crash down on Evan. John, however, wasn't so sure _he_ wouldn't land on Evan but that seemed an acceptation if awkward situation compared to the other man being eaten.

For Evan, it was surreal watching the beast pounce for him, its hide underside gradually blocking out the sun then there was another shadow darting in from the left and he knew that human growl. Caught sight of an Atlantis military uniform and combat boots then the sun was visible again and he barely turned his head in time to track Sheppard's movement.

Man and beast were locked together in mortal combat as the beast's back clipped the edge of the rockface, shattering it and then they bounced off, the beast and Sheppard together and tumbled down the shale descent. Flipping over, Evan scrambled to the edge on all fours, screamed "Sheppard!" as the tangle of fur, spikes, boots and spiky hair plummeted down the shale. But Evan had to tear his eyes away from the horrific sight when a roar sounded behind him, reminded him he wasn't as alone as he felt up there.

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TBC

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Thanks again for the awesome support for this story. The signed and unsigned reviews are so wonderful! It's really fun sharing it with you all!

Have a great day! (Especially a better day than Lorne and Sheppard are having!)

Cheryl W.


	4. Nature Walk

Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

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Chapter 4: Nature Walk

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Four beasts ringed Lorne's position but he felt more frustration than fear. He had to get to Sheppard, damn it, didn't have time for this. Spraying the beast with bullets with a shout of outrage didn't do more than cause them to roar at him. But surprisingly, they weren't making a run for him, were pacing around but not attacking. Then they seemed to be growling at one another more than him, taking nipping bites at one another and then a fight broke out among them.

And Evan had watched just enough animal kingdom to start to understand. "Right, ok. While our Alphas hash things out why don't we go to our respective corners," he lowly spoke as he backed up and spared a look over the ledge. Sheppard nor the beast were visible and he cursed, honestly didn't know if that news was good or bad. Turning back to the prowling but not attacking pride, he watched as more nipped at each other, miraculously forgot about him. Realizing that they were in a contest vying for alpha position now that their own alpha was suddenly not giving them directions, Evan chanced to turn his back on them and began to plan a path of descent.

Giving one last look to the beasts, Evan stepped onto the shale and had to rebalance himself as his foot slipped. It would be slow going but he was going to get to Sheppard and with every step he prayed that picking a new alpha wasn't in _his_ future plans, that his pack's alpha was still alive, kicking and coming up with smart aleck comments somewhere at the bottom of the incline. Because maybe the beasts' pride could survive losing its Alpha but Loren wasn't at all sure his pride could survive losing their own Alpha. Because Lt. Colonel John Sheppard wasn't just a leader, he was a champion of the people, a true hero, was selfless beyond measure and he was just so frigging likeable. Nope, he couldn't be gone, Evan wouldn't let him be gone, especially not on his watch, his mission. Besides Ronon would probably snap his neck if he came back with Sheppard's corpse, McKay would stage some chemical explosion in his quarters to blow him up and Teyla, he'd see her knife work, was sure she'd have a blade with his name on it. Then there was Dr. Weir and Dr. Beckett, both supposedly into peace and saving lives but he didn't doubt they'd make an exception for the neglectful Major who got Sheppard killed.

' _Just stop! This is Sheppard we're talking about! He's a survivor_ ,' Evan sternly coached himself trying to stem his growing anxiety, not for his fate but for his CO's, his _friend's_ fate. Because honestly, if Sheppard was dead, he doubted he'd put up much of a defense against any retribution the Colonel's adopted family wanted to exact on him. He would deserve the worst they could dish out if he lost Sheppard for all of them.

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Ronon wasn't making any new friends but he could have cared less about that on a good day, under happy circumstances, which this was neither. So he continued his rough interrogation of everyone who came in his path. Had they seen Sheppard today? Did they know where he was? And the idiot who joked, "Who's Sheppard?" Got an elbow to his brow and Ronon let him fall where he dropped.

It was two hours later when he was browbeating his way through the visiting dignitaries when one of the escorts tried to get him to put a belligerently unhelpful politician down from his position half way up the wall thanks to Ronon's big hand clutching his shirt. "Whoa, whoa, Dex. VIP here. You break him, he buys Atlantis and fires us," Lt. Lucas Supplee tried to cajole the big man to not break any necks, at least not on his shift.

"He answers my simple question, I don't break him," Ronon snarled, not bothering to face Supplee.

"Hard for him to answer when he can't breathe. Why don't I take a crack at your question while he catches his breath, huh?" Supplee placated, glad when Ronon loosened his grip enough on the egomaniac jerk of a politician enough for the man's feet to settle on the ground. Trying to put himself between the politician and the furious Satedan, Supplee pressed, "So fire away, what's on your mind?"

Fixing his intent gaze on the interfering Lt, Ronon said. "Sheppard. Have you seen him today? Know where he's at?"

The Lieutenant was a little shocked that he could answer the question. "Sure, saw him this morning." Wasn't prepared for it to be him pinned up against the wall by Ronon but thankfully his feet were still on solid ground.

"Where? When? Do you know where he was going?" Ronon fired off, for the first time gaining hope he'd get at least a clue to Sheppard's location.

"About quarter of 6 in the prep room. I was gearing up for the mission when he came in, said he was taking my place. I picked up this assignment instead."

Ronon's tone turned almost beseeching. "What mission? Where did he go?"

"With Major Lorne to planet…ah crap, I forget the number assigned to it. We were going there to drop off supplies to the villagers we had befriended, thought might make an ok ally to go up against the wraith and do some trading with since they were farmers," Supplee answered wasn't expecting the intimidating tall man to smile widely, clap him on the shoulder and then turn around and run off. But hey, he knew his place, hadn't questioned the military leader of Atlantis when he opted to go on a simple supply run mission with the Major, wasn't questioning why Dex was so desperate to find Sheppard's whereabouts. It all was above his paygrade, thank God.

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After painstakingly making his way down the inclined ledges, Evan was finally on the forest floor below. It wasn't hard for him to pick up the beast's trail, simply followed the wreckage among the branches and underbrush. Allowed himself an undisciplined stumbling stop when he spotted the motionless beast, the blood soaked ground and the human arm peeking out from under the beast. "Please no," he fervently prayed as he rushed forward, crashed to his knees beside the animal carcass, calling out "Sheppard!" in a panic. Even up close the only part of the Colonel visible was his arm and Evan was terrified that it might not even be attached anymore, had to steel himself before he reached out, wrapped his fingers around the wrist, praying to feel a beat of a pulse under his fingertips.

Evan nearly sagged in relief when he felt life under his fingers, then he was giving the hand in his grip a squeeze, tried to not read too much into the fact that were was no receptive squeeze back and no smart aleck comeback to his , "Hang on Sheppard. Hang on." Was glad to see the beast wasn't reviving, knew it couldn't when he saw the knife protruding from under its jaw and its dead sightless eyes. Then he started to use all his strength to roll the beast off of Sheppard but suddenly froze. Now that he had shifted the beast, could see Sheppard's unmoving body, he realized that the beast wasn't just pinning John beneath its weight, it had its jaw clamped into Sheppard's shoulder. Cursing viscously, Evan traced his fingers along the beast's jaw, into its mouth, down its teeth, felt the blood sticking to his fingers as he met the junction between the teeth and John's flesh. Thing had latched on and not let go, had died trying to take Sheppard with it into the hereafter.

' _Sorry he's mine and others. You don't get to take him with you_ ,' Evan internally raged, thought Sheppard would be amused at him having a pissing contest over him with a beast, a dead one at that. But his boast was useless if he didn't get Sheppard free of the beast, back home and to Dr. Beckett's magic ministrations. So he grabbed the beast's jaw above the front of John's shoulder and John's back and tried to pry it open…but the damn jaw didn't move more than a centimeter. Giving a shout of frustrated outrage, Evan tried again and still he couldn't move the massive jaw. "I'll break all your teeth in your head if I have to," he threatened, then directed to the man pinned under the beast, "Talking to the fake wolf, not you, sir. Wouldn't touch your golden smile," he reassured, wished Sheppard would joke back, even threaten him instead of the unnerving silence and unnatural stillness.

Suddenly Evan wished he had paid any kind of attention to his strange uncle who did his own taxidermy on his kills, whether it was a skunk he caught rummaging in his trash can or the 4 point buck he got in his prime. The man would know how to unhinge a deceased animal's jaw. ' _Again, who knew I'd need that know how in the armed forces, even Stargate?!_ ' Evan exclaimed to himself before he pulled his hands back and fisted them, knew he had to calm down. "You could wake up, help me, you know?" he addressed to Sheppard but got nothing back in return. "Ok, so you're not helping so I'm going to improvise," he warned and still that didn't scare Sheppard into reviving.

Sighing, Evan knew he was on his own so he stood up, scoured the area and returned with a sturdy but thin branch in his hands. Carefully, trying to not catch Sheppard's shoulder, he slid the branch in the beast's jaw, tried to judge when it would give the optimum leverage. Then, with a prayer that he wouldn't kill Sheppard, he pushed down on the limb and the jaw moved. Evan levered more of his weight on the branch, praying it didn't break. Finally the massive jaw opened far enough to remove the teeth free of John's shoulder. Afraid to loosen his hold on the limb and consequently the jaw, Evan gave the beast's body a shove with his foot, trying to roll it off of Sheppard. When the massive jaw was resting on the ground and no longer hanging over John's body or face, Evan released the limb and used his hand to push on the animal's corpse. Had to use his legs to give him the strength to move the beast but finally, with a last heave, the beast's body tilted and fell away and Evan got his first good look at Sheppard.

It he hadn't felt the man's pulse, he would swear his friend and leader was dead. There was blood soaking Sheppard from the waist up, coating his hair, smeared on his face, his uniform was torn in so many places it was dangling in strips to his side and his chest. And if his chest was moving, Evan couldn't detect it with his naked eye. Quickly he leaned over, pressed his ear to John's chest, thankfully heard the thud thud of his CO's heart doing its thing, though slow, plodding, like it was effort, effort, effort.

Palpitating around John's neck, he searched for bumps, misalignments, indicators that he had a neck injury but there was no signs of that. So he gently grabbed Sheppard's jaw, rolled his heavy head to face him, sickly reminded him of John doing the same to Seison's corpse. "Colonel? Sheppard? John, can you hear me?" he bade but there was no response from Sheppard and from his new vantage he noted dark blood on Sheppard's temple. Reaching up gently he traced the blood felt the gash under the sticky deluge. Head trauma.

Then his hands examined the rest of Sheppard, searching for injuries and finding more than he wanted to. Possible cracked ribs, deep lacerations on his chest and side made by claws, not to mention his shoulder sporting teeth marks and his hands and arms were cut up, probably due to Sheppard clinging to the spiked back of the creature when he tackled it. "To save me, damn you! I'm supposed to be your protector, not the other way around," Evan railed at the unconscious man. Luckily he didn't detect any internal injuries but that was just his military medical training findings, wondered what Dr. Beckett would rattle off if he were there. But he wasn't there, all Sheppard had was him.

Pulling out John's medkit and his own, he set to work, doing what he could, what he knew how to do. Clotting powder and pressure bandage on Sheppard's shoulder and around a particular deep claw mark on his chest, bandages around his head wound and the bleeding claw marks on his arms, his badly lacerated left hand and then an antibiotic shot because he didn't want the word inflection let alone rabies to even get into his head. He debated the morphine but didn't administer it. As heartless as it might seem, if Sheppard could wake up, he needed him to. They were still in danger, were days away from being counted as missing and miles away from the stargate, maybe more than he calculated due to their detour down a cliff.

Through all his shifting of Sheppard's body, the applying of the bandages, the shot, John didn't stir, didn't twitch an eyelid, was all deadweight. And that was unnerving to Evan because Sheppard was a fighter, kept going when others would be down for the count, pulled rescues out of his butt when he was in worse shape than the people he was rescuing. "John, come on. You're not making this a very relaxing bromance moment for us," he taunted. "How about you wake up now and say something goofy and heartwarmingly hopeful and make this better for me, huh?" But all he got back was cold silence. "Course not," Evan grumbled. "I'm warning you now, as your superior on this mission, I'm officially writing you up for making me worry."

Then he gently hoisted John over his shoulder and started the trek west, toward the gate, toward help, toward home.

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"I know where Sheppard's at," Ronon announced, causing Rodney to spit his coffee as the man seemed to simply materialize at his side out of thin air.

"Ow, ow!" Rodney exclaimed, wiping the burning liquid from his hand before turning to Ronon. "Little warning next time before you pop in like a jack in the box." But then he replayed Ronon's words and turned to the tall man, demanded, "Where? Where is he? Is he ok?"

Ronon's smile faltered. "Don't know if he's ok but he went on a supply run with Lorne early this morning. He wasn't scheduled to, just tapped the guy on the shoulder who was supposed to go with the Major and told him he was going in his place."

But Rodney was frowning. "That doesn't make any sense. He took the day off to go onto an impromptu mission with Lorne?!"

"Hey, I didn't say I knew why he was where he was, only where he was," Ronon defended himself.

"Yes, yes, that's good and all," Rodney distractedly said as he got up, already heading for the gate control room. Ronon paced him.

"You think we can contact them, make sure …well….you know…" Ronon broke off, wasn't sure how far he could take this and not come off as some worried mother checking up on Sheppard.

But McKay didn't have any qualms about himself coming off weak and whiny and worried. "Course we'll contact them," like that was obviously what was going to happen, he'd make it happen.

So he and Ronon stormed onto the gate control room and Rodney promptly tossed a young technician from the control check and took over, checked the log, determined the planet, pulled the Major's itinerary and then sat back, not liking the info he was gathering. "It's a three day mission and there's poor radio connection. The Major thought he'd lose connection as soon as he parked the jumper and went into the woods for his…." McKay read more of the file and then rubbed his forehead, "Oh great, seven or more mile hike to the villagers, where he planned to spend a day before hiking out the next day."

"So we can't contact them," Ronon stated, not happy with being thwarted from feeling relieved that Sheppard was ok.

"Isn't that what I just said," Rodney snapped before his fingers flew over the computer keyboard again. "Ok, it's a straight jump." Then he was standing up, nearly plowed into Dr. Weir. "Oh, Elizabeth, didn't see you there," he almost apologized, didn't think she would approve of his plan and wasn't happy she was there.

"What's going on?" she asked in that gradeschool teacher tone for bad kids, her eyebrow raised.

Rodney was going to come up with a great story but Ronon spoke first. "We know where Sheppard went and we're going to go check on him."

"Oh really," she drawled and McKay really didn't like her tone. Or her, "My office, now."

Ronon and McKay shared a glare then reluctantly followed Elizabeth.

Leaning against her desk, she demanded when her visitors were inside her office, "Ok, where is he?" because she was about as curious as they were.

"He tagged along with Major Lorne's mission to planet M52-3212 for a supply drop-off," McKay provided, hands clasped behind his back, hoping they could get Elizabeth to see their way of thinking. "They haven't been in radio contact so I think it merits…"

But Elizabeth cut him off. "According to Major Lorne's account of the planet's atmosphere, he didn't plan on making radio contact with us once he landed."

Irritated that his ruse was detected so early and easily, Rodney stiffened, "I think his calculations are off and we should attempt contact, we might get through if it's a clear day and the signal's…."

"Rodney," and Elizabeth was using that placating tone with him but then her expression softened to one of gentle concern. "There's no reason to think anything is wrong. So John joined Lorne's mission at the last minute, it's not like he's not done that before."

"He didn't request the day off to join the Major," Ronon stated, knew he was right about that.

"No…but then again we don't know why he wanted the day off. Maybe he just wanted a nice hike, a day away…" but she faltered here, knew McKay got her meaning that she didn't speak when his lips tightened.

"Away from us, that was what you were going to say?" Rodney challenged and part of him couldn't find fault in her logic, was why he was so keyed up to find Sheppard in the first place. "If he'd have stuck around, we would have each told Sheppard we overreacted, maybe …a little, to his whole High Noon scene with Kolya."

"I understand you want to make amends but gentlemen, he's on _vacation_ …" she held up a hand to forestall Rodney's objection. "And he can do whatever he wants on that vacation, even go on a mission."'

"But…" Rodney protested but Elizabeth was shaking her head.

"No, I'm not authorizing you to intrude on his getaway, not to mention probably intimidate the people we're trying to make our allies with your unscheduled appearance. Not without good reason," she amended when Rodney's face got all red with his angry frustration.

Ronon, who had remained quiet during Weir and McKay's give and take, finally spoke up, "You value Sheppard's gut instincts, have been known to follow your own….can't you trust ours, mine, McKay's and Teyla's."

"Gut instincts, yes, but I think this is more guilt talking," she chided but then sighed and clasped her hands in front of her legs. Staring down Ronon, she cross examined, "Tell me this isn't just that, you being worried you damaged your relationship with John. All of you worried about that."

"Ok, yes, that plays a part but still…" Rodney confessed and began to rationalize but Ronon spoke over his words.

"Please," Ronon entreated, steeling the air from the room and causing Elizabeth to stand up from her lean against her desk and Rodney to draw in a sharp breath, neither having heard the Satedan say that word or use that tone before. "Please let us go for him. If we're wrong.. no harm but if he's in trouble…and we don't go…." He broke off, didn't want words of doom taking root in any of them.

Elizabeth was thinking and the room fell silent. Then she nodded, "Ok, go but I trust the Major's information, don't think you'll have any better luck making radio contact if you head into the woods. So I won't send another team until the three days are up," she warned but the two men were already hustling out of the room, intent on getting to the planet, reassuring themselves their leader was ok…and if he wasn't…Elizabeth trusted Ronon, McKay, Teyla and Lorne to bring him back here so they could make him ok.

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It required a new level of balance for Lorne to maneuver through the forest with a limp, taller-than-he gave-him-credit-for Sheppard dangling over his shoulders in a fireman's hold. Had to not topple over himself when he stepped over roots and underbrush, had to maneuver around the downed tree trunks because he couldn't leap over them now and then there was the trouble of catching Sheppard's dangling legs or arms and hands on the trees and leaves and brushes. All that on top of expecting a beast to come roaring out of the woods at them and the alarming rate blood was seeping through Sheppard's bandages and soaking his shirt. All in all, it was one of the most trying, vexing, bad days Evan had had, and that was saying something.

And the worst wasn't over, not by a long shot. There was no shelter, no water, the lifesigns indicator turned out to be as fragile as McKay always whined it was because it was broke, probably in Evan's startled fall from the rockface. So there would be no tech support on locating the stargate and, even if he had a general idea where it was, a stupid ridge blocked him from getting on level ground with it. He was down here and it was up there…with the beasts of course. He nearly startled and dropped Sheppard when the other man croaked out, "Put me down."

"John?!" Evan exclaimed as he stumbled to a stop then crouched down and, as gently as could, leaned back and slid Sheppard off his shoulders onto the ground. Once John was settled on the ground, Evan spun around, knelt at John's side. "Thank God you're awake! How are you doing?" his eyes searching John's, knowing the man's propensity to downplay his pain.

"Awful," John croaked, wasn't up to the 'I'm just fine' game. Trying to get Lorne in focus with his blurry vision, he expounded raspy, "I fell down a hill, got rolled over by a lion dinosaur thing and I think it thought I was its chew toy."

Lorne grimaced in sympathy. "Yeah it did, scratched the heck out of you too."

That had John looking down at himself, seeing his shirt open to reveal bandages across his chest and torso and shoulder, saw they weren't that white anymore, most were red, some soaked with blood. He tentatively poked at the one around his chest, because he didn't know what had happened there, but instantly knew it was tender, blazed pain across his chest making breathing hard. "Ow," he choked out, letting his head drop back onto the ground, found it didn't clunk against the forest floor because Lorne's hand was bracing his neck, eased it's descent. "You hurt?" he asked Evan giving his second in command a visual once over before tensing, remembering the danger and looking around, "The other beasts?"

"I'm not hurt and once you sidetracked their alpha they started fighting among themselves, probably deciding who would step up to be the next alpha," Evan related, bringing his canteen up to help John take a drink.

Realizing the importance of rationing their supplies even in his current state, John just took a minimal sip, enough to wet his mouth and sate a bit of his thirst then drew back. From his vantage point sprawled out on the ground in a thick unknown forest, in a lot of pain and trying to not show it, Sheppard demanded of his second in command, "What's the situation, Major?"

Lorne reported the grim news. "We're hemmed in by the ridge but I've been getting us in the right direction of the 'gate. No water, no caves, no cover but at least our furry friends haven't begun stalking us again."

"They will," Sheppard cheerlessly conjectured. "The alpha is he…"

"You killed him, sir," Evan proudly assured, saw some relief cross Sheppard's paper thin complexion.

"Good, he sucked…worse than the others," John said a little breathlessly before he sputtered out a cough which erupted agony through his head right down to his toes, had him trying to roll over to minimize the pain.

Putting his hand on John's leg, the only place the man wasn't injured, Evan tried to keep him immobile. "Easy, you have some cracked ribs too."

Trying to lie still and ride out the pain, John rasped out, "Yeah, just figured that out." Closing his eyes, he formulated their plan of action, "Just give me a minute then we can get moving again."

"You want something for the pain?" Evan asked, would risk John passing out under the morphine's influence now that he saw the agony his friend was in.

But Sheppard stubbornly shot the idea down. "No. I'll be fine," he lied, opening his eyes and holding Lorne's to sell it. "Ok, get me up," and he reached his hand up, waiting for Lorne to lever him to his feet.

Lorne hesitated to do Sheppard's biding, didn't like the prospect of John moving on his own, couldn't imagine the pain walking, especially in this terrain, was going to put Sheppard in. "Today before the big pussy cats come back," Sheppard quirked and Lorne sighed but knew it had to be done. But he didn't yank the injured man up by his arm, instead, stepped behind him and slid his hands behind John's arms and pulled him up gradually until John could get his feet under him. Not surprisingly, Sheppard swayed but Lorne didn't let it go any further, was there, pulling John's arm over his shoulder and wrapping his own arm around John's waist. He tried to shut out Sheppard's grunt of pain as the man's cracked ribs and the clawed up flesh and his wounded shoulder protested every part of John's new stance.

Then they were moving, slowly, until John protested Lorne's babying him. "At this rate we might as well wear catnip and let them enjoy tearing us apart. Faster Major. I at least want to give them the thrill of the hunt."

Gritting his teeth like he was the one in excruciating pain, Lorne moved them at a greater pace through the forest but it wasn't easy finding passages that he thought John could maneuver. A time or two he had to go over a fallen tree trunk and then reach back, aid Sheppard in getting over, then he was practically back to carrying all of Sheppard's weight for a few minutes until the colonel got his pain under control and regained the strength to work his motor skills. But every step was draining Sheppard's strength and soon the man's head was barely off his chest and Lorne feared he'd pass out again and with his head wound, that didn't seem like a good thing.

Twenty minutes through their trek, Evan broke the silence between them. "Permission to speak freely, sir."

Evan's voice roused John enough to lift his head, move his feet in more a mockery of steps instead of slip and sliding. "Sure, this is your mission after all."

"Ok, then, from superior to subordinate…" Evan began evenly enough but then his tone shifted to down right pissed off, "What the hell did you think you were doing?! And from someone who actually considers you a friend, I should kick your butt for what you did back on the ridge!"

That got John's heart rate kicked up a few notches, shot a little adrenaline in his blood stream, giving him the gumption to lift his head and glare at Lorne. "Whoa, whoa. Cut the hostilities. I saved your life."

"By nearly getting yourself killed! No wonder your team's pissed at you if this is the type of crap you pulled last mission. Heck, knowing you, you do it every mission!" Evan fumed, was reliving the attack again, seeing John tackle the beast then fall, how he had felt …..fear and dread and anger. It made his heart pound in his chest and his hands itch to lay his CO out with a punch just remembering it.

Instead of getting angry or protesting Evan's accusation, John dared to shoot him a smirk, drawled, "I am not feeling the love."

And that was the old Sheppard charm, that both pissed off Evan and dampened his temper. Shooting his CO a look, he allowed, "I'm still pissed you did what you did but….thanks for saving my life."

Sheppard smiled a weak smile. "You're welcome." Then they trudged along in silence until John spoke. "I was wrong."

"Yeah, how?" Evan inquired, couldn't wait to hear this.

"This isn't Brotherhood of the Wolf," John admitted his error, smirked when Evan chuckled at his statement, that he was back to referencing movies.

"It's not, huh? Then do tell, what movie are we extras in?" Lorne drawled, appreciated the lighthearted banter. It was 100% better than a silent, unconscious Sheppard with him feeling alone and weighed down with both of their survivals.

"It's 'The Ghost and the Darkness'. About a lion terrorizing an Africa territory," John explained, trying to not stumble when his foot slid on some leaves and his ribs didn't appreciate the jerking motion.

Steadying Sheppard, Evan permitted, "Right kind of animal, at least," hiding a smirk because he actually knew this movie. "Does it have a happy ending?"

"One hunter survived," Sheppard announced cheerfully before he admitted a beat later, "The other hunter though, he bought it."

"The older guy, right? Couldn't keep up with his young partner?' Evan goaded, enjoyed the glare his elder superior bore into him.

"Are you hoping I'm Michael Douglas? Because if that's what you're saying you're so getting demoted if I survive this," John mock threatened back.

"With that hanging over my head, you're not giving me a great incentive to protect you, sir," Evan drawled, couldn't help chuckle at the startled glower Sheppard lanced into him.

"Now I know why people don't always appreciate _my_ humor," John murmured under his breath. Then they were trudging along in silence for a while. It wasn't long before John was stumbling more and Evan felt Sheppard's side turn wet with blood, coating his hand.

"We've got to stop," Evan announced, already slowing their already slow pace.

"No, keep going. I can take it," John insisted in a wheezed breath, his head down, sweat dripping off his face, drenching his shirt.

Evan changed tactics. "Ok, I need to stop."

"Liar," John panted but he knew Evan had to be tired too, carrying his unconscious carcass who knows how long before he woke and now bearing a lot of his weight because he could barely manage a shuffle.

Figuring it was time to stop beating around the bush, the Major bluntly stated, "Fine, you're bleeding badly and I need to try and stop it before I'm carrying a corpse instead of my CO." Then, not waiting for the Colonel's permission, he halted their progress, eased John down to sit on a trunk of a downed tree, had to catch the man when he almost pitched backwards without his support. "Whoa, hey, steady," Evan soothed, hands gripping John's forearms as he crouched down to be eye level with the wounded man. He tilted the man to the left until his shoulder was leaning against a tree before he dared lose his supportive grip.

Pulling the meager remaining supplies from his medkit, Lorne fought down a curse. It wasn't much. So he stripped off his jacket, pulled off his t-shirt, put his jacket back on then started to rip his t-shirt into strips for bandages. "Bet you wish you'd stayed home, right? Your team's angry lectures gotta be better than this?" he joked, hoping to keep Sheppard lucid.

"Debatable," Sheppard hedged. "Once Rodney's on a roll, he doesn't shut up."

Lorne snorted. "Trust me, I know. Like that planet Ford was on. McKay was certain the sun was going to make him self combust. Strange thing is though, if you're in danger, he risks more than combusting to save you."

John had to smile at that. "Yeah, under the cowardly lion is a big hero. Used to surprise me how he risks his life to save everyone."

Evan noted that John didn't acknowledge his observation that McKay took the _most_ risks when it was Sheppard in danger. "Most times I don't know why he's on your team until I see him in action. Then there are your two other teammates, neither from Earth."

John gave Evan an assessing look, like he thought his second was questioning Teyla and Ronon's value, just because they weren't natives of Earth. "SG1 has Teal'c."

"Yes," Evan accepted before he protested the comparison, "But he didn't hold any of the team members hostage before getting offered a place on the team."

"Ronon was backed into a corner, did what he had to do to survive. Besides, he didn't hurt us," John fervently defended his friend. But a second later, he was gasping in agony as Evan tighten his makeshift bandage around his shoulder and John thought he might pass out but Evan was talking again, distracting him from the pain.

"Ronon stunned you and Teyla both," Evan reminded, hoped John's fierce loyalty to defend his team would keep his mind off the agony he was putting him in to help him.

Evan's statement had a smile breaking over John's lips instead of a scowl. "Yeah and he's stunned me since joining my team, probably with a lot more glee."

Evan laughed at John's insight but wholeheartedly agreed, "I know he has." Wrapping the remaining portion of his t-shirt around John's chest wound, he tightened it with a knot and then had to practically catch John as he slumped forward, his head coming to rest on Lorne's collarbone. Evan cupped the back of John's neck and wished Carson was there, that the Daedalus was overhead, could beam them into an infirmary, _now_.

"Sorry, John, I know it hurts," Evan said with true regret but John's muffled voice forgave him.

"Gotta be done, know that." Though he knew he was being weak, John didn't raise his head, tried to work though the lightheadedness and the pain.

"Still sucks," Evan retorted and John gave a low chuckle. "Yeah, yeah it does." Then John forced his head up, grabbed Lorne's jacket and looked into his second in command's eyes. "We can't be out here at dark. If these things are anything like our lions, they have great night vision."

"You're full of all kinds of fun facts," Evan sarcastically drawled but he was already helping John hop down from the tree trunk, again pulled John's arm over his shoulder and settled his own arm around John before they started their torturous journey again.

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It took absolutely no convincing for Teyla to join McKay and Ronon on their mission. In fact, she beat them in the jumper. But as the gate dialed, there was palpable tension in the puddle jumper. "We don't know anything is wrong," Teyla reminded which Rodney bleakly shot back, "And we don't know something isn't wrong."

"Well, let's get there and find out already," Ronon bluntly stated causing both his teammates to nod under his sage advice. Then Rodney piloted the jumper through the event horizon. Exiting the 'gate on the planet, he settled the jumper beside the Major's. Ronon and Teyla checked out the jumper, determined that there were no signs of a struggle or an emergency. But just because there wasn't a blood trail, Rodney wasn't cheering in relief. Instead he was studying the lifesigns indicator.

"Ok, we have a tight gathering of lifeforms to the west, and north, which I assume is the villages." Then he moved the device around to the east and south and tensed. "There are more scattered signals this direction."

Teyla came to look over his shoulder. "Two signals here.." she pointed and Rodney nodded, didn't berate her for pointing out the obvious because he did the same the next moment. "Yeah, and a scattering of signals here of three, four…five maybe, traveling together but at a little distance," pointing to the other section of his screen.

"The Major was going to go to the village, drop off supplies," Ronon said, but there was more a question there then a suggestion that they should head for the village.

"Yes, if things are as they should be, he and John should be there," Teyla agreed but there was hesitation in her tone.

"But if things are not going to plan, are going….well, like things usually go for Sheppard.." Rodney began but it was Ronon who finished his thoughts.

"Lorne and Sheppard are the two dots out there in the wilderness, off the beaten path and being pursued by those scattered dots." Then Ronon was heading to the west, as if they had already made the same conclusion. Without a word, Teyla followed Ronon but Rodney stood there, balked, "Can't we fly the jumper down there? Do we have to walk?!"

Taking mercy on him, Teyla stopped, turned back to him and patiently explained what he already know. "The forest is too thick to land anywhere near the signals, Rodney. This is our only way to them."

Rodney managed a whine, "I know, I know" before he trudged after his teammates. He grumbled under his breath what he did for John Sheppard was so not logical and if the man didn't continually return the favor by saving his life…well, he did, so that's where his rant stopped. He had said it once before, he and John saved each other's lives. It was what they did and he'd do it again today and John would owe him. And that would be just fine with Rodney, would even take being in John's debt as long as the man stuck around, didn't go anywhere, didn't do something totally unacceptable and die on him. Putting that highly disturbing thought out of his head, Rodney quickened his pace and promptly tripped over a tree root. Oh yes, John was going to owe him big time for this, even if he wasn't in danger.

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TBC

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See, no evil cliffie this go around. But it went against my grain. No promises for the rest of the story. HAHA. Thanks for every single encouraging review. They keep this story updates coming! And I also appreciate those silent readers.

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.


	5. Dogging Every Step

Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

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Chapter 5: Dogging Every Step

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Heat was pouring off Sheppard, seeping into Lorne and the Major cursed the ineffective antibiotic shot he had administered the Colonel hours ago. Sheppard clearly had a fever now adding to his struggle to keep his feet under him, to walk a straight line, to not sag in Evan's grip.

For John's part, he knew he was nearing the end of his endurance, felt like he was burning up from the inside out. His vision was blurry and wouldn't clear, his balance was shot to hell and his body was shutting down on him. His heart was pounding hard but it wasn't beating right, like it was off tune and his lungs seemed compressed, unwilling to allow him to draw in full inhales or exhales and his legs, his limbs were starting to rebel on him, not listen when he commanded them to move. It wasn't long after when John caught both feet on a tree root and fell.

Evan, however, did his own brand of tackle that ended up with Evan taking the brunt of the contact with the ground while John landed in Evan's lap like an overgrown kid but it kept John from smacking his head into the hard ground and jostling his ribs and opening his wounds. Well Lorne hoped it did that. Easing John off his legs to sit on the ground, he carefully maneuvered the man until his back was resting against a tree. Crouching down beside Shepard, Evan got a full on look at his commander and wasn't all that encouraged, even if most of the blood tainting Sheppard's shirt and hair was the beast's. He pressed his canteen against John's lips and John forgot to only take a sip, to conserve water, instead he drank greedily and Evan let him.

When John spoke, he barely recognized his own voice, was hoarse, weak, "You know I'm fine hanging out here while you go bring the car around."

It was as close to an admission of defeat as Evan had ever heard from John Sheppard and it scared him to death. But he gamely played along with Sheppard. "As much as I'd love to be your personal chauffeur, I don't trust your luck to not get eaten by a friend of your earlier pal."

"I wouldn't get eaten," John tried for indignation but it came out gasping instead.

"Like you wouldn't get mauled," Evan challenged. "Bet taking you to the zoo was like throwing chum to the shark tank." He was rewarded for his efforts when John managed a comeback.

"You're not funny," John retorted. "Now Ronon…he's quite the comedian," he quipped.

"I bet, next Jay Leno," Evan snorted at the thought of the tall tough Satedan cracking political jokes in a three piece suit and John snorted too, probably at the same mental picture, then clutching at his chest, his rib, and sputtered out, "Ow..ow..stop," because laughter wasn't the best medicine in this case.

Evan braced his hand against John's cracked rib to stabilize it, soothed, "Alright, alright, even breaths. Don't tear out the clotting either."

Clamping his eyes shut, John gasped out, "This sucks."

"I know, just hold on. We'll be there soon," Evan pacified.

But John opened his eyes, smirked, "You're a terrible liar."

Evan pretend to huff out a breath in upset, "Fine, we have at least five miles to go and a ridge to climb. Feel better?"

"Not really," John conceded, knew he had to get up but couldn't do it yet.

"You this much of a whiner with your team?" Evan taunted, knew John wouldn't accept words of comfort but jeers he appreciated or else he wouldn't have Rodney McKay as a best friend.

"No, I'm the leader," John confessed, eyes closed, didn't see the clenching of Evan's jaw at his admission.

But Evan couldn't let that statement go unopposed. "They wouldn't think any less of you if you let down your guard, said something when you're in pain."

"Can't," John refuted then opened his eyes, met Lorne's. "I would think less of me."

With frustration, Evan bit out, "You're a stubborn man."

But Sheppard wasn't mad at the label. "Sounds like something I've heard before."

"Probably a lot," Evan shot back even as he felt guilty for berating a man in agony. Shaking his head, trying to get himself and his own emotions locked down, Evan looked down at his CO, saw his black t-shirt bandages were blacker than before, saturated with blood. Sheppard was bleeding out and he was there dragging him across acres of a forest. And John didn't have to be gravely wounded, he shouldn't even be there.

Quietly, Evan earnestly questioned, "Why did you skip town to come with me? Because your team's been pissed at you before so I know it's not just that."

"They have? When?" John demanded, blinking in surprise at that revelation.

"Whenever you take stupid risks, almost get killed." Then Evan smirked, taunted, "So what, four out of five of your missions?"

"Still not funny," John muttered but there was a little light in his eyes again.

Sinking down in the ground beside John, Evan knew he had to let John rest, had to rest himself. Quietly he declared, eyes holding John's, "Kolya got what he deserved, John. No one doubts that and if you hadn't killed him…one of your team would have."

John's denial was instantaneous and firm, "You're wrong." Then he took a breath, painted the true picture for Evan, his voice tainted with shame and regret, "You should have seen their expressions when Kolya went down, the way they all looked at me. Like somewhere along the line they forgot I've been trained to take lives, have done it now in two galaxies."

Lorne partially understood what John had seen in his team's eyes. "It's not like you don't try your hardest to not give them and everyone else that impression. Maybe even yourself."

"Killing isn't my most endearing skill," John self-castigated.

"Endearing? No. But necessary. It's one of the reasons you're a damn fine soldier and the best CO I've had or the mission could ask for. Because you have heart, you care, but you can still do the dark tasks for the greater good. Taint your own soul to keep someone else's pure."

"Me killing Kolya …are we trying to see that as being for the greater good?!" John dared Evan to try and sell that dud.

"He was a threat to Atlantis…and to you," Evan sharply reminded John then a dangerous edge crept into his tone that not many were privy to. "Personally him just being a threat to you was enough to put him on my kill-on-sight list. Ronon's too."

"Yeah but Ronon would put Ronald McDonald on that list with little provocation," John snarked back, didn't know how else to process Lorne's loyalty to him.

But Evan refused to let John deny the truth of his words, of the depth of his friends' loyalty to him, his own loyalty to him. "But Ronon really, really, _really_ wanted Kolya dead. And for the record, so did McKay and Teyla."

That had John staring incredulously at his Major. "Who's the one losing blood and possibly delusional?! McKay couldn't go that dark and Teyla..she's the one who stopped me from killing Kolya on sight. I think I know my team better than you do."

"Do you?!" Evan dared because he didn't think John did, the man was blinded by his low opinion of himself, couldn't accept how much he meant to his team. "So what do you think is going on with your team right now?"

That question wasn't hard like Evan thought it would be. "Rodney's in his lab, Ronon's sparring and Teyla's meditating," he cockily supplied.

"And not a one of them is wondering where you are?" Evan interrogated him.

"Trust me, they want to avoid me like the plague." And John would later attribute it to his fever and the blood loss what he allowed to slip out next, "After that FUBAR mission with the Wraith mind control, me shooting Rodney and Ronon and now this Kolya thing…I get it if they are afraid of me. Maybe they have good reason to be."

Evan couldn't believe John was getting things so wrong. "You're wrong on so many levels. They aren't afraid of you but afraid for you! Going up against Kolya like some gunslinger in the wild west," and there was angry disapproval in Evan's tone, couldn't imagine being a helpless spectator to that like John's team and Carson had been. "You think that didn't scare the crap out of your team?! For a smart guy sometimes you miss the obvious stuff, Sheppard."

Hiding his hurt at Lorne's slam, John grumbled, "Great, kick a guy when he's down and out. Gotta say Major, you're not that much fun on a two man mission."

Shame covered Evan and he hung his head and shook it, silently reproached himself before meeting John's eyes and giving John's uninjured shoulder a squeeze. "I'm sorry, John. I've been too loose with my opinion and my mouth, if you need to write me up…"

"If I decide to do that…" John started off seriously enough before his smirked ruined his façade, "I'll make sure you come off as a real badass. Some very interesting women love a bad boy."

"You would know about that, sir," Lorne mischievously shot back, John's joking having instantly dissolved the tension between them. And that was another thing about Sheppard, he forgave easily, quickly, was just an all around great guy. ' _That I dragged into a bad episode of Alien Animal Kingdom and don't know how to get him out of,_ ' Evan berated himself, knew their moment of levity was over, that they had to keep moving. And Sheppard knew it too, silently gave him a nod and Evan aided him to his feet, had to draw Sheppard tight against his side and take most of the Colonel's weight but they managed to be on the move again.

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Pulling out the lifesigns indicator, McKay nearly ran into a tree trying to multitask but he managed, always did. He called out his findings to his fellow travels, "The two dots were stopped for a while but now they are moving again…slowly," said that qualifier with worry because Sheppard traveling slow was never a good sign and if the dots really were Sheppard and Lorne then…

"The other dots, are they…closing in?" Teyla asked as she kept moving through the forest behind Ronon.

"They are gaining ground on them and …" Rodney analyzed the dots formation. "They are still in a line but they are starting to spread out."

Ronon cursed before he concluded, "They are planning on flanking them."

"How far away are we from them?" Teyla directed at Rodney.

"We should intercept them in…probably two miles or so," Rodney calculated and he smiled at that news. "Shouldn't take us long to…" But then Ronon called out a frantic, "Whoa!" and did a wobbling dance of balance before Teyla grabbed him from behind and pulled him from the ledge he almost blindly stepped over as the woods abruptly ended. "What!?" Rodney called out, cautiously made his way to Ronon's side and then found out what the hold up was. "Oh crap," he muttered as he stared down the cliff bringing their fast pace traveling to a standstill.

Ronon looked over the edge as if judging how to get down, if he could slide down or walk down but the angle of the descent was too sharp for safe maneuvering. "We need a way to get down there."

"Thanks for stating the obvious and unfortunately I forgot my mountain repelling gear in my _other_ uniform," Rodney snarked, which his two team mates chose to not acknowledge and he missed John sharply in that moment because John would have had an equally snarky comment to volley back at him. Coming up against vexing situations weren't any fun at all without Sheppard…not like they were _fun_ with him but…Sheppard had a way of making the worst situations…somehow better, gave them hope or …Rodney didn't exactly know but he missed it. ' _You better be ok, you idiot_ ,' he silently sent to John as they stood on a ridge separated from their leader and friend.

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Even toeing the line of passing out, John felt the tingle in the back of his spine of danger, sensed Evan did too because the other man had picked up their pace in the last few minutes. But upping their speed from sloth to tortoise wasn't really making much of a successful get away of what they both knew was hunting them.

"Guess we…missed the…inauguration party," John falteringly managed to gasp out, using his ebbing strength to keep his head up, to watch the way forward and keep his legs shuffling toward whatever lay that direction.

Evan had been around John enough to know the man's quirky humor, got his CO's meaning and retorted back, "Yeah, the new Alpha must have delayed his big bash thinking we could be his celebration meal." Had hoped he was just on edge, that the beasts weren't following them like his gut was telling him they were but Sheppard had just confirmed his gut wasn't wrong. "They got down the ridge, are tracking us, aren't they?" Proved just how much faith he had in his CO that he trusted Sheppard's instincts more than his own even when Sheppard was barely staying on his feet, had to be in immense pain.

"Yeah seems like. They must have mountain lion in their DNA cocktail," John confirmed the bad news. "Don't know …how far…"

"But they are closing ground, fast," Evan finished Sheppard's analysis, didn't need Sheppard expounding more energy than he had to. Evan cast a look over his shoulder but he saw nothing, heard nothing. It was just his danger sharpened instincts, Sheppard's razor sharp sixth sense that said the quiet was a lie.

The beasts were coming and they had nowhere to fortify themselves, Sheppard was in no shape to fight and Evan's gun had proven less than ineffective. Sure, Sheppard had killed one…up close and real personal with a knife…to the underside of its jaw with a precise blow that entered the beast's brain. Evan didn't have high hopes the gathering pack would come at him one by one, and sit back patiently and let him find the sweet spot to kill each one in succession. After all, fair play wasn't in these beasts' playbook.

"You know that idea you hated…" John said, as he reached out, used a tree to help keep his balance as he stepped over a small downed tree trunk.

Evan didn't like the sound of this, at all. "Which particular idea we talking about, sir?"

"Me being bait…." John clarified, wasn't surprised when Evan instantly was trying to shut him down.

"No, sir! That's still not an idea I'm even going to take under consideration!" Evan protested.

"Tough!" Sheppard growled, "We're done arguing about it. I'm doing it."

Riding right past his CO's command tone, Evan shook his head and growled back, "Sir, be reasonable!"

John stopped their progress and turned to face his junior officer. "It's _Colonel_ and I'm giving you an order, Major!" he thundered back, eyes blazing with determination.

Yet Evan still wanted to defy Sheppard but then again that trust component had its say. He _trusted_ Sheppard, even when the man came up with the craziest ideas. He trusted him. And he found himself trusting him now, to find a way for them to survive, well for Evan to survive. Evan wasn't convinced the Colonel factored his survival into this but Evan could do his own plan for that outcome without consulting his CO. "Yes, sir," he snapped back, "Permission to know your plan, sir?"

Glad that Lorne was done bulking at his command, at least aloud verbally, Sheppard pulled out his C4 packet from his tac vest. "I'm thinking go big or go home."

Evan's eyes lit up with respect and hope, "We set up booby-traps and they walk right into them when they are too focused on getting to you to worry about anything else being a threat."

John nodded, knew Lorne wasn't his second in command just because his quirky wit complemented Sheppard's own. Pointing to a big tree trunk in their path fifty yards ahead, "I'll take up position there, draw them in."

"I'll set up trip wires," Lorne said as he pulled out his own C4 packet and lead wires.

"Yeah, it's no spiked pitfalls or swinging logs of death but we can't be situationally creative under a time crunch," John joked, remembering all the survival movies he watched as a kid and how he loved all the jungle booby-traps, thought it would great to set them up himself someday _. 'But not today_ ,' he reminded himself, not with all that much disappointment. Today he'd take the comparative cheat of blowing the fish out of the water instead of catching them on a fishing line.

Knowing Sheppard's mind was again on scenes out of a movie, Lorne drawled, "I think we'll take the bad reviews on IMDB for our lack of creativity in dispatching our foes."

"They say creativity is the first casualty of rushing…"John couldn't help quip back.

"Better creativity being a casualty rather than us," was Evan's instant rejoined.

"You make a fine point, Major," John conceded, handing Evan his C4 pack, lead wires and the trigger box, which the other man laid out on the tree trunk beside John along with his own supplies. Doing quick calculations in his head, John determined, "If we split each C4 up into three pieces and link the lead wires we can cover 16… 17 yards."

Lorne nodded in agreement to Sheppard's calculations but pointed out, "We put it directly behind us, it lets our flanks open if they attack us from the sides, like their style when they were stalking us."

Sheppard bit his lip in contemplation. "You're right. So 7 yards on each side and two yards front and center," and he pointed to the ground twelve feet from his current position and where he planned to sit as bait.

Lorne didn't like the idea of Sheppard only having two yards of booby trap in front of him to deter any of the beasts from attacking straight on, aiming to finish the job of killing Sheppard that their former alpha had started. However, Lorne couldn't refute the genius of Sheppard's strategy. "Ok, we don't know how much time we have so…."

Sheppard finished his sentence, "Let's divvy up the C4 and rig the triggers for a trip wire. Then you can set the flanking traps and I'll set the mini me one."

Lorne opened his mouth to protest John's self-assigned task but his superior was giving him that silent but understood command to shut up and do what I tell you to do. With a tad showing of ill grace, Evan nodded his head and then he and Sheppard worked quickly yet carefully to tear the C4 packets into sixteen small rounds of putty. But when they came to the triggers, they were one short which Sheppard had already planned for because he announced. "I'll shoot the mini me C4 if they come that way and you can climb a tree, see from your high ground when to trip the other traps."

Again Evan wanted to protest the risks involved, not in his part of the plan but Sheppard's. Without even talking about Sheppard being bait, having to shoot such a small target wasn't easy not to mention the factors that were already stacked up against Sheppard. Namely the man was gravely injured, might not have the steadiest hands to make a precise shot like that, not to mention the beasts moved _fast_ , didn't give a lot of time to react. However, loyalty and faith in his CO had him swallowing down his objections. Sheppard was one of those people that, when the odds weren't in his favor, he was even more determined to win, some would say too stubborn to lose. Either way, there was no one else Evan would want at his side when the grim reaper seemed to be clearing a path to get to you.

The components for the trip wires assembled, Evan insisted on helping Sheppard to the spot where he would put the two yards of trip wire, eased the man down to kneel on the ground they laid his supplies down. But before he left John to do his own traps, Evan pulled Sheppard's knife out of his boot and offered it to John. "I thought it might be a lucky knife so I didn't think we should leave it behind. Besides, it wasn't doing the beast any good there in his eye."

A slow smile broke across John's pale but pleased face as he took the knife gratefully. "Your thoughtfulness might remove some dings I was going to put in your appraisal review."

"Well, sounds like I could use all the help I can get," Evan drawled with a smile but with his next sentence he knew he was again going to probably earn himself ill marks with his CO. "Stay here until I can help you back into position," he ordered sternly, didn't want John using his limited energy trying to walk on his own, or, more likely, he would collapse and aggravate his wounds. Turning the tables on Sheppard, Lorne gave John's shoulder a companionable squeeze and then he disappeared into the woods before John could protest. Pacing out from John's position to determine where to set his traps, he prayed they didn't get visitors before they had the welcome mats in place.

Ten minutes later, his one set of traps set, Evan came rushing back to John, hoping the man listened to him and didn't try to move on his own. He was relieved to see Sheppard was still sitting on the ground where he had left him, but as he drew closer, the man's sweat soaked colorless face which was bowed down, his chin resting on his chest told him it wasn't good behavior that had the man listen to him but more an all out inability to move.

Crouching down beside Sheppard, Lorne, not wanting to startle the man, gently greeted, "Hey, how are you doing, John?"

Sheppard raised his head with slow determination, his fever bright eyes came up to land on Lorne's facial features. "My trap was set hours ago, what took you so long to do yours?" he quirked, hoping to deflect the concern he saw in the Major's eyes.

"I'm a slacker, thought you figured that out already," Evan gamely replied, before he slid behind Sheppard and helped the man to his feet. John immediately staggered to the right and Evan quickly shifted to his side and coiled his arm around the wounded man's waist, felt the brunt of most of Sheppard's lanky frame tilt against his own body. It was a slow shuffle back to the downed tree for Sheppard's perch, all the while Even was rethinking John's premise of being bait, of shooting the small half dollar size C4 to ignite it if the beasts came straight up the path for him.

Sinking heavily unto the downed tree trunk, John watched as Evan tried to not shift on this feet, knew what the man was thinking and he admitted, only to himself, that Evan wasn't all that wrong. John wasn't seeing that clearly, and his hands setting the C4 were shaky, made him glad C4 was a pretty stable explosive so him winning a sharp shooting contest right then wasn't looking good. Especially since his right shoulder where Tigger had bit him was radiating agony down his arm making shooting the gun with his right hand not viable so he was going to do a lefty shot, course he had no plans to tell Lorne that tidbit. All that led to one acceptable conclusion: only his life was going to hang in the balance of his questionable aim. "You better get to work on the other trip wire," he suggested, knew by Evan's expression that he was just delaying their repeat argument on him playing bait but he was never one to protest having more time to make a defensive strategy.

Reluctantly, Evan nodded and headed off to set the other flanking trap. Was trying to formulate a valid reason for him to be bait and not Sheppard that his CO might see the logic in. But he wasn't hopeful so he was working on his backup plan which involved him NOT watching Sheppard get killed that day.

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Rodney's expression was a new level of incredulous refusal. "I'm not Tarzan!" he shrilly pointed out to Ronon as the other man continued to untangle vines thinking to generously call them "ropes".

Cocking an eyebrow but not stopping his work, Ronon asked in true confusion, "Who?"

"Never mind," Rodney snapped, chancing a step closer to the ridge's edge to look down, which just made him dizzy. Retreating back ten steps he demanded, "And how do we know we won't plummet to our deaths with your jungle man repelling kit?"

Ronon simply shrugged his shoulders, calmly replied, "I'll go first. If I fall…then we know you'll need to find another way down," a teasing smile tugging up his lips.

"Oh lovely, really needed that mental picture in my head," Rodney groused.

Stepping to Rodney, Teyla put a hand on her friend's arm. "Though it is not rope, I believe the vines will hold our weight. I have seen villages make bridges from such materials."

"Good for them," Rodney snarked back but then he got ahold of his fears and nodded in submission to Ronon's plans. Because Rodney knew that, if their roles were reversed, John would risk falling off a cliff if he was the one in danger. And not only that, but if he didn't do this and something happened to John that he could have prevented…he wouldn't be able to deal with that. "Sheppard's going to owe me epically after this."

Ronon smiled reassuringly at his teammate, "We all know he's good for a heroic save. He'll pay you back."

"I'm not sure if that's encouraging or not because I really don't want or like _having_ to be saved," Rodney retorted back but there was decidedly less tension humming off the man. "But you're not reneging on your offer," he said to Ronon, "You're going first."

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His task completed, Lorne hurried back to Sheppard, found him leaning heavily against the tree in back of the downed trunk, but he was conscious, alert enough to sense his approach and straightened up like Evan hadn't seen how weakened he was, couldn't tell the pain he was in. "All set, sir."

"Good," John said, hated how raspy and weak his voice sounded. "You better high tail it up a tree before our guests arrive."

"Sheppard I think we should rethink our plan," Evan began but John raised his hand, stopping the other man's rehearsed deliberation.

John went for the honest truth, the cold hard facts, knew Evan deserved to be able to make an informed decision. "I hate to admit this, but right now I can't climb a tree, Lorne. I can't outrun these pussy cats and last time I went mano e mano with one, yeah I won but I wouldn't recommend it as a sure thing. I think the whole 'falling down a cliff' distraction gave me a little advantage. So sitting here, that I can do. The other thing, " and he pointed up to the tree limbs overhead, "I can't. You have to do it."

Evan wanted to come up with an alternate tactic, had been trying to all along. But it wasn't like he could send Sheppard on without him and play bait himself, the man couldn't walk unaided. And if they left now, they couldn't count on the beasts tripping the traps without an incentive to center in on the location John was in right then and there. And then there was the delay in their putting distance between them in order to set up the traps, the beasts were close, would be on them before too long. It was the frigging Alamo or Custer's Last Stand and neither one of those events turned out good.

Knowing it was time for the mission pep speech, John met Evan's troubled gaze. "I don't know about you but I'm tired of being the hunted. It's royally starting to piss me off. We are top of the food chain…well the Wraith are but they aren't here so it's us. We eat them, they don't eat us, it's the way it's supposed to be and I am so not Michael Douglas. I'm Val Kilmer, we both are."

Evan just had to smirk at his CO's rallying call for battle. Here they were about to take on savage man killing lion like beasts and Sheppard had found a way to make him belligerent at the beasts enough to _want_ the fight to come, to believe there was no way they _wouldn't_ win. "I am man…hear me roar?" he teased and John smirked back.

"Exactly. So shimmy up a tree and let's show these mutant lions we're no one's inauguration meal," John doggedly declared.

"Yes, sir," Lorne readily replied, knew that if this was to be their last stand, he couldn't have been in better company, realized then just how Sheppard's teammates felt on their missions when things looked to be lost. Truly understood then and there why they had undying devotion and love for their commanding officer because, as his grandmother would say, 'he was a keeper.'

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Apparently sitting around waiting to be eaten gave a man time to think. And as much as John knew he should be grateful for any time he had left on his meter, his thoughts weren't of the grateful sort. Regardless of his cocky words to Evan, he did know how things like this could very well turn out, had turned out last time, on this day exactly 4 years ago. Two men pursued relentlessly, one gravely injured, the other foolishly noble and hopeful that they would both make it out of the situation alive. But they hadn't. _Holland_ hadn't. And for so long John had shoved all that down, his guilt, his utter failure, his naivety that he could save Holland just by being there with him, because Holland wasn't alone anymore. How stupid he had been. And he tried to never think of it, of Holland, of watching his friend die in his arms in a barren desert so far from home, surrounded by enemies and no one coming to rescue them. Didn't want to dwell on his up–to–that-point worse epic failure. Well, until his whole waking the Wraith thing which topped all his failures, probably topped all failures of most of mankind.

But that first huge failure, it was a dirty little secret only those who had clearance to read his military files knew about. Colonel Sumner hadn't been shy about shoving it in his face but then there had been Elizabeth who knew about it and still trusted him, not only to tag along and turn on Ancient equipment but to protect all of Atlantis. Course there was the Wraith mind control thing and his secret got a reenactment in full living color and it had felt so damn real, like Holland was there with him, was savable this time. And he had vowed he would save him, that it was real, that he had a chance for a do over, and he would risk everything, sacrifice everything, would not hold back any part of him to do better this go around. Was probably why he had been so quick to shoot, to not question how this do over happened, to not think, use logic, use his damn brain…instead of being lead around by his broken heart. And how did that go?! He nearly killed two of the people he cared about most in two galaxies, shot his own men, his friends. Without thought. If Teyla hadn't knocked off his aim …Rodney would be dead by his hand.

All of that, it had kicked open the door on Holland's death, on failing him, on being so damn quick to pull the trigger, of desperation to save someone, to not lose someone he cared about. And he could no longer shove the memories away in that box, they had started to slip out when he couldn't afford them to. Knew that he might endanger his team if he lost track of his thoughts on a mission. And besides all that, Holland _deserved_ to be remembered, not as John's failure but as one of John's best friends, a brave warrior, one of the best pilots the Air Force had ever known. And that was what John had intended to set today aside for: to remember, to honor…maybe to finally grief for the life lost, instead of grief over the lost chance to spare that life.

But instead of spending time memorializing his friend, in a sick twist of fate, he was reliving that hellish two man journey. This go around, however, he was the wounded one, the one needing rescuing, the one slowing their pace, risking his friend's life. Now he understood Holland's words better than he ever had before. "Whatever happens, thanks for coming for me." Like it was enough he had come for him, that it didn't matter if they didn't make it, if Holland didn't make it. John's presence, his loyalty to stick by him, it was enough of a reward, Holland was telling him that he didn't need his life saved on top of that gesture.

Shit but John got it now. Because it was _enough_ that Evan had helped him get this far, had not wanted him to be bait. Had done whatever he could to keep him alive, endangering his own life in the process. Evan had done enough…wished he had told the man that before they parted ways. But Evan probably wouldn't understand, wouldn't accept the gratitude any more than he had with Holland in that desert. What was the saying… walk a mile in their shoes…..

Today he had been where Holland was and he knew what it was to not be alone, to know he might die but it would not be alone. That he had someone to fight to the last with him, to believe he was worthy to be saved, even if that wasn't his fate. And it made a difference, more than he thought it did, than he thought his coming to Holland, trying to save Holland had. When you were the man who thought he was being left behind and then finding someone wasn't willing to _leave_ you behind, there was redemption in that that had nothing to do with living or dying but knowing you mattered.

That he mattered.

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From his position twenty feet up in a tree a few feet behind Sheppard's location, Evan barely had time to shout out a warning to Sheppard "East Side!" the beasts having approached their position unbelievably stealthily. Then he triggered the trap, felt the boom of the explosion, the concussion shake the ground and saw the area around the trip line billow with stirred up dirt, underbrush and tree remnants in the maelstrom and Evan thought two beasts were caught in the explosion, heard inhuman howls of agony that put a bit of a shiver down his spine.

But he didn't have time to make sure the beasts were down, swiveled his focus to Sheppard, looked ahead and luckily didn't see anything coming for the wounded man, then he looked to the West and cursed as he realized a beast had already made it by the trip line. Praying he wasn't too late, he triggered that one, got the same sound at the detonation and tremble under the tree but there was no howl of agony. "Sheppard one might be coming from the West side!" he shouted even as he was starting to climb down the tree, to get to Sheppard, to stand between his superior officer and whatever sought to hurt him.

Even as he sought foot holds in the lower branches, Evan traded off looking around the area. He was half way down when he saw limbs being jolted, like something was pushing its way through the woods heading right for Sheppard's position. "Straight ahead, something's coming your way!"

Knowing he had to place his bets on which beast reached him first, John decided on the beast boldly cutting through the woods to come right at him, not slinking around the side. The beast clearly wanted to show his power, to prove his new status as Alpha was earned and shouldn't be challenged. So John sat there, didn't run, couldn't run, wasn't his _job_ to run but the gun felt heavy in his hand as he lifted it, aimed at the C4 and his heart was ramping up as the crashing sound of something smashing its way through the woods to get to him got louder. "This might have been _the_ worst plan of all your worst plans, John," he muttered to himself and then the beast was visible, snapping tree limbs like they were blades of grass and coming barreling right at him.

Struggling to keep his left arm steady, to line up the shot, John forced himself to wait, to ignore the massive beast charging for him, to not panic and shoot too early. He wanted this thing nice and blown up which meant he couldn't chicken out, had to time it just right. The beast's massive body tore through the woods' natural beauty, its eyes fixed on Sheppard, it's mouth open in a snarl, it's disturbing grace bounding it along by leaps and bounds, closer, closer, closer. And still John forced himself to stand his ground, to not fire, not until the beast was above the C4 packet.

Twenty five yards between him and the brand spanking new alpha. Then twenty two, twenty, eighteen, sixteen…only four yards to go, John's finger on the trigger….poised…But before the beast reached the C4, a shot rang out from behind John's position. Evan's bullet went true, hit the C4 even as John was ducking down against the tree trunk, covering his head with his left hand to avoid the explosion fall out. A second later, the boom happened and the ground shook, hard, and things started to pelt him.

Then Evan was there leaning over John, protectively covering John's body with his own, making sure no more harm came to Sheppard. He flinched as shards of tree painfully struck his back and head and legs and there was also something wet and slimly raining down on him but he didn't shift his position away. Instead he hunched farther over John, shielded John's face by locking his arms on either side of his CO's head. He waited until the debris fallout petered out before he shifted up, squinted through the smoky choking swirling dirt, ears straining for sounds of the beast.

For John's part, it took more effort than it should have for him to push himself upright on the tree trunk. Then he too froze like Evan had, trying to discern anything in the smoke and dirt dustup that reminded him of how it was trying to land a helicopter in the Middle East where visibility just disappeared in a brown out. It left him with nothing to do but trust his skills and his instincts. But right then, both of those gifts were giving him nothing, forcing him to accept how badly he was hurt. So he did the next best thing to trusting himself, he trusted his second in command. "We get it?" he quietly asked, didn't want to distract Lorne as the man started to step forward to investigate.

"Don't know. Wait here sir." Then Evan stepped forward, probably only took three steps before he was camouflaged by the brownout and John lost visual sight of him. Turning on his P90's light, Evan poked a beam of light through the dense pollution, could make out the ground littered with wood, bark, leaves and bloody pulp. A few more steps and his light hit on the carcass of the beast gruesomely torn apart by the C4. For good measure, Evan kicked the beast's body and to his relief there wasn't even any residual nervous system movement. "Beasts down, sir," he called over his shoulder to Sheppard.

Sheppard's voice came back to him out of the murky air, "Did we get them all?"

"I'm not sure," Lorne reluctantly reported, wished he could be certain. "This makes three down but I don't know if the one from the west was done for the count or if there were more. On the ridge there was four and the alpha."

"I didn't hear anything coming from the west before the alpha attacked but you better confirm the kill," the Colonel ordered before he tacked on, "A wounded but not dead beast is never a good thing."

Even as he began the tedious trek to the west, his meager light shining the way through the haze, the Major quirked back, "Another helpful survival tidbit learned from a particular movie?"

"Only every creature feature movie I've ever seen," John volleyed back and he didn't miss Lorne's chuckle as he sensed the Major's voice traveling as the man was moving to the west.

Slowly the smoke and the debris was disbursing in front of John as he waited tensely for Lorne to either find the other carcass or report that they still had a beast out there on the prowl, probably pretty pissed off. But he could tell just by Lorne's voice that the news was good. "Found it, Sir. It's dead."

At the news, John hung his head in relief and utter exhaustion. Took that moment to allow weakness to show when Lorne wasn't there to witness it. When he heard footsteps trumping down underbrush, he knew Lorne was approaching his position and he forced himself to straight up and raise his head. He instantly froze but this heart started jackhammering in his chest.

A beast was cockily loping toward him like he knew his prey didn't have any chance at all of getting away from him, that it would just be amusing if it tried to.

"Ah, crap, he delegated," John muttered before he raised his voice but kept it steady, calm, didn't want to heighten the beast's thrill of the hunt. "Lorne hold!"

"Sir?!" tension and concern in the one word coming from Lorne who sounded close.

Still using his calm tone, John imparted the bad news even as his eyes stayed latched onto the approaching beast. "The alpha delegated, had the others attack from the sides and then set up one of his lackeys to come straight for me, take the hit…"

"So he could walk right up after we let down our guard, knowing we blew our payload and he's in no real danger of us hurting him," Lorne surmised bitterly, didn't think he was overestimating the animal's cleverness. Then he began to move again, toward John's position as quickly as he could trying to not make too much noise while visibility wasn't great yet. "Damn thing is one of the lions from The Ghost and the Darkness and I think we're _both_ Michael Douglas," he muttered, wished Sheppard hadn't put that movie reference in his head because crap, he had bet Michael's character would have been the last one standing and had been wrong. Strangely hoped he was wrong again, that they were both Val Kilmer instead.

Apparently unable to contain its thirst for the kill a moment longer, the beast's lope morphed into a trot and then a full out charge, accompanied by a roar that put a shiver down John's spine. Though he knew it was probably useless, John still emptied the last of his bullets into the thing until his gun went dry. But it was like the beast was bullet proof, didn't even feel the bullets pinging into his hide, it never even slowed his charge, was locked onto Sheppard like a heat seeking missile. ' _And here I am without any countermeasures_ ,' John bleakly thought, even as he dropped his useless gun and pulled out his knife. He wasn't expecting Evan to sudden burst out of the woods in that moment, and step between him and the beast, a hefty broken tree limb in his hands. "No!" John shouted, understanding Evan's intentions and not agreeing to them at all.

Digging his feet in to get a good stable stance, Evan ignored his CO's protest and choked up his hold on the tree limb. ' _And here I thought I'd never put my little league baseball experience to use'_ he joked with himself, had begun to accept that the Pegasus galaxy had a way of making him use every single ounce of himself to survive, to protect those he swore to keep safe. Like now.

Right then and there, he wasn't past using his _painting skills_ if it would help him stop this animal from getting to Sheppard. Then time seemed to slow down as the beast ran for him, seemed intent on knocking him aside to get to Sheppard. Like maybe the villagers had it right that touching that first dead body had marked the Sheppard…that or the new alpha wanted to kill the man who had killed his predecessor to show his worth. Yeah, probably option two was more animal thought processes.

Then there was no more time for analysis or doubts or fears, was only Evan timing his swing. The limb struck the beast in the head, had it stumbling to the right. The impact vibrated up Evan's arm, nearly numbing it but Evan only tightened his grip, pursued the beast while it was off kilter, got in another blow to its head that had the beast stagger to the ground.

Taking advantage of the beast's weakness, Evan drew closer, was going for an over the head downward strike for optimum power. But from its crouched position, the beast lashed out, his paw batting Evan like he would a play mouse, sending the Major flying backward in the air to collide back first into a tree. Evan landed heavily unto the ground, was trying to draw in breath to his jarred body even as his eyes frantically sought out the beast. Found it was alive and well and getting up, but wasn't coming for him, was again setting its sights for Sheppard, who was somehow standing, had probably been attempting to come to Lorne's aid in the ill fated fight. Watching the beast start toward John, Evan would have shouted ' _No! Stay away from him you bastard_!' if he had breath, but even as he tried to push himself up, to move, his arms folded under him and he still had yet to take in any air.

Relieved that Evan wasn't dead, that the man hadn't been killed in same stupid move to protect him, John faced the new Alpha, knew that he had to kill the thing or it would finish him off and then go for Evan, who didn't look so spry right then. But how to kill it was the big bonus question of the day because all he had as far as weaponry was his knife and he couldn't run to evade it or draw it away from Evan. So with all the smart options off the table, he did what came naturally to him.

Tightening his grip on his knife's hilt, John beckoned the beast forward with a wave of his fingers. "Come on then! Let's do this already. I'm tired of you stalking me!" he growled out, letting his frustration and anger and worry for Lorne bubble to the surface, give him courage, strength. "Honestly I thought your predecessor was a cad for just stepping in when we were cornered but you, my friend, you take the cake. You sacrificed your entire pride to make sure you didn't get hurt and now you come for me." He forced himself to not retreat as the Alpha drew closer, used his ranting boasts of retribution to steady his nerves. "Well I plan on taking a chunk out of your hide before I go, leaving a nasty reminder of me that will keep the ladies away. Because scars are sexy but missing ears, eyes, deformed mouths, and ugly long knife cuts will have them running screaming away from you." Then there was no more time for trash talking, was no more time for anything but for John to tighten his already white knuckled grip on his knife and brace himself for the beast's impact.

Using its massive hind legs to spring off the ground, the alpha leapt for Sheppard.

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TBC

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Yes, the return of the evil cliffies! Can't say I didn't warn you. HEHE

Thanks again for my awesome reviewers and the lovely silently readers out there.

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.


	6. Company You Keep

Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

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Chapter 6: Company You Keep

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But mid leap, a familiar red beam struck the beast, searing a hole right though its side. The alpha crumpled to the ground, its charge halted so close to John that its massive head ended up slumping down on John's boot. Stunned, John looked up from the downed alpha and there was Ronon lowering his gun and, a moment later, huffing up to gain Ronon's side, was Rodney and Teyla.

Navigating a wide circumference around the downed beast, Rodney nonetheless rushed to John's side, gripped the wounded man's arm and gently manhandled him back from the beast. By that time Ronon was already standing over the beast. He put another round in its head, ensuring it wasn't getting up ever again. Satisfied the threat to Sheppard was neutralized, Ronon looked up to his friend, felt his gut churn at all the conspicuous blood on him, the myriad of scratches on his face and arms, the array of bandages covering him and the way Sheppard was wavering on his feet. Crap but he hadn't wanted his gut instincts that Sheppard was in danger to really be true, had at least hoped to get there _before_ the man was hurt. Pushing that failure down, he knew he had to focus on the victory that he had stopped the beast before it could do more damage to his friend.

Teyla went to Major Lorne's side as he struggled to get from all fours to his feet. "Maybe you should remain seated, let me tend to your wounds," she soothed, her hands halting his idea to stand instead of aiding it. But Lorne shook his head, "Help me up," his eyes on Sheppard, wanted, no needed to make sure Sheppard was ok, his own pain could wait.

Teyla fought down a sigh, knew that Major Lorne was made of the same stubbornness as John, probably why John had picked him to be his second in command. But adhering to Lorne's wishes, she helped him stand and for his part, he only swayed a moment before stabilizing himself and pulling from her grip. And then he was making his way to Sheppard.

"Sit down before you fall down, Sheppard," McKay commanded, having pushed John back the final two steps to the downed tree trunk. But Sheppard's eyes swung past McKay, saw in relief that Evan was on his feet, had a swath of shredded jacket on his chest but the vest seemed to have taken the brunt of the alpha's scratch. Then Evan was there in front of John and the two soldiers said at the same time, "You ok?" but Evan tacked on a "sir" to his concerned inquiry.

It had smirks emerging on both men's exhausted faces.

Knowing his superior expected and deserved an answer, Lorne said, "I'm fine, sir, little bruised but not bleeding." Then he raised an eyebrow to John, waiting for his wellbeing report.

"It never laid a paw on me," Sheppard downplayed the peril he had been in but then amended, "Well, its head touched on my boot but I think that was his way of conceding to my superior alpha status."

"Sure it was, Colonel," Evan sarcastically agreed.

"Now will you sit down," Rodney peevishly groused, though it was a poor screen for the worry written all over his face for his best friend.

Done putting up with McKay and Sheppard's verbal sparring, Ronon came to Sheppard's other side and gently but insistently levered John down to sit on the tree trunk. Crouching down, Ronon kept his arm around John's back fearing the man would topple backwards if he didn't. "I take it this wasn't your first go around with one of these things?" his voice sharp, his frustration that he hadn't gotten there sooner tinging his words.

"Not this one, the previous alpha," John provided, saw McKay stiffen and wasn't surprised when the man nervously began scanning their surroundings with the lifesigns indicator. "You see anything around us, McKay?"

Doing a full one eighty turn, Rodney's tense shoulders slumped in relief before he reported, "No, just us here now."

"Good…because those things…not gonna go down as my favorite Pegasus animal species," John admitted, eyes swinging up to the Major.

"No argument here," Lorne wholeheartedly concurred, truly would be a happy man if the beasts one day went extinct.

"Speaking of them…what are they?" McKay asked, finally able to let his inner scientist take center stage. Didn't go and kick the beast or poke it but took a curious look from his station many feet away.

"Ghost in the Darkness," John proudly announced while Evan went with "Brotherhood of the Wolf."

Teyla's face creased in confusion. "I do not understand."

McKay nearly sighed at Sheppard's typical tomfoolery after nearly dying. "They are trying to be cute by referencing two movies with savage lions."

Ronon looked over his shoulder at the dead beast. "Lions…I've seen pictures but I don't remember the spikes or the hairless body."

It was Teyla who provided true merit to the conversation as she crossed over to inspect the beast's carcass. "I have heard them called stivers on one planet I traded with. They hunt in groups and have been known to savagely attack and murder entire villages. They are extremely hard to kill and terrorize a large area when they do not sleep away the warm time of the year."

"I can second the 'extremely hard to kill' part," Lorne provided, knew his report would have put a few more expletives into that calm chillingly true statement.

"So of course you did what is Sheppard's favorite backup plan: blow things up," McKay criticized even as he was high on relief that John's wasn't dead, was wounded, bleeding, looking like more a blood covered zombie than a jungle survivor but he'd take that good news any way it came.

"Hey, the blowing them up idea worked…for the most part," John defended himself, could also read his friend's abating worry for him through McKay's disparaging statement. Then something came to John and he looked to Ronon who was still crouched at his side, arm keeping him upright. "Not that I'm ungrateful for the save but why are you here? Lorne was only expected to do a check-in two days from now."

Rodney sheepishly looked to Ronon and Teyla, didn't want to admit to being a worried mother hen over Sheppard. It was Ronon who finally made a reply and Rodney held his breath, cringing at just what the less than tactful man would say.

"We thought you might be having fun we shouldn't miss out on," Ronon answered, his lips teasing into a smirk as his eyes twinkled as they met John's.

But it wasn't John who made a comeback to Ronon's smart aleck retort but Evan. "You're right. He is the next Jay Leno," Evan drawled then he and Sheppard were exchanging a companionable look of amusement.

"Next Leno? _Ronon_?! I don't get it," McKay ranted, hated when he didn't get a joke.

Not bothering to ask what Earth references Lorne was making at his expense, Ronon suggested, "I've been on enough planets to know that where there's one lethal predator there's more, especially at night, so I say we try to make it back to the 'gate before dark."

"Yeah, yeah, I really don't want to be here in the woods, at night," McKay readily agreed, eyes again nervously inspecting the woods around them for the predators Ronon alluded to.

"First we must rebandage John's wounds, inspect the Major for possible injuries," Teyla level mindedly strategized, knew that John wouldn't mention the pain he was in, and probably neither would the Major.

Of course the Colonel objected to this plan. "No, Ronon's right, we can't waste time here," the next he addressed to Lorne, "as long as you're ok to travel?"

Evan opened his mouth to say he was but he agreed with Teyla's suggestion to concentrate on John's condition, to do something about the man's bloody bandages, fever bright eyes and the pain the Colonel had to be in. But Ronon spoke before he could.

"Making sure you don't bleed to death on the trail isn't wasting time," Ronon gruffly announced, apparently a little miffed at his leader's perchance to dismiss his own mortality, to place no value on his own wellbeing.

Rodney, sitting on the tree trunk on John's other side, put in his vote. "Yeah, I didn't do a stupidly reckless Tarzan routine only for you to expire before we get you back to Carson."

"A routine you might have to perform again for us to reach the gate," Teyla unhelpfully pointed out to McKay whose face fell and he whined, "Really?! There's no better way to get up there?"

Ronon didn't bother dealing with McKay's whining, was already assessing their risk levels. "I say we travel a mile or so, get away from the bloody carnage in case it attracts something else and then we stop, treat Sheppard and Lorne."

Lorne didn't find fault with the Satedan's reasonings, knew the man wouldn't do anything to put Sheppard in more danger. "I agree. Let's move out."

Though the decision had seemingly been made, Rodney still worriedly inquired of John, "You sure you're ok to walk that far right now because…frankly, it seems there's more blood on you than I thought was ever in you." Up close and personal he could see it was blood in Sheppard's hair, smeared liberally across his face, that the bandages around his shoulder and torso weren't just specked with blood seeping through but were more like saturated with blood.

"It's mostly not my blood…" John demurred.

" _Some_ of it isn't his blood," Lorne corrected for the new comers. "The alpha, the first alpha, the Colonel killed it but then he got trapped under it while it bleed out."

"Trapped… _under it_?!" Rodney voice squeaked as that mental picture hit home.

"Yeah, a mano e mano alpha showdown. There was some growling, grappling for position, gnashing of teeth," Sheppard brashly depicted the scene.

"Falling down a cliff locked in mortal combat with a snarling beast." Lorne undertoned, destroying Sheppard's mucho scene.

"Hey, it's my story to tell," John groused, not liking how Rodney's look of awe had turned into a scowl of 'really, you fell down a cliff, fighting a beast,' reprimand at Lorne's uncontrollable need to point out the picky semantics.

"I'm sure it's riveting but if you're feeling just so super, let's start walking already. The smell of dead…" here Rodney looked at Teyla, "What are they again?"

"Stivers," she provided with a patient smile she kept in reserve just for McKay

"Yes, stivers. I have an acute scene of smell and they…"

"We have noses too," Lorne interrupted McKay, was about to cross to John's side to help him up but suddenly knew that McKay and Ronon weren't going to budge from their friend's side. Realizing John wasn't his to solely protect anymore, he felt half knee weakening relief and half an unexpected jealous stab of bereavement. This was the most time he had spent with Sheppard and as much as it was pure hell with them fighting to survive and yet it also wasn't hell. Sheppard had a way about him that even the life threatening situations held enjoyable comradery. It made Evan recall the civil war quote from Robert E. Lee: "It is well that war is so terrible or we should grow too fond of it."

Unaware of Evan's thwarted intentions, McKay and Ronon gently pulled John to his feet, held him between them as John bit back a choked groan of pain and hung his head, breathing hard. At John's outward show of pain, both Rodney and Ronon's faces creased in guilty concern, knew that their friend had to be in agony to let it show like he was.

Fighting to not pass out amid his body's claxon of pain, John drew in a few more deep breaths, hated that he was impeding his friends from getting somewhere safe. Well, _safer,_ because he believed like Ronon did, that where one monster resided, there were probably more. It was the rule of the jungle or something _._ Slowly he came back more to himself, felt capable of opening his eyes, raising his head, found he was surrounded by worried faces after his little selfish time out. "Let's get out of here, huh? It's not at all like the travel agent promised it would be," trying to lighten the mood, assuage the worry of his friends.

Evan was there to help him with his guise. "Yeah, we definitely are going to ask for a refund, maybe demand a free trip to Hawaii."

John's eyes met Evan's in appreciative humor. "They have some of the best surfing spots in Hawaii."

Evan's smiled brightly, glad John recognized that. "I know," he smugly returned, saw John's eyes light up a tad, picking up that Evan had selected that place specifically because he knew John would like that particular amenity.

Rodney broke up the moment with an impatient, "Ok, then less talking, more moving." But still the scientist let John make the first move. So when John put one foot in front of the other, Rodney and Ronon were there matching his slow stride, arms slung around his torso, protectively supporting him between them. With care, the threesome maneuvered around the tree trunk and set out behind Lorne with Teyla bringing up the rear.

It didn't take long in their journey before Rodney and Ronon were exchanging worried looks over John's bowed head. The Colonel's at first determinedly stubborn steps had deteriorated to shuffling and they had slowed their pace so John could attempt to keep up with their motion. "Here's a good spot," Ronon announced. Though it was closer to the carnage than he liked, he refused to push Sheppard any further. Forgoing even trying to settle John sitting up against a tree, Ronon and Rodney instead started to ease the wounded man to lie down, ignored John's slurred, "Too soon to stop." With a hand cupping the back of John's neck, Ronon gently eased the man's head onto the ground.

Once lying on the ground, John closed his eyes, felt the last of the adrenaline ebb out of him leaving only pain and utter fatigue in its wake. He let himself drift, knew his life was in the hands of people that would keep him safe, that he could let his guard down now that it wasn't just him and Lorne and the beasts were all dead. His team inexplicable was there with him.

Coming to kneel beside John, Teyla started unpacking the first aid supplies she had had the foresight to bring along. Rodney, sensing she hadn't brought enough for the job, soon emptied his pockets of supplies and joined them with Teyla's. Knowing that Teyla and Rodney would see to John, Ronon stood up, came to Lorne. "Let me look you over."

"I'm good," Lorne demurred unable to look away from John's too still form, recriminations again pelting his conscience for getting his CO in this mesh, letting him be so grievously injured.

"Good like Sheppard's version of good?" Ronon cross-examined which got Lorne's attention flickering to the tall man.

"More like your version of good," Lorne gamely answered, which gained a grin from Ronon in understanding. So Ronon knew Lorne was hurt but could go on without medical treatment and wasn't putting his life or health at risk, the Major wasn't Sheppard's ' _I'm in agony but I'm not going to do something unmanly like mention it'_ version of good.

But still Ronon reached out, run his fingers across the shredded strips of Evan's jacket, didn't find any blood under his fingertips. The scratch hadn't broken skin but Ronon had seen Lorne on the ground trying desperately to get up and get to Sheppard when the alpha was going for Sheppard. Trying to get up and failing. "Ribs?"

Chagrined as if embarrassed by the injury, Evan admitted, "Think a few might be bruised or cracked."

Ronon nodded. "Teyla can give you something for the pain."

But Evan shook his head. "No, the Colonel might need it," eyes again worriedly settling on Sheppard.

And that stubbornness eased some of Ronon's grudge against Evan for Sheppard's injuries, watched the emotions fighting to be concealed in the other man's features as the Major looked at his wounded commanding officer: Guilt, worry, fear, self-hatred and recriminations. Ronon was familiar with those feelings, had them any time Sheppard got himself hurt on his watch. Gently clamping a hand on Lorne's shoulder, he commiserated, "He's a handful, isn't he?"

Evan's head snapped to the right to look at the Satedan, surprised that the man's words weren't reproaches for what he had let happen to the Colonel but sympathetic and teasing. Evan let out a breath he felt he had been holding since the first beast attacked hours ago. "Damn it," he choked out, bending over, hands on his knees, the tension and all those hours carrying the weight of Sheppard's life solely in his hands hitting him hard now that his emotional guard was down. "Thank God you came, got here when you did."

That had Ronon swallowing hard, even he had to acknowledge, if only to himself, how close he had been to losing his best friend. If he had run slower when he heard the explosions, had gotten turned around tracking the sound, had gotten there a second later, fired a moment too late, Sheppard would be dead. He would have arrived just in time to watch the beast kill one of the people he cared about most in the world. And he didn't think he could have borne that, not after losing Malena, all of Satedan. Knew that Lorne had kept Sheppard alive long enough for him to not be too late, to not lose someone he just couldn't lose. Lowly he offered to the Major, "Thank you for keeping him alive until we got here."

But Ronon's thankfulness only made Lorne want to apologize because, ok, Sheppard was alive but the state he was in…the pain he was in…the cost it would have on him trekking back to the stargate…. None of that was worthy of a thank you, not from Ronon or McKay or Teyla and not from Sheppard. Straightening up, Lorne gritted his teeth before he spoke, "I'll scout back a little ways, make sure nothing's following us."

Ronon let the Major go, knew the man had his own ways of dealing with things, like they all did. Returning to Sheppard, he crouched down at the man's side, opposite of Telya, who was carefully removing the bandages and a makeshift bandage of a black t-shirt from John's shoulder, all of which were soaked with blood. Rodney, kneeling at John's head, was uncharacteristically quiet, usually kept up a running commentary when he was afraid, worried or sometimes amped up on too much caffeine.

The bandages finally removed, Telya tried to soak up some of the welling blood, get a visual of the wound she was dealing with. From his vantage point, Rodney leaned over, got a better look than Teyla did at first. "Oh crap, are they…" then he looked up, met Teyla and Ronon's questioning looks. "Teeth marks...he was bitten."

Ronon growled in angry frustration, that he didn't spare John this, at the knowledge that bites were very serious, led to infections quickly. Which had him reaching out, tenderly resting his big hand on John's blood stained, sweat drenched forehead. "He's hot with fever," he grimly announced, eyes meeting Teyla's across John's form.

"He can hear you, you know," John interrupted the medical show drama going on over him, his voice rough and barely above a whisper, knew he shouldn't have let himself sink down too deep into himself. It was proving hard to reopen his eyes, but he did, found worried faces again staring at him, down at him this time.

"John, we are just concerned for you," Teyla soothed, stopping her ministrations to hold John's gaze.

"Yeah if this is how you look after _winning_ against that other alpha, can't say I'm impressed," Rodney snarked, was heartened when John's eyes lost some of their dullness and his sharp witted friend retorted, "Hey, I was really impressive! That thing was twice the size of the one Ronon killed, just ask the Major."

Not wanting Sheppard to know Lorne had gone on a solo recon and begin to worry, Ronon sarcastically drawled, "I'm sure he was. Maybe three times as big, right?"

Catching onto Ronon's taunt, John groused, "Hey, don't pick on the injured guy! I think that's a rule or something."

"No, no I don't think it is," Rodney denied, his tone light and a smirk breaking across his worry strained features.

"Well it should be," John sulked.

Breaking into the good natured ribbing, Teyla said, "I'm sorry, John, but I need to check your back. Can you roll onto your side?"

"I'll help," came simultaneously from Ronon and Rodney and then the two men were glaring at each other over Sheppard's form.

"I don't need help," John countered but pain radiated down his shoulder and his back as he started to roll to his left, found two sets of hands on him, slowing his motion into a gradual shifting that cut his pain down in half.

Hands positioned below John's shoulder wound, Rodney had levered John upper torso while Ronon did the same action from his careful hold at John's waist and legs. Then John was on his side, he had a moment of weak coughing and he found himself rolled a little further until he settled against Ronon's knees, his chin coming down to rest on the side of his friend's thigh and his hand finding a purchase on Ronon's coat to anchor himself. Hand coming to rest on John's back, Ronon watched as Teyla pulled away the bandage, revealed a matching set of wounds to the front of John's shoulder. "That thing got a good taste of you," but the tightness to his tone belied the casualness Ronon was trying to convey.

Without moving a muscle, John surprised them all by replying with a "Did it?" seemed to be asking them if that were true.

"Yeah it did! What, you didn't notice it trying to _eat you_?!" Rodney exclaimed, felt a little sick at the sight of the wound and more than unnerved at the bold evidence of how viciously John had been attacked.

John admitted with a bit of chagrin, "I guess that kinda got lost in the mix of falling, getting clawed to bits and generally being in unbearable pain and blacking out."

The retelling had John's three friends paling. Ronon's voice was quiet, gentle, "It sank its teeth into your shoulder, you're lucky it let go without shredding your muscles."

"It didn't let go," came Lorne's voice from above them, causing Ronon, Rodney and Teyla to look up at him, didn't like the expression on his face of bad memories resurfacing. "It died with its teeth sank into his shoulder. I had to pry its mouth open."

"Pry it's…" Rodney started as if didn't get it but his words broke off then as he did.

"That must be the stivers way of dying with their boots on," John tried to lighten the stilted mood after Evan's bombshell.

"A western reference, really?" Rodney complained, knew John, in secret, liked when he picked on him.

"Yes, a western reference, better than your scientific references that no one gets," John shot back wasn't expecting Ronon to side against him, especially if it meant taking McKay side.

"You get McKay's references," Ronon pointed out, enjoyed McKay's smug "Huh, right, he does," and John's protesting "No, I don't."

As the others kept John distracted, Teyla had been working steadfastly to clean the wound on Sheppard's back. Then she applied more clotting powder and settled gauze and bandage around the wounds before she nodded to Ronon, telling the other man that it was time to move Sheppard again.

"Gotta get you on your back, again, buddy," Ronon announced, felt John's chin tap against his thigh as the man nodded, knew Sheppard was already clamping his jaw shut, gearing up to handle the pain the movement would cause. Again Rodney and Ronon each played their part in rolling John now onto his back. Witnessing John's stiffened frame and unmeasured breaths, Ronon reached out, took John's hand in his, allowed the man an outlet for his pain, knew it was accepted when his hand was nearly crushed in the Colonel's grip.

Then Teyla treated the bite wounds on the front of John's shoulder, felt John shuddering in pain as she dabbed at the slashes on his chest and arms in rows of four from the beast's claws before dusting them with clotting powder and putting on new bandages. Sweat soaked John's hair and face and Ronon used some of his valuable water to wet a piece of his shirt that he had torn free and brushed it over John's forehead, down his face and neck.

In silence Lorne watched the tender treatment, felt horrible that his own aid to Sheppard hadn't been gentle or as comprehensive even as he knew time and being hunted had played a big factor in his actions. It still made him feel like a horrible person. Was a little surprised to know he had zoned out, that Teyla was on her feet, facing him now. "What?" he asked, thought the woman might have said something to him he hadn't registered.

"I said I would like to treat your wounds now, Major Lorne," Teyla repeated, reaching out for Lorne, wasn't prepared for the man to take a step back out of her reach.

Not wanting any time to be wasted on him, Evan excused his retreat from Teyla's good intentions, "Like I told Ronon, couple of ribs are tender but nothing that needs patched up right now."

Hearing the exchange going on above him, John murmured, "He fell too," opened his eyes to meet Evan's. "Just not as high as I did. But then he went bonus rounds with one of the beasts and got swatted, hard. Into a tree."

"Didn't take you for a tattle tale, sir," Evan jeered testily.

But John managed a smirk on his ashen features. "Turn around's fair play, Major. Let Teyla look you over, that's an order, Major."

"Yes, sir," Lorne crisply agreed. Finding a boulder, he claimed a seat, unclipped his MP90 and unzipped his vest trying to appear as compliant as possible. Teyla wasn't fooled.

"I will be quick," she knowingly assured him, knew the Major's worry was for Sheppard, like all of theirs was. Lifting his shirt up, she gently prodded his ribs, noted when he minutely flinched before circling around, checking his back which was already sporting the beginning of a deep bruise. "I know Dr. Becket has instructed us to not wrap injured ribs unless mobility is a necessity to survival. In this case, I think it best to wrap your ribs. The way to the gate will be strenuous and you could sustain further injury to your ribs without the binding to keep them from moving."

Lorne, however, didn't want any supplies to be wasted on him, especially not bandages that, more than likely, the Colonel would need before they could get him home. "No. That wouldn't be necessary."

"But Major I think…" Teyla tried to sway him but Lorne sharply retorted. "I said no."

"As you wish," she stiffly relented and yet still used gentleness when she resettled his shirt down.

Feeling like a heel, Evan grabbed Teyla's arm before she walked away. "I appreciate your concern, I do but I am alright." Then he relented, honestly confessed his fear, "I'm afraid the colonel might need those bandages."

Teyla wanted to refute the Major's prediction but couldn't, felt that growing dread as well. "How long ago was his injured?"

"About two hours," Lorne estimated, saw Teyla making the calculations in her head for how quickly John had lost blood. "The clotting powder didn't have much chance to work because we needed to keep on the move then when the beasts, the stivers, gained ground on us. We had no choice but to stand and fight."

Sensing the other man thought he needed to justify his actions, Teyla put a hand on his shoulder, "Major we are not questioning your decisions or assigning blame to you for Colonel Sheppard's injuries."

Not wanting to get into why he couldn't accept her free pass, Lorne instead commanded, "We should head out if you think the Colonel can be moved."

"He will be in pain but I have done what I could for his wounds." And there was a helpless tone in her words but she didn't seek his encouragement, simply turned back to Sheppard's side. Crouching down, she pulled out some pills from the first aid packet and met John's gaze. "I have some pills to help with the pain," then exchanging a look with Ronon, the Satedan raised John's head as she dropped the pills in John's mouth then Ronon helped John drink from his canteen. All the while, John made no protest and there wasn't any one of them that thought that was a reassuring reaction from Colonel John Sheppard.

Rodney said it best as he muttered, "Oh crap," as he watched his stubborn friend compliantly let himself be drugged while they were on a mission, with possible danger lurking around the corner. Something John would never do unless….he was in unmeasurable pain and nearly at his physical limit. It made Rodney reach out and settle his hand on John's uninjured shoulder in concern and support for the wounded man.

"I'm sorry, Sheppard, but we have to keep moving," Ronon somberly pointed out to which John nodded his head, before he swallowed, found the strength for words, "I know. I'm gonna need help up." And that was another red flag in Rodney's book: Sheppard asking for help.

Slipping back from John's side, Teyla watched as Rodney took up her position then he and Ronon levered John slowly to a stand, a shaky one but they were instantly wrapping their arms around John's waist and settling him between them so close that she knew they intended to take all of John's weight if need be. But John still had stubbornness in him, got his feet planted on the ground, his knees locked and managed to stand between his two teammates, meeting her questioning worried gaze, he nodded, gave her permission to lead away.

Nodding back to John, Teyla took point, fought to not look worriedly over her shoulder as she heard the movement of the three men behind her, knew Lorne was guarding them from the rear. She set out, knowing they were heading in the correct direction, that if she remained on course they would reach the cliff where they had descended but in all honesty, she hoped another way up the cliff presented itself because maneuvering John up the cliff by the vines as grievously injured as he was seemed like it should be their last resort, not their only option to getting John home. But then again, how many of their missions required them to count on last resort measures for their survival?! Too many for Teyla to want to count, seemed too much to think this time would be any different.

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TBC

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See again no cliffie. I can be kind, rarely.

My love to all my wonderfully kind supportive reviewers, those signed and including Guest 64, Guest, ShepFan, fs440! Reading your thoughts makes my day!

And a shout out to Guest 64: It was such an honor that I could make your day look up. It's actually one of the reasons I get up the nerve to post here…hoping that my little stories just might make someone smile.

Have a great day!

Cheryl


	7. Vacation Day Blues

Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

Author's Note: Sorry this posting is late. RL got me a bit down but I'm thinking torturing John will cheer me up!

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Chapter 7: Vacation Day Blues

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Sheppard's silence was unnerving Rodney. Yes, he got the man was injured, had seen it with his own eyes, that he was using all his meager energies on attempting to do more than be dead weight in he and Ronon's arms but Sheppard hadn't spoken since their little break an hour ago. More importantly, hadn't told Rodney to shut up his nervous ramblings. And that wasn't normal behavior for John Sheppard and Rodney feared what that meant. Was probably why he was trying so very hard to get a verbal reaction from the man, to reassure himself that Sheppard wasn't really that injured, that they weren't killing him dragging him across the downed tree trunk and underbrush of this stupid planet.

"I gotta say, when you pick a vacation spot, it's a dozy, Colonel?! Course you didn't know Lorne would be coming here when you requested this day off a few months ago, guess it's just happenstance that it's so relaxing," he taunted, really wanted to know why Sheppard had asked for the day off, more importantly, why he had skipped out of Atlantis on this "holiday" without a peep to anyone, not Elizabeth, not his fellow military officers, not his team and not even Rodney.

Even drugged and sluggish with fever and pain, John didn't miss the petulant element to McKay's tone. Sparing a look away from the woods ahead, he looked to McKay, drawled, "Who says I was going for relaxing? This is so more memorable than getting a tan on the mainland," purposefully not giving McKay the answer he knew his friend was searching for.

"The Mainland, that's your version of a getaway? Wow, you're a cheap date, Sheppard." His acidic tone telling Sheppard Rodney didn't believe his real vacation day destination had been the mainland.

But it was Major Lorne who made the next comeback, as he paced closer to the three men, his words directed at his superior. "Wait, vacation day? You asked for this day off and then came along on a supposedly boring resupply mission with me?"

John didn't reply but Rodney hardly noticed as he continued his diatribe. "See, even Major Lorne smells something's off with this whole scenario."

"Oh thanks for the backhanded insult," Evan muttered under his breath at McKay's insulting inclusion of him into the conversation.

Rodney simply ignored the Major's snide remark, was too set on grilling Sheppard for answers…only to get the man to be more lively, less likely to die, of course. "And even if you did plan on sunbathing, it doesn't explain why you didn't tell any of us your whereabouts, just vanished, went AWOL, stowed away on the Major's mission like some runaway teenager." Rodney was really warming up to his topic, part of him knowing his anger and frustration and his still underlying hurt and, yes, remembered panic, were peeking through his interrogation now.

Reacting to Rodney's insulting take on things, John rumbled back, "Actually the vacation day thing was just perfect unplanned timing."

Wanting more from Sheppard than his normal keep outs, McKay demanded, "Perfect unplanned timing…to what? Ditch us?! Play Michael Douglas to the Major's Val Kilmer."

"What?! I'm not Douglas," Sheppard fired back, while Lorne smugly got in his "Told you, sir."

"Major, shut up," John commanded, didn't have to see Lorne to know the man was fighting back a smirk when he obediently reacted with a "Yes sir." Hoped the subject was dropped but then the last person who ever asked him to talk about his feelings entered the round of questioning.

"I get needing the day off for …whatever personal reasons," Ronon allowed, didn't need John to tell him why but that fear of not knowing where Sheppard was for most of the day, fearing the worst, fearing…well, him being hurt, so _this_ , it didn't settle well with him. Not when he thought he should have been able to do something before this, before Sheppard got hurt, might have if he had known, been trusted enough to know where John was. "Doesn't explain why you didn't talk to any of us about you taking the day off, you didn't tell any of us where you were going?" Then he looked to Sheppard, wanted to read the man's expression, which honestly usually gave away little but when the man's words were all smoke screens it was sometimes all Ronon had to go on.

Scowling at the cross examination from the unexpected source, John bit out, "Vacation day means I don't have to get anyone's _permission_ to go wherever I want to and I'm not available to anyone's _beck and call_."

Not able to keep her silence, Teyla stopped her progress and turned around, faced her leader, tried to lessen the rising tension. "We do not mean to …reprimand you, John. We were….worried when none of us knew where you were."

"Afraid I was off murdering more Genii I shouldn't be?" John snapped, eyes daring Teyla to deny her mistrust in him, her disapproval of how he handled the whole Kolya thing. She stiffened as if Sheppard had shocked her to her core and the there was a terse silence blanketing the entire group.

Again it was McKay who couldn't allow silence to reign. "What's that supposed to mean?!"

A beat later, Teyla began, her voice tremulous and her features deeply troubled, "Colonel if this is about me stopping you from…"

"Enough!" John's outburst cut across Teyla's words, caused a heavy soundlessness to drop over the group. And John felt a twinge of guilt for his anger but along with it came a swell of satisfaction at having finally nipped the conversation in the bud. Hoping to deter any attempts to revisit it, he petulantly grumbled, "It's my vacation day today and I get to decide what we do and do not talk about."

"Very mature, very eight years old of you, Colonel," McKay testily retorted.

"Zip it, McKay," John barked at his friend. "Maybe you didn't know it but this hasn't been a great day for me. I'm been bitten and clawed and rolled over on by a lion thing with spikes all while falling down a cliff. So keep your snarky comments to yourself, Rodney, I'm really not in the mood. Now can we please keep moving so I can get out of this Grimm tale?!"

With resignation, the troupe started their journey again, all left to contemplate silently to themselves. But for their part, Rodney, Ronon and Teyla all separately came to the same realization that their last mission did play a part in why John left Atlantis without a word, especially to them. It was an unsettling revelation and when McKay opened his mouth to demand answers from John, Ronon seemed to know his mind because he shook his head and McKay dejectedly remained mute.

Meanwhile, Lorne had to bite his tongue to not intervene. If the Colonel didn't want to tell his team that he thought they didn't trust him, disapproved of his actions with Kolya, wouldn't miss him and wonder where he was today…he had to let it stand. He had disobeyed more of Sheppard's orders today than he had any officer before but he knew there were limits on how far he could push that line. Revealing a private conversation he had had with his superior about something so rare, John's emotions, would not only be grounds for heavy reprimands, a breeching of the Colonel's trust in him but also a pretty underhanded thing to do to a friend, even if he had good intentions. So he too remained silent as they trudged forward but felt a keen void without his and Sheppard bantering away about movies and snarking at each other's plans or lack of plans. And if he felt that painful exclusion after only one day with John, he couldn't imagine what the Colonel's teammates were feeling in the oppressive verbal lockdown.

He was being a royal jerk, John got that. Could feel the tension in his traveling companions and knew it was entirely his fault. Here he was ripping them new ones when they were here, all of them, trying to save his stupid mauled butt. And they shouldn't be, none of them. If he had handled things better, he and Evan wouldn't have gotten cornered by the stupid beasts…stiver things. And his team, they weren't supposed to even be on this planet, were supposed to be on Atlantis, rejoicing they didn't have to spend time with their suicidal, cocky, reckless, cold-blooded team leader. It was all wrong and he was at the center of it. And he was being an ungrateful jackass.

"I took the day off to remember a friend," John quietly announced because he owed them some honesty, to stop shutting them out, to trust them with something harder for him to share than some snarky comments and snarled 'mind your own business' insinuations. He felt Rodney stiffen beside him as they trudged forward even as Ronon's arm around his waist slacked a bit, gentled. But the Satedan's fingers coiled into John's shirt when John continued, "Four years ago today, Captain Trevor Holland died."

From her position in the lead, Teyla sympathetically closed her eyes momentarily at the man's name before opening them and drawing in a steading breath before posing to John. "This was the man in the desert with you," she stated, remembered John calling her Holland under the Wraith's mind control, had hated the shame and grief in John's eyes when she asked if the man had lived and John said he had not.

Ronon was putting his own pieces together. Gently posed, "He's the friend you risked your career to try and rescue."

John simply nodded before he hoarsely chided, "Tried and failed."

Rodney knew he wasn't good at the comfort thing, had once thought he wasn't good with feelings at all but John Sheppard's friendship had changed all that. He had come to realize that he did feel emotions, sometimes too much. Like now. Felt grief for John's loss and helplessness for not knowing how to ease his friend's pain and shame that he didn't know why this day was important to John. Instead interrogated Sheppard like he had a right to intrude on this day, what it meant to Sheppard. "Sheppard, I'm….sorry…if I had known…It was none of my business and I …"

"I know," John forgivingly cut across Rodney's stammer, shot his friend a wane smile. And he did know, that he should have trusted Rodney with this information before, all of his teammates. That they wouldn't have exploited his grief, would have shared in it and tried their best to lessen it. And maybe that was the point, he didn't want it lessened, didn't want it divvied up, wanted all the pain, the shame, the blame for himself. Still hadn't gotten over it being about him, when he was struggling so hard to make sure it wasn't about him, was about Trevor Holland's life.

Evan had heard rumors about the black mark in John Sheppard's file, something that had bordered on a court-martial, had sentenced him to the cold hell of Antarctica before he was miraculously given a promotion and assigned military commander of the Atlantis project. Not one to walk into things blindly, Evan had done his own 'debriefing' of John Sheppard before he agreed to be his second in command, hadn't gone to the gossipers but to those who he knew worked with Sheppard before. And what they had to say about Sheppard, it didn't hold a candle to any rumored wrong the Colonel had done. Some had even indicated that Sheppard's black mark, it was something to respect the man for, regardless of what the big wigs had to say.

With those ringing endorsements, Evan had signed on to the Atlantis project and he didn't think he had ever made a better career move in his life. Sheppard was what the others said and so much more. Never before had Evan claimed the whole glorified 'follow him to hell and back' loyalty he had thought was nice PR for the armed forces. That was until he saw that the Colonel would willingly do that for him, for his men, for his team, for Atlantis. On a daily basis if need be. Sheppard had done it today, _for him_ , when he tackled that alpha stiver before it pounced on him.

It hadn't even been a thing Evan had to think about when he did the same to the runner up Alpha, stood in its path so it couldn't get to Sheppard. Ok, he had failed but the gesture was there, was the 'follow him to hell and back' but more than that. Was the 'I'll go to hell so he wouldn't have to make the journey' determination. That was the type of loyalty Colonel John Sheppard stirred in him, in anyone who actually saw him in action, had the privilege of fighting at his side. And now, the alluding details to that black mark on Sheppard's record, it just made perfect sense to Evan. The rescue hadn't been green lighted, John had gone to try and save his friend against orders. Had done the right thing no matter the consequences to himself. The gesture was such a "John Sheppard" thing that Evan thought he should have figured it out long before this.

"Before I accepted this posting, I talked to some guys that worked with you before," Evan began saw the stiffening in John's back and knew the man didn't know what to expect, thought somehow his former co-workers would speak ill of him?! "They couldn't tell me details about your missions but what they did say was, if I ever got into a crapstorm of trouble, there wasn't anyone better to have coming for me than John Sheppard."

A true smile graced John's lips, there was one man he knew who liked to throw the word "crapstorm" into conversations. "Let me guess. That's a direct quote from Dan Winston?"

Evan smirked, should have known Sheppard would know exactly who had said that to him. "Quote is Winston's, the sentiments were matched by everyone I talked to about you. I wouldn't have signed on to be your Second if I didn't have good reason to trust in you, sir."

"Didn't know you listened to gossip, Major," John taunted even as he felt gratitude swell for Winston, for the others the Major had talked to and for Evan himself for believing them, choosing this post.

"Listen to gossip? No," Evan refuted before he tacked on, "Take as truth high praise from men whose lives were in your hands, yes, sir, that I do."

"Stop, you're making me blush," John kidded but Evan knew that was his CO's way of saying thank you to him.

"Maybe you didn't save your friend but you risked your life, your career trying to," Ronon pointed out, needed John to not belittle that. "And he didn't die alone and that means more than you know. Take it from someone who had to spend seven years running, knowing there was no one fighting at my side, fighting for me…that when I died, it would be alone, not a soul to mourn me. You changed that for me…and for your friend Holland. I wouldn't call that something to be ashamed of."

"I just wish…" but John broke off, had told himself this day of memorial wasn't about could have beens. "Trevor was one of my best friends, just wanted to honor his life…not …"

"Just remember his death," Evan reverently finished, had lost some friends in Iraq and Afghanistan too, enough to understand what John was seeking to do for his friend. "I understand, John."

Meeting Sheppard's eyes, Ronon let the fellow soldier know that they were alike in this need, this desire to pay their respects to those they had lost. "I understand too. On Satedan, we would have a day of remembrance. We would share our best stories of those who we had lost."

"You know that we burn candles to send good wishes to our dead," Teyla imparted, though she knew John already knew that, had joined her when she was grieving a loss.

"We tell those stories at family reunions sometimes," Rodney supplied.

"So Holland, why did he think picking you as a friend was a good idea?" Ronon made sure to put enough sarcasm into his question so that John could easily select a lighthearted story of his friend instead of something that might be hurtful to John.

John felt amusement, not grief spark at the answer to Ronon's question. "He actually thought it was a terrible idea to get attached to me. Probably why he only called me Major and sir the first six months we flew together. But then a mission went FUBAR but we got out of it in one piece and then he finally had to admit he thought I was awesome."

"Yeah I'm sure," Rodney snarked.

But Teyla prodded, "I do not understand. Why did he think he should not "get attached" to you?"

John smirked as his memories resurfaced. "These were his words, not mine: "Figured no use getting to like a guy that'll either be moving up the ranks and transferred out of the unit the next month or who'll get his tail rotars blown away on some kamikaze mission anyone with half a brain would pass on but you." But John's smile turned bittersweet, "Course he was kinda right…I did get my tail rotor shot…going after him."

"So he knew you pretty well, huh? And still didn't run for the hills?" McKay taunted, hoped it somehow eased John's pain.

With a warm smile, John shook his head, "No, he was either my co-pilot or wingman on most of those kamikaze missions he was so worried about that I'll take."

"Sounds like a man I would have liked," Ronon declared, glad John had had someone watching his back long before they met.

"Yeah, you would have liked him. Everyone did." There was a mixture of pride, affection and sorrow in John's tone.

"When we get back home, we'll drink a toast to him," Evan suggested to which John nodded in agreement.

Silence reigned as they continued to navigate the forest and Evan wanted to point out to John that he had friends here, now, who willingly joined him on his kamikaze missions, who hadn't meant to sound judgmental for what he had done with Koyla. Evan knew, had he been there to witness Sheppard's gunfight with Koyla, that it would have scared the crap out of him, knowing that John could have lost his life doing it that way. So he couldn't fault John's teammates for feeling that fear, reacting to it like they had. But now was not the time to hash any of that out. There had been enough of an emotional toll on Sheppard already, on top of his physical trauma. It would all have to keep until later, when they were home and John was on the road to recovery. Hopefully then Sheppard would be reasonable and see that his team's responses to his showdown with Koyla weren't about a lack of trust but their down right fear of losing him.

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Legs barely working, John had tried to aid the movement but knew he was an anchor to the two men trying to help him through the forest. Luckily there had been no roars or indications that the stivers had friends now taking up pursuit but there was life in the woods that John decidedly didn't trust. What Ronon said seemed valid: where one predator made its home so did others.

So John didn't request a break, bit down on his lip so he didn't cry out in agony when Ronon picked him in his arms and maneuvered him over a big downed tree trunk in their path like he was a kid before gently resettling his feet on the ground. Turned his head to his shoulder to try and wipe away the stinging sweat getting into his eyes, he almost jumped when Rodney realized his trouble and used his hand to swipe the sweat from his forehead and swept his hand through his sweat drenched hair, pushing it back off his forehead.

He didn't offer up a prideful protest when Ronon held the water canteen to his lips for him to drink while they kept moving, just took a long pull on the canteen and nodded his thanks. Didn't exactly appreciate McKay shoving half of a bland power bar into his mouth but chewed it down anyway. Beggars could not be choosey.

Then the dreaded encounter came and Teyla raised her hand and brought the group to a halt. An animal similar to a black bear was fifty yards ahead of them, sniffing the air, watching them. Everyone capable of holding a gun had it pointed at the beast, meaning everyone but John was prepared to blow the animal to kingdom come. Everyone startled as Lorne fired his .45 in the air but the gun shot was enough for the bear like animal to give up the idea of attacking and lumber back the way it had come. At least for the moment.

All members of the excursion breathed a sigh of relief and then pressed forward, knowing that the sun was going down, that twilight was only three hours away, maybe less. John felt his head dip down and jerked it back up as they moved but it was too exhausting, his head too heavy. So he bowed his head, let his chin rest on his chest, knew that he wasn't needed to play navigator, had to just keep moving his feet, though that was becoming harder and harder. Pain radiated from his shoulder, his chest, his side, his head, even his freaking face where the underbrush he and Evan had hid in earlier in the day had scratched him. Every nerve ending was blazing with pain. And then there was the sensation of burning up, of heat he couldn't escape because it burned inside him with the fever.

All in all, he was miserable. But he wasn't alone. Lorne had stayed with him when it meant his death to do it and his team had come for him, were with him now. So the least he could do was suck it up and not make things any harder on the rest of them by whining about how crappy he felt. It wasn't a day of sun, surf and sand for any of them.

From his position behind Sheppard, Lorne noted when the man could no longer keep his head up, felt renewed concern flare when his stubborn CO hung his head. And he was about to offer to take over for McKay or Ronon to help bare the Colonel's weight when he watched the silent exchange between the two men over Sheppard's head, read their concern easily but it was their determination to get Sheppard home that spoke volumes. As did their simultaneously positioning even closer to John, taking on seemingly more of the Colonel's weight if not all of it. No, they would not relinquish John's wellbeing to him. ' _Yeah, like I've given them reason to trust me to keep him safe,'_ Evan berated himself, knew John's teammates had every right to hold him accountable for the Colonel's present condition.

In frustration, Teyla found as they traveled no other suitable passageway up the cliff face, was starting to resign herself to the fact that the way they had come down was the only viable way to go up. Didn't know if they should chance passing by that point and looking for an easier way to ascend the mountainside but with a fleeting look back over her shoulder to John, whose head was slumped forward and was barely able to move his feet, she worried that every minute was precious, had to not be wasted in getting John back to Atlantis, to medical aid.

The vines were still dangling down the cliff face where they had left them and Rodney didn't know if that was the good news or the bad. He had hated going down them and now he was expected to trust them to hold his weight as he climbed up them when rope climbing had never been his thing?! Had sucked at it in gym class all those years ago?! But then he thought of Sheppard, how the wounded man would make the climb and felt guilty for thinking of only himself a moment ago.

"Let's put him down over there," Ronon commanded, jerking his chin toward a boulder.

Complying, Rodney redirected his path as he kept a tight grip on the too quiet man held between he and Ronon. Carefully they lowered Sheppard to the ground and rested his back against the boulder. The motion seemed to rouse the Colonel from his stupor and he raised his head, blinked blurrily at his two friends' worried faces. Having zoned out, John wasn't sure what was happening, didn't have to guess as Ronon helpfully supplied him with a sit rep.

"We're at the spot we repelled down the mountain. There doesn't seem to be an easier way to get to the top, not this direction anyway," Ronon imparted, a tinge of apology in his tone for what was ahead for his injured friend.

John simply nodded his head but he couldn't put the pieces together, was a little foggy on the mechanics of getting up the mountain. But Rodney put it into a clearer picture for him.

"By repel he means we used vines as iffy ropes to get down, fearing they would snap at any given moment. As for going back up, there's no harnesses, no counterweights, no pulley system. How they expect you to be able to climb up or, me, for that matter, is just ludicrous. You can't walk, there's no way you can shimmy up a rope," this last he scathingly directed at Ronon.

John mustered up some bravado. "I'll do it, just give me a minute to rest here."

"Oh, right, the mauled guy is fine to climb a mountain. Why don't I believe that?!" Rodney shot back, reaching out to lay his hand on Sheppard's shoulder before the fool tried to get up and do as he bragged he could do.

Lorne meanwhile was inspecting the vines, gave a good pull on one and turned to Teyla who was at his side. "Impressively ingenious really."

"Yes but Rodney is right. How do we get the Colonel up to the top?" Teyla voiced her concerns.

"I'll carry him," Ronon proclaimed as he joined them by the mountain face.

"What? Piggy back? Fireman's carry? Either way it's hardly possible and then we have to consider the extra weight on the vines might be too much," Evan pointed out, had a mental picture of Ronon and Sheppard falling to their deaths.

"They will hold," Ronon insisted before he let his trepidation show, "They have to. He can't climb on his own."

"Maybe we can devise a harness…" Lorne theorized but it was another voice that provided an answer.

"Already have a harness," Sheppard used some of his strength to project his voice to his huddled friends' location. And yes, his suggestion ran contrary to his boast moments before but he had had to admit , if only to himself in the last few minutes, that climbing wasn't one of his available skill sets at that time. What with the shoulder the striver gnawed on and the claw slashes across his torso, reaching his arms over his head again and again ascending a rope just wasn't happening. As his three friends turned to him he was grateful they drew closer, that he wasn't required to maintain that volume of voice. "My tac vest will do," he said, tapping his vest with his hand that Evan and then Teyla thankfully didn't discard, knew it was acting as a pressure on his wounds if not a great protection against stivers' teeth and claws.

Getting the point, McKay nodded, "Yes, its design actually helps to balance weight. We just need to somehow tie a vine to it. Then someone can pull him up from their position at the top of the mountain." Here he looked to the most likely candidate for that he-man manual labor: Ronon.

Evan quickly strategized, "And I can pace the Colonel up the rock face."

Crouching down to meet John's eyes levelly, Teyla carefully asked of her leader, "Are you sure we should do this, John? The pain will be great." Fearing what the strain on his wounds, not to mention his entire abused body, would cost John.

"Yeah, well, I think our options are limited because I don't think they are installing an escalator any time soon," John cracked a joke, trying to ease the tension in the gathered group.

But Ronon's features were serious as he crouched down beside Teyla, his eyes holding John's, "None of us like the idea of putting you in more pain."

Seeking to alleviate any guilt Ronon might be harboring for the plan, John used his command voice to decree, "Like you said, only one way up. So let's get to it." A beat later, Ronon gave John's knee a squeeze and then crossed over to the vines and started the climb. Made it look easy and John's stomach churned because he knew it wouldn't be for him. But he swore, right then and there, to not let a chirp of pain escape no matter how painful the ascent trip to the top happened to be. He didn't want an ounce of guilt fostered in his team's conscience for things out of their control.

All eyes watched Ronon complete the climb. There was a ripple of held breaths being released in relief when he made it safely over the lip of the cliff. Then Ronon popped his head over the ledge, called down, "Let me get some leverage set up," then he was pulling up the vine he had climbed.

Rodney imagined Ronon wrapping the vine around a tree trunk, hoped he calculated how much vine length they would need to still reach the bottom of the mountainside. Doing calculations in his head was better than contemplating his own time to climb the rope, or worst still, John's. The Major broke into his distraction as he assigned, "Teyla, you and I will flank the Colonel and the Doc will stay down here to watch for any signs of stress on the vines, crumbling rockface or redirect us around any trouble areas."

Rodney's voice cracked as he exclaimed, "Me?! Last to go?! Stuck down here, alone?!"

"Upside is, once we get the colonel at the top, we might offer to pull you up too instead of making you climb," Evan offered with a snarky smirk.

"Really?" McKay asked not sure if the Major's offer was a joke or genuine. "Because that would be great but…it won't be like that time my parents forgot to come get me after the science fair, right? It was humiliating to stand out there in the rain holding my first place trophy while everyone else left with their parents. I got soaked and my trophy, some of the writing smeared and my name got…."

"Don't worry, Rodney, I won't let them leave you behind," John vowed, even as he caught Lorne's undertoned, "Too bad he can't use his first place winning genius to get us out of here another way."

"I heard that! It's not like this is my expertise. You and Sheppard and Ronon are the Tarzan wannna bes," Rodney snapped back.

"Major, Rodney we are all stressed but we all have John's best interest at heart," Teyla intercepted. Both men solemnly nodded in agreement like errant school boys. "Yes, good. Then look, Ronon has thrown down the vine so it is time for us to help John home."

"Home has a nice ring to it," John murmured then he gave a nod to Lorne and the Major and Teyla helped him up and to cross the distance to the vine even as Ronon called down, "All set up here."

Rodney noted that Ronon had done the calculations correctly, had allowed for the vine's length to extend a few feet on the ground. Then he stuck his chin practically on the Major's shoulder as he closely watched Lorne work to weave the vine through Sheppard's tac vest before tying a knot in the creeper plant.

"Don't you think a bowline knot would be better?" McKay second guessed the Major's choice.

"No. Figure eight on a Bright is stronger than a bowline," Lorne countered, tugging on the knot of the vine and ensuring it was secure. Neither man noted how hard John clenched his jaw as Evan pulled the knot tight, too caught up in their verbal battle.

Rodney still was set on protesting. "But I heard…."

"Heard from where? Your fellow K2 climbers?" Evan bitterly countered but when John reached out, laid his hand on his, he felt a tinge of shame not only at his superior's reprimanding look but the crease of pain in John's features. Silently Evan cursed himself for getting caught up in a competition with McKay when John was hurt, didn't need this pettiness, didn't want this tension between his second in command and his teammate. Reminding himself that John knew McKay way better than he did, had patience for the man's ego…and more than that, saw through his boasting to the mother hen worrier McKay sometimes miraculously turned into when it came to Sheppard, Evan nodded to John. Then turning to face McKay, he amended his tone from hostile to reassuring, after all they both wanted what was best for John. "Look Doc, I've done some climbing and this knot will hold." Seeing McKay opening his mouth, he inserted, "And Teyla and I will be right there with him and you'll be monitoring things from here."

Closing his mouth, Rodney gave a nod but he didn't appear all that reassured. Then he stepped forward, wrapped his arm around John's waist as the man leaned against the mountain side. Meanwhile Teyla and the Major reconvened back to the rock John had leaned against and started to reposition their weapons and gear to make climbing easier. "For the record, I don't like any of this," Rodney told Sheppard.

"Got that. Not like I'm thrilled either, Rodney. Getting mauled and then being jerked up a mountainside wasn't on my to-do list today," John snarkily admitted, watching as Lorne and Teyla had a quiet little meeting probably speculating if he was going to pass out midway up the mountain. Which, as much as John's pride wanted to deny, his body was giving him iffy levels of confidence they weren't wrong. When Rodney began speaking with an accusatory tone, it might not have snagged his attention as censure wasn't all that unusual coming from the man, but McKay's words did have John's head snapping back to the man helping him stay vertical.

"Maybe none of this would have happened if you hadn't gone on this mission, alone, without telling anyone," Rodney bit out, having done the calculations again and again in his head of how they had ended up here, depending on vines to climb a mountainside and John grievously injured.

"I wasn't alone," John shot back before testily defending himself further. "And it was a simple supply mission and, last I checked, you weren't my father or my superior officer."

"Well I'm your friend, maybe that doesn't matter, though," Rodney instantly countered, even as he spoke, he hoped John denied his implications, defended what their friendship meant to him. "Think you don't have to tell me anything at all."

Taking offence to McKay again lecturing him for the second day in a row, John growled, "I don't have to justify my actions to you, no."

Rodney stiffened before his analytical mind kicked in, had him ask, "We talking about today…or with Koyla?"

"Both," John bad temperedly answered, saw Rodney's face contort in hurt before flickering over to remorse.

"John, listen…"

But John ruthlessly cut off whatever McKay was about to say. "I'm not in the mood for another 'how stupid I was' lecture, Rodney." Mercifully, Lorne and Teyla timed their return at that moment, dead ending his conversation with Rodney.

Resting her hand on John's uninjured shoulder, Teyla earnestly questioned, "Are you ready, John?" unhidden worry in her expression.

"I'm ready to leave this planet, so yeah, I'm ready," John confirmed, though he was already dreading the pain to come. Accepting John's declaration, Teyla nodded and went to her vine. Lorne rechecked the knot in the vine on John's vest, as he instructed, "Now let Ronon do all the work and if you get snagged, just hold your position until Teyla and I can get there to free you up. You need a break…"

"I'll ask for a hall pass," John quipped, trying to downgrade the tension in everyone.

But Lorne's eyes remained serious as they stayed locked on him. "I don't care how slow we go at this, how many breaks you want to take. We all just want to cause you as little pain as possible."

"Nightfall, Major. It's kind of a ticking clock for us right now," John reminded, appreciated Lorne's attempt to baby him but they didn't have that luxury.

Surprisingly, Lorne smirked in response, drawled teasingly, "Ah, yeah, that's right, Michael Douglas' character bought it at night. Can see why you're a little night time phobia to still be in the scary woods."

"Am not," John petulantly denied but Lorne only chuckled. "I'm not. Ronon said…other predators…and …"

"Sure, sir, totally believe you," Evan patronized but he saw the 'thank you' in John's eyes for the lighthearted moment. Then he moved over to his own vine, got a good two handed grip on it and then called up to Ronon, "Ronon, start to pull him up." Knew he didn't need to say carefully or give further details because he knew that Ronon would do everything in his power to not bring more harm to Sheppard.

Reluctantly, Rodney released John when the vine tethering the man to Ronon moved, inching the Colonel up the mountain. Wished he had had time to offer his apology after their heated words, just hoped John gave him the chance later.

When the vine's tension tightened and John found himself pulled off the ground, albeit slowly and gently, it felt like his tac vest had been turned into a torturous tourniquet intent on compressing his chest and ribs into crumbled bits and someone was digging their fingers into every open wound he had. Drawing in a sharp breath, he slammed his eyes shut, and willed himself to not pass out.

Apprehensively watching John like a hawk, Rodney heard the man's intake of breath, the way he squeezed his eyes closed, the complete draining of whatever wane color was in his face. Quickly stepping forward, Rodney had to reach up to touch John's leg but did it as he fearfully inquired, "John?!"

Eyes still closed, John huskily replied to the alarm in Rodney's tone, "I'm good, McKay," then forced himself to open his eyes, get his hands out to the rockface so he didn't scrape his way to the top. Heard McKay grumble, "Yeah, sure, you're always good when you're definitely not," but then he was lifted higher and McKay's hand slide off his leg as he got out of the man's reach.

John didn't think Ronon would haul a _baby_ up this ascent as slow as he was hauling him. Felt partially embarrassed, frustrated and grateful for the man's care, as he did for the mother hen shadows on his left and right that were Teyla and Lorne shadowing his "climb" via their own vines. As for John, he was drenched in sweat, ok, even more drenched in sweat than he had been, his arms trembled and that was not him even lifting them, only reaching them to the rockface. He had thought about using his legs to push off the wall but knew any additional jostling of his body would not be a good thing. Didn't mention it to anyone that he felt his shoulder oozing blood, the bite punctures not liking the tac vest/harness idea one bit.

Instead he remained silent with guilty shame as Ronon did all the work hauling his pathetic butt up the mountain, Teyla and Evan keeping more eyes on him than their own dangerous vine climbing campaign. John was thinking he should call for a break, for Ronon's sake more than his own, let the man maybe tie off the vine, get a breather. Tilting his head, he stared up the craggy surface of the mountain, knowing Ronon was there at the top, doing for him what he couldn't do for himself, without compliant. Because no matter how much Ronon disapproved of his actions with Kolya yesterday, Ronon was still fervently loyal to him, they all were: Rodney, Teyla, Evan. Whether he deserved it or not.

It was about the time of that contented thought when his vine snapped two feet above him and he found himself free falling.

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TBC

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What?! CLiffie…I mean real _real_ cliffie?! Me?! Of course I did that to you all! I'm just that mean spirited! And John's not the only one I apparently like torturing!

And Ok, yes, their hands would be sliced up by climbing the vines but let's forget that bit of reality. After all I didn't want to maim the whole team…well I did but that's for another evil story plot.

Until next time!

Cheryl W.


	8. Destiny

Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

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Chapter 8: Destiny

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Ronon had his feet braced a few feet from the cliff's edge, vine tightly gripped in both his hands as he levered Sheppard's weight up the mountainside, found from one second to the next that he was staggering backwards, as the weight he bore inexplicably and ominously vanished. Losing his footing totally, he came crashing down onto the forest floor. Heart pounding in his chest with dread, Ronon began urgently crawling on all fours to the cliff edge even as he heard Rodney's terrified scream of "Sheppard?!"

Even as Rodney screamed his friend's name, he ran for the bottom of the cliff, as if he could catch the falling man. He contemplated trying even if his attempt only softened John's fall, broke every bone in his own body doing it. If he saved Sheppard from dying, he'd call it worth it. But then John Sheppard did his usual stubborn, miraculous save, I'm-too-stubborn-to-die thing and his scrabbling hand found a hand hold on the rock face, brought his fall to a jarring but wonderful halt.

Only to lose his grip and resume his plummet seconds later.

Having done some climbing, even free solo climbing, John knew where to seek hand holds, course he didn't have to usually find them while falling! So his fingers scrapped along the sharp granite, desperately seeking purchase, found and lost one grip and then his opposite hand caught on a thin outcropping of ledge, smaller than a pencil circumference. But it held, course it had to be his right hand to coincide with his wounded, weakened, right shoulder. So there he was holding his entire weight on a trembling damaged arm, fiery agony racing from his shoulder to his hand, with a minuscule fingertip grip with only a nasty drop to look forward to if his muscle gave out on him or the rock face crumbled under his feeble hold. ' _Kolya is probably laughing his head off in the hereafter watching this_ ' ran though John's head as he hung there, one arm straining as his fingers dug into the small crevice while the rest of him dangled precariously fifty feet off the ground.

Ronon nearly dove over the cliff in his haste to see down the cliff, then watched in horror as John stopped his fall only to lose his grip. Fought to not close his eyes, wishing to not see his friend fall to his death but he forced himself to watch, to honor John's bravery to the last. Felt weak-kneed relief when John found another hand hold, hung there and stayed this time. Then Major Lorne was repelling fast to John's location, reached John and coiled an arm around John's waist. At the reassuring sight, Ronon forced himself to leave the cliff edge, to trust John's wellbeing to others as he sought another vine to replace the broken one.

At the bottom of the mountain, Rodney saw the same thing Ronon did and sank to his knees and tried to not be sick, to remember to breathe as he watched helplessly as others helped his friend. Knew things were still bad but marginally better now that Lorne had arrived at John's location.

Lorne repelled down the vine quicker than he ever had before even with a harness, desperate to reach Sheppard before he lost his second grip like he had his first. It seemed to take him too long but then he was even with Sheppard. Swinging his vine to gain John's side, he maintained a one handed grip on his own vine while he pressed John to the rock face with his own body and wrapped his other arm supportively around John's waist. "Grab my line," he ordered, breath heaving, heart thudding hard in his chest, his bruised ribs sending out waves of pain.

Evan behind him, pinning him to the rock face, gave John some stability but he knew he could just as easily knock them both off the mountainside. And Evan's idea, it was even more dangerous for Evan. Face pressed against the granite, right hand holding on its mercurial grip, left hand still trying to find a hand hold of its own and failing, John wheezed out, "Can't. One vine couldn't take…my weight… alone. Both our weights…will snap your vine …really quick."

"Damn it, Colonel! Stop being so thick headed and grab the vine!" Evan snarled, afraid what John's delay might cost them. More than they were willing to pay.

Then Teyla was on John's other side, her hand reaching out, getting a death grip on John's tac vest as if she would hold him from falling by sheer willpower if need be. "John! We are here! Please do as the Major suggested."

"Can't. We'll both fall," John refuted, too spent to lift his head from the granite wall and look Teyla's way.

"John, please!" Teyla beseeched, angling closer to her leader and friend, contemplating the actions required to tie her own vine to John's tac vest, but didn't know how to do that one handedly.

Then Ronon called from above, "Heads up, I'm throwing down another vine!" And his aim, thankfully, was very good, had the vine drop to the left of Teyla who pulled her grip from John to grab the vine and swing it to John's free left hand. Like a man in quicksand, John latched greedily onto the vine with his left hand but found himself hesitant to let go with his right hand, that tenuous grip forged from his own strength somehow felt more secure than the vine. But this wasn't about his capabilities, it was about him not having to rely solely on his own waning strength, about trusting others, like he counted on them to trust him, in situations like his Kolya showdown and this here and now. Trust had to run both ways or it wasn't really trust at all.

Letting his fingers slip from the cliff face should have jarred John but it didn't, not when Evan and Teyla were there on either side of him, risking their lives by taking on his weight until he could do it himself. His hand trembled as he coiled it around the vine above his left hand and held on tight. Knew this was just step one in the next phase of things but he was exhausted and the adrenaline pumping though his system was fading, was surprised he had any left to expend really.

"Looks like I'll have to take McKay's advice now and do his beloved bowline knot since I'm down to doing this one handed," Evan pretended to grumble but in truth, he was elated that John hadn't fallen, well, all the way, that John was there for him to tie a new vine **to.**

"I won't tell him…. if you don't," John managed to shakily quirk back, eyes meeting Evan's as the man came to his right side and was reaching for the new vine with his right hand.

"That's a deal," Evan agreed before he went silent, struggled to get the vine, which was decidedly harder to move around than a rope into the right direction and lopes, especially one handed, dangling from a vine with his other hand.

Meanwhile, Teyla had secured her arm around John's waist, took a moment to lean her head against John's cheek. "I feared we had lost you," her voice trembling and breathless.

"Thought I'd hang around a while longer," John joked, heard Teyla's chuckle and felt he did a good thing eliciting it from her, felt her head shift against his cheek as she nodded.

"Don't ever stop doing that John. None of us could bear if we truly lost you." Yes, they had had scares before of losing him, but today, when John fell…in that moment she envisioned what her life would be like, all of their lives, would be like without John in it. It was a bleak vision. One she wanted no part of.

Stunned by Teyla's emotional declaration, John didn't have a comeback, shot Evan an embarrassed look but his second in command apparently wasn't done trying to do heart to heart talks with him either. "What she said, sir." Then before John could think how to react to that, Evan announced, "Knot's tied."

"Ah… yeah… good," Sheppard stammered, watched as Teyla raised her head from his cheek but met his eyes as if she needed to know he had heard what she had said, took it in all the connotations it was meant. But he wasn't ready for that, said instead, "Someone tell Ronon I'm ready to go again." Saw a flicker of disappointment in Teyla's eyes but she obeyed his wishes.

"Ronon, Colonel Sheppard is secured on the new vine. You can start to pull him up again."

"Ok," came Ronon's disembodied voice to the three climbers and McKay at the base of the mountain. Then a beat of silence fell before Ronon's baritone drolly recommended, "Sheppard, remember to hold on this time."

"Funny," John huffed out at his big friend's humor. Turning to Lorne who was practically glued to his side now, he insisted, "Told ya, next Leno."

"I'm starting to see it more and more," Evan allowed then John was hoisted up and he made sure he kept exact pace this time, was only a millimeter away from reaching out to him, would not let the man fall again, hated that it had happened the first time. Saw Teyla was adopting the same protective tactics on John's other side.

It was slow going and Rodney couldn't help watching the progress with his heart in his throat. Didn't know he was practically hyperventilating until he started to feel lightheaded, had to talk himself into a calmer state. "Sheppard didn't fall, well, not to his death. They have a new, hopefully stronger vine tied to him and since the Major had to tie it one handed…" here he smiled gloatingly. "Bet it's a bowline like I suggested." But then his gloating morphed back to worry. "Course I have read that there's been accidents with bowlines recently. They attribute it to the complexity of the knot and the probability of human error in completing it properly. I should have made sure the Major knew how to tie the bowline before I ever suggested it. If that knot comes undone…" here he stopped himself because his breathing was becoming shallow all over again at the prospect of John falling and this time not catching himself.

Rodney was thinking of repeating mathematical equations to quiet his mind when he watched John disappear over the lip of the cliff onto safety. He again sank down hard on the ground this time on his butt in relief. Didn't think his glycose levels were liking all the spikes to his anxiety planes.

Though John was reaching for the stable ground of the top of the mountain to pull himself up and over, Lorne gave him an undignified boost on his butt to propel him to stable ground. Then John was on all fours on the top of the mountain, didn't think his trembling limbs could even hold that position. But he didn't have to worry if they didn't hold because Ronon was there, not helping him to his feet but pulling him to his knees and then into a surprisingly desperate manly hug.

"Stop scaring years off my life, Sheppard," Ronon huskily commanded of his friend, one hand coming to cup the back of John's neck while his other arm held John. Lately Ronon had experienced too many times when he had thought he had truly lost his best friend: When John had been sucked into the Sanctuary, the Wraith feeding, the Kolya gunfight, today when the man's weight vanished from the rope and Rodney screamed John's name. And he found he needed, _wanted_ , physical proof that his friend was whole, was not dead on the ground below like he feared when the line slackened, proof like an alive, uncomfortable John clutched in his arms.

"You don't get scared," John countered, not in defiance but puzzled correction, still not sure how this situation rated the Satedan hugging him but he put a hand on Ronon's back in a timid reciprocation of the man's affection.

Instead of being miffed at John's disbelief, Ronon laughed as he pulled back, but held John upright with grips on the man's shoulders. "You scare me on a daily basis, Sheppard." But then he mock whispered, "But that stays between the two us, ok?"

John numbly nodded, wasn't sure who had swapped out his stoic Satedan for this hearts and flowers guy. But before he could grill Ronon on security questions to see if he was the real Ronon, the man was using his considerable strength to carefully maneuver him back from the edge. Then Ronon was laying him onto the ground, even took the time to untangle his legs before gently lifting his head to tuck his jacket under it. "Rodney, don't forget Rodney," John reminded, wanted to do that before he passed out, though he knew they wouldn't forget one of their teammates any more than they had forgotten him on the many occasions he had gotten separated from his team.

"Don't worry, I'm sending my vine down for him now," Evan reassured his superior when, actually, the vine was already dangling near McKay's bowed head. Thought he'd have to shout down to get the man's attention but then the astrophysicist jerked to his feet, was hurriedly tying the vine to his own tac vest. Evan almost called down a warning to the doc in his haste to make sure he had the knot right but then he saw McKay slow down his motions, put true concentration into his rope/vine tying method. Then McKay called up, "I'm ready."

It wasn't nearly the nerve wracking experience it was with Sheppard. Namely because McKay could hold onto the rope, could actually climb up it if he had to, wasn't sporting injuries that were only exasperated by such maneuvers. When Lorne reached a hand out and pulled McKay to the top of the mountain, he expected a rambling tirade about how slow he had gotten McKay up there, that he should have secured the vine with a lever system. Instead, the man didn't even spare a moment for him, was instantly going to Sheppard's side where Teyla and Ronon were already stationed.

Teyla didn't need to remove John's tac vest to know his shoulder wound was bleeding again, the blood streaking down the front of the vest was entirely too much proof. Carefully she unzipped the vest and shifted it off his shoulder, her features became even grimmer at the soaked bandages not only at his shoulder but across his chest. She reached out to cup John's face, gently beckoned "John?" and the man's pain dulled eyes shifted from a forced focus of the sky overhead to her face. "You're bleeding again. I will need to change the bandages."

Swallowing hard so as to not do anything embarrassing like let out a moan of pain, he spoke when he had his reactions controlled, "How far's the gate?"

From his crouched position on Sheppard's left side, Ronon roughly reported, "Too far," self-recriminations in his tone. Wished he could pick John up and carry him to the gate, save his friend more pain and exertion but it was several miles and he knew he physically couldn't carry John that far, not in the planet's terrain, not with John bleeding so severely.

John gave a minute nod of his head, trusting Ronon's assessment. "'Kay. Guess we do the mummy thing again."

Teyla tilted her head in confusion, fearing John was delirious with pain and infectious fever. "Mommy? John, I do not…"

Having claimed a place to crouch down by John's legs, Rodney interjected, with sprinklings of scorn, amusement, and affection in his tone, "He's trying to be amusing. There are some movies about a scary dead creature wrapped entirely in bandages." Resting his hand on John's ankle as a way to connect with the man, he found himself touched that John used his strength to lift his head a little and look down his body's length to see him.

Letting his head fall back again to rest on Ronon's jacket, John taunted, "McKay, you're up here. Didn't hear any girly screaming as Lorne pulled you up," but it was hard to get the teasing biting tone right when he was fighting off waves of pain.

"Ha ha Colonel. At usual, you're not half as funny as you think you are," Rodney retorted but it poorly hid his relief that Sheppard was feeling up to trying to be funny.

"Half as funny means I'm still way more funny than anyone else on Atlantis," John quirked but it ended on a gasp of pain as he shifted, found that whatever aches and pains that had kept quiet on his trip up the mountain were now demanding to be heard. Ronon's big hand came to rest on his shoulder, stilling him as much as it was there to comfort him. Looking up into the faces hovering over him, Teyla and Ronon at his sides, Rodney at his feet and Lorne a few paces back, John knew he was flat out on his back but they were still waiting on his order, trusted him even then when their own lives were in greater risk because of his weakness. So he ordered, "Patch me up quick. Doesn't have to be Beckett worthy. We have a 'be home by dark' curfew."

Ronon nodded his head, Teyla gave him a worried but encouraging smile. He shifted enough to see Rodney's face go all fidgety worried while Lorne took another step back from the gathering on the ground, like he thought he was intruding. So John waved Lorne forward with his left hand as he said, "Evan…" using his first name, not willy nilly, but to establish the man wasn't just his 2nd, was his friend as well. Especially after all they had been through that day.

Coming to stand behind Ronon, Evan looked down into John's eyes, wished he could do something, offer some good news. Maybe ram the jumper through the trees to get to John, contact Atlantis for a med team, anything but watch the man be put through more pain, not just now but on their trek ahead to the gate. "Sir?" he questioned, standing ramrod straight, waiting for orders.

"It's _John_ right now," Sheppard corrected but with affection. "Take a load off, Evan. I've wrangled us a breather."

Evan fought the notion of just sitting around, of him _deserving_ a rest after another FUBAR of letting John fall on the mountain, nearly to his death. Intending to offer to scout ahead, he read the expression in John's eyes that were still locked on him even as Teyla was working to cut away the bandages on his chest. Sheppard wasn't blaming him, he was absolving him, for any perceived guilt he was harboring. More than that, he was telling him he belonged there with John and his team and Evan knew the honor that was.

A smile pulled onto Evan's scratched, stressed features and his stance shifted to an exhausted slouch. "Finally you call a rest. You're a harsh task master."

A matching smile emerged on John's lips. "Bite me…oh yeah, I already have been."

Rodney gave a choked snort and his voice cracked as he admonished, "Please don't joke about that."

Evan had to agree with the doc on that one. "Yeah, too soon, John. Way way too soon."

"You're all so delicate," John taunted but then he stiffened in pain as Teyla's ministrations snagged all of his attention.

A pained grimace contorted Teyla's features as she sorrowfully apologized, "John, I am very sorry for causing you great pain. The wound is much inflamed."

"It's just a little tender," John undersold for Teyla's benefit and the others gathered around him. But he met Teyla's eyes steadily, encouraged her, "Keep doing what you're doing. I'll try to be a better patient."

Teyla was going to refute John's claim that he was being a bad patient but Ronon snorted, sarcastically drawled, "Better patient? _You_?! Carson would be laughing his butt off hearing you promise something so far fetched."

"It's true," Evan agreed, smiled widely as John's eyes swung from searing into Ronon to trying to burn him alive. "Let me guess, this incident is going into my personnel file?"

"A file that's getting thicker by the minute," John joked back before he had to stifle a moan as Teyla pulled away the bandage on his chest and some dried blood had congealed enough to form a glue between the bandage, his chest and the claw wounds. He closed his eyes as he felt a wave of warmth under his skin, like he was toeing the line of passing out from the pain and general offness his body was experiencing.

For her part, Teyla fought down an Athosian curse as her removal of the bandages caused John pain and the wounds underneath to bleed in earnest. Hastily she pulled out another packet of clotting and tapped the fine powder along the lines of the ravaged skin on John's chest. Knew she was doing nothing to truly ease John's pain but right then she had to focus on his survival, on him not losing too much blood.

Helplessly, Rodney, Ronon and Evan watched John in pain. Each noted the array of bruises that were now visible down the entire length of John's chest and torso, the price of his tumble down the cliff with the beast. Evan's jaw clenched in commiseration. His own chest felt tight and his ribs were shooting pain from the beast's swat and his collision with a boulder, knew he'd be sporting bruises but John's entire body had taken the abuse, didn't doubt that John's leg, hips, would be likewise bruised like his chest. Add that muscle pain to his other wounds then being cinched up a mountain, falling, having to support himself one handedly. It made Evan's frustration spike even higher.

Having put the clotting powder in the chest wounds and Sheppard's shoulder wound, Teyla rose her eyes to Ronon. "I can not wrap his chest properly while he is lying down. Can you…" but she broke off as Ronon bleakly nodded, knew the man would do anything for John but this would cost him, putting John in pain to help him.

Though John's eyes were closed and his breathing was a little too fast, Teyla knew John was still conscious so she raised one of her blood stained hands to his cheek, her light touch enough to get him to open his eyes, see her. "John, I have no more pressure bandages so Ronon will lift and support you while I wrap bandages around your shoulder and chest to keep the wounds properly covered."

All John could manage was a "'kay" in agreement. Wasn't like he was up to boasting that he didn't need help, could sit up on his own, could forgo the new bandages when he had felt the saturated wetness of the one's Teyla had removed.

Shifting his position to be at John's head, Ronon gently slid his hands under John's shoulder and raised his friend up, slid closer to the wounded man until the left side of John's upper body was resting against his chest. He felt sick worry in his gut when John's head lolled limply against his collarbone, the man's eyes were tightly clenched shut, and his face was as pale as Ronon had ever seen it. Honestly Ronon didn't know where to put his hands, felt there wasn't any area the man wasn't hurt after seeing the bruises, the tears in Sheppard's uniform sleeves and pants he was starting to think were causalities from the woods that surrounded them. Deciding he had to simply choose a spot, Ronon slid his arm low around John's waist, hoping it didn't aggravate his friend's bruising too much.

"Rodney, can you please help," Telya asked and Rodney quickly came to John's other side, eager to help instead of simply being a useless spectator to John's pain. "Hold the bandage here," she instructed as she positioned the bandage over the front of John's shoulder. Rodney did as she asked even as she stood up, circled around John and Ronon to get access to John's back, to the punctures the Stiver's teeth had done to John's back. Wasn't surprised to see welling blood there as well but wasn't pleased by the sight. So she applied some of the clotting powder before covering the wound with a bandage then she ordered Rodney to hold that one too. Then she had the task of wrapping bandages around John's shoulder to hold the bandages in place, had to maneuver her hands and the bandages under John's shirt, not wanting to force John to remove his shirt, the movement would cause him pain not to mention she didn't want John any colder than he already was.

John tensed in Ronon's hold, found himself fisting some of Ronon's shirt in his left hand as Telya wrapped his shoulder. He knew it was necessary, heck she was doing it to save his life, didn't mean it felt good, that pressure, the jostling, Rodney's hands on the wounds, albeit as gentle as if McKay decided he was working on Atlantean wiring that might crumble in his grasp. Appreciated when someone broke the awkward silence of the medical drama they were involved him, him being cast as the reluctant star.

Claiming a seat on the ground by John's feet, Evan directed at John's team, "Tell me again how you knew we were in trouble?" though he knew Sheppard's team had never told him or John that information in the first place.

"Well, we're talking about Sheppard here," Rodney drawled and that earned him a muttered objection of "Hey" from John but it seemed more a whimper than an actual response with the man still limp in Ronon's arms, his eyes closed. Watched as Teyla tied off the shoulder bandages and then she focused her attention to Sheppard's chest wounds. Rodney felt a little sick at all the blood covering John's body but obediently held the bandages where she indicated. Carefully she slipped her arm between John and Ronon, began wrapping the bandages around John's chest to hold the bandages in place as well.

But Ronon knew Lorne wanted, even deserved a real answer to his question, and so did John. "When we couldn't find Sheppard, found out he had gone offworld with you without a word to anyone…" knew there was a tinge of reprimand, hurt coming through his tone by the way John stiffened in his arms. Glancing down at his friend, seeing the way John's face was shut down from showing any emotions, his eyes open now but fixed on a spot over the ridge, away from them and his weakness and Ronon's displeasure with him. But Ronon knew he didn't want John to think it was about anger, not all of it, was about fear, family most of all. So he confessed, "My gut said he was in danger. Rodney and Teyla sensed it too."

"Thank God for spidey senses," Evan replied earnestly, knew Sheppard had indoctrinated both Teyla and Ronon with his pop culture references because they seemed to get the comic book quip immediately.

"We were fine," John protested because he thought he should, though his words were coming out a bit breathlessly. "Lorne and I are no Mary Janes needing rescuing."

Looking incredulously at his friend, Rodney retorted, "Didn't need rescuing?! And what, that saber tooth tiger Ronon shot pouncing for you was just going to lick your face?!"

John was just formulating his comeback when Lorne did it for him. "Sheppard likes bonding up close and personal with the Alphas. I think it's a leadership, egomaniac thing," he taunted, wasn't disappointed when John managed to grunt out a "That's definitely going in your file" threat.

Trying to take heart at the banter going on, Teyla finished wrapping the bandage around John's torso and tied the ends in a knot, hated that John drew in a pained breath at the tightening. Was probably why she reached out, lightly traced his face with her knuckles, wanted to offer him gentleness to counter her touch of pain. "I am done, John."

"Good," John croaked out, the pain still firing up from his chest making breathing and talking a chore.

Though Teyla was done with her first aid, Ronon remained in place holding John, found he was reluctant to move the man, which certainly wasn't about him being loath to release his protective embrace of his friend. To have to uncoil John's hand from his shirt, to not have the reassuring beat of John's heart thudding against his chest, to remove the heat pouring off the man onto him. To know John was alive, was going to stay that way. That no animal's vicious attack would rob him of the person he valued most, his brother in all ways but blood.

So Ronon stalled the inevitable, continued to hold John who wasn't asking to be released, was weakly slumped against him, his hand crushing his shirt slightly less than before. "What's the plan?" he directed to Lorne, conceding that, with Sheppard out of the commission, command fell to the Major.

Startled but honored that the Satedan was trusting him when Sheppard was right there, Evan hoped he didn't let any of them down as he countered with a question of his own. "How far's the gate from this location?"

"Four miles and the forest has much underbrush and the trees grew very close together," Teyla reported, using some dirt to try and remove some of John's blood unreassuringly coating her hands. Didn't want the constant reminder of how gravely John was wounded to distract her now as she focused on getting back to the gate, getting John home.

"Maybe there's another path, a more open path than how we came?" Rodney ventured, remembered how many times he had shoulder checked a tree, felt a tad bit of his claustrophobia kick in which would have been worse if he hadn't had that whole 'worried about Sheppard' thing to distract him on their original trek to the cliff.

"It seemed the most direct route," Ronon pointed out.

"Ok, well, let's do some scouting to make sure we can't veer a little off course and get a better easier path," Lorne suggested was going to stand up and put his words into action but John spoke for the first time during their meeting.

"Let Ronon, Teyla and Rodney do that, you can stay here with me, keep me company," John suggested but Evan knew it was an order, knew his CO was doing it out of concern for his wellbeing after the beast knocked him around.

"I'm fine, good to scout around," Evan countered, wanted to do something useful, didn't need to be coddled, shouldn't be, not when John was grievously injured because of him.

Though John was off his game, he hadn't missed how pale his Second in command was, knew Evan had to have been hurt when he got knocked across the forest by the Alpha runner up, didn't do him any favors bearing his weight as well as his own on the rockface for those tense minutes until John had a new vine attached to him and then he had pulled Rodney up. And John might carelessly dismiss his own pain but never his friends' pain. Turning his head so he could lay eyes on Lorne, he drawled, "Don't think of it as babysitting, consider it bodyguarding me, you know, in case something wants to snack on me. Some more."

Put in that light, Evan took that protective responsibility with all seriousness. Turning to Sheppard's team, he assigned, "Alright, I'll stay with the Colonel. The rest of your do grids of one hundred yards apart from each other, go about seven hundred yards toward the 'gate and then come back. We'll compare notes, see if there's a better way to the gate then you came."

"Seven hundred yards….how many steps is that?" Rodney asked, seemingly trying to do the mental math in his head.

"We will pace each other and call out, you will know when to turn around and return here," Teyla placated him but no one moved, were averse to parting from John.

Of course it was John who put them into motion by trying to shift up from his perch against Ronon, to do something on his own that wasn't all about weakness. He didn't get far before Ronon was grabbing his trembling arm but this time John wasn't pulled back against the Satedan, instead Ronon was sliding out from under him, intending to settle him back onto the ground.

"I should sit up," John suggested but Ronon ignored him, carefully settling him on the ground, making sure John's head again came to rest on his bundled up coat.

Looking down at his friend and leader, Ronon smiled, "Like you said, Lorne will be here to protect you from anything scary." But then his eyes darkened with worry. "Rest while you can, Sheppard."

In John's head, he tacked on to Ronon's words, ' _you're going to be slowing us down as it is, you passing out won't do us any good._ ' So he obediently nodded, knew he didn't want to be more of a liability to his friends. As if reading his thoughts, Ronon's eyes narrowed, his next words almost confirmed he was a psychic. "If you're beating yourself up about being hurt and in pain, stop. All we care about is getting you home and hurting you as little as we can doing it."

Touched by Ronon's concern, by the concerned not exasperated looks Teyla, Rodney and Evan were leveling at him, John hoarsely conceded, "I know, it just…."

"This sucks, like, really bad? Worse than all the paperwork you had to do when you were stuck back on Earth at Stargate Command all those months," Rodney supplied and John had to smirk. "Yeah, McKay. Like that."

"Thought so," Rodney smirked right back, glad to bring some levity to his friend since he was useless at easing any of John's obvious pain. After all, it was what John would do for him if the roles were reversed.

Then John commanded, "Get moving already. Not like I'm going anywhere." And that spurred his three teammates into action but they still spared him a worried look before they left that he didn't notice but Evan did.

Alone again with his commander, Even tightened his grip on his P90 and swiveled his look around the woods fronting the small clearing at the edge of the cliff where they were positioned.

Suddenly John was missing his own P90, didn't really remember how he had gotten separated from it. How was he supposed to reprimand his men for losing equipment when he was setting one heck of a bad example? "You're taking this bodyguarding thing too far. It was a joke," John pointed out at Evan's super vigilance.

"Not to me," Evan countered. "Not to them," jerking his head to the woods, to the team that had disappeared in its grasp.

"Even I'm not unlucky enough to be attacked by two animal species in the same day," John quirked, which had Lorne's lip quirk up without his permission and he drew his attention from the woods to his leader.

"If anyone could do it, it's you," Lorne quipped and John smiled like it was a compliment, proved as much the next second.

"Aw, that's going to go right to my head, Major," John drawled, was glad when Lorne settled the P90 back onto its tethered and sat back, losing some of his tension. Then they heard Teyla calling out to Rodney as she promised, heard Rodney's whiney comeback, "How come I got the worse trail?! I already ran into four spider webs, got my coat caught and ripped the sleeve…"

Ronon's voice bellowed, "Keep moving or we won't tell you when to turn around," which had Lorne and John exchanged bemused looks, especially when Rodney sniped back, "Fine but this route is way worse than the first one or either of yours, trust me."

"They seem like their usual well-oiled machine," Lorne commented dryly, didn't have to wait long for John's comeback.

"It's more like a hodgepodge of parts that work remarkably well together," John both praised and explained his team's particularities.

"That only _you_ would have ever gotten to work well together," Evan proclaimed, John's ability to meld together people and see their true value was one of the first things Evan came to admire about his Commanding officer.

"You'd be lucky to have any one of them on your team, too bad I'm not sharing them anytime soon," John extoled his teammates without taking any credit for their skills.

Evan snorted at the very idea, said aloud what he was thinking, "Like they'd ever leave you. I think this whole thing proves that your Koyla showdown didn't diminish their devotion to you."

John shifted uneasily at the topic, gritted his teeth as pain flared everywhere at his motion before he lay still again, focused on evening out his breaths. He felt a measure of calm lent to him when Evan reached out and laid his hand on his leg right below his knee.

"Easy, John. Resting means not moving around too." But Evan knew it was partly his fault, that John would have already walked away from the conversation if he could have. Then they heard Teyla call out to Rodney again to turn around, knew the team was on their way back, that Evan had limited time alone with John. So he didn't beat around the bushes, blatantly proclaimed, "They came for you, John. Whatever…. _anger_ they expressed about how you killed Kolya, it clearly wasn't about them not trusting you."

Obvious to the pending return of his teammates, John dropped his voice, hissed back at Lorne, "Just because they don't want me dead…that doesn't mean I haven't damaged the trust they have in me."

Evan scowled at John's stubbornness to see how much he was valued, respected and _trusted_. And not just by his teammates. His frustration made his words terse as he bit out, "Honestly, sir, I don't think there's much you could ever do to lose their trust….except maybe give up on yourself and die on them." And then he stood up, walked to the edge of the woods as Ronon came out of the forest first, followed by Teyla and then a grumbling McKay who did have a torn jacket sleeve, leaves in his hair and was sneezing.

"So how's it look?" Evan asked.

Ronon reported first. "Better now that I cleared some of the thicket, might be the way to go. Trees aren't so close."

"Well we don't all carry a sword Conan," Rodney acidly drawled, then, at the arch of the Major's eyebrow, supplied testily, "As my appearances attests to, my path is not conducive to a nice hike through the woods."

"My way had many downed trees," Teyla supplied without prompting by Lorne.

"Ok, then Ronon's way it is. Let's give the Colonel a few more minutes then we'll move out," Evan announced.

From the ground, John tilted his head back to view his teammates from his position, interjected, "The colonel is right here and we can move out now." But it was like he was speaking to himself. No one paid him any attention.

"Teyla, you'll take point again and I'll bring up the rear. Ronon, can three abreast make it through the pathway?"

"Will be tight some places but its doable."

"Ok, then you and McKay will help the Colonel. It will do all of you some good to rest a bit now too."

"But we must not tarry," Teyla stressed, eyes holding Lorne's and he knew it wasn't about the night bringing out more creatures. No, it was about John needing medical attention, that they couldn't afford to lose their way in the dark and not get him to the gate as soon as they could. He nodded in agreement and saw the relief in her eyes that she didn't need to speak aloud her concerns. What they were all thinking was bad enough.

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Ronon's path might have been "the way to go" but it wasn't a lot of fun, especially for Sheppard. It took all he had to bite back sounds of pain as their three man relay race of him, Ronon and Rodney turned and contorted themselves to make it through the dense forest. It was instantly noticeable when they passed the point of Ronon's original scouting mission and started to be choked by underbrush to trip them and dangling vines to snag them.

It instigated a change of formation. Teyla took Ronon's spot at John's side while Ronon used his sword to good use hacking a path forward. It was slow going but John didn't mind the pace. His feet barely shuffling across the forest floor, his head down, chin resting on his chest, eyes closed because blurry vision wasn't much vision and feeling disconnected from his own body and things going on around him. It felt like a last leg on a journey he'd traveled but had never gotten this far down before.

Remembered Trevor Holland at the end, how he had told John to leave him behind, save himself, had told John he had done good, that he wasn't letting him down. That he didn't want John to die with him. But John wouldn't listen, hoisted Trevor into a fireman's carry when the man couldn't walk another step, was determined to save him, vowed to walk across all of Afghanistan if he had to, cut down as many hostiles as stepped in his path. Was so caught up in believing in his determination to get Holland back home, he nearly missed his friend's last words wheezed out as he carried him over his shoulders.

"I'm done, John. I'm good with going."

Stumbling to a stop, John had turned his head to see his friend's face resting on his shoulder and knew Trevor was gone. That he could try to get his friend's heart to beat again, breathe air into his lungs, to try and drag him back to life…but it was futile. Trevor had put up the fight of his life and then surrendered on his own terms. Didn't give their enemies the satisfaction of seeing the light go out in his eyes, to make his last words a plea for his life. He died as he lived. Making his own stand and graciously accepting when a stronger hand than his own guided his path.

As much as John wanted to put Trevor down, mourn him properly, hell, fall apart, he knew he couldn't. Not if he wanted to get his friend home, for a proper burial, to return his friend to his wife and his two brothers and his father. He owed him that at last.

In that he had not failed his friend.

Unbidden, John felt the tears he hadn't let fall back then silently slide down his clenched eyes now. For Trevor, for his friend's family, for himself. For the people John had lost since coming to Atlantis. Who trusted him with their safety, their lives and he had instead watched them die. Had to pretend they were acceptable losses when they weren't. He would save them all if he could but his trek with Trevor had taught him that he wasn't everyone's savior, sometimes wasn't anyone's savior. Was just a soldier who wanted to win and not sacrifice anything in the process.

Like he had wanted to win against Koyla and not sacrifice anything. But he had lost something in that victory and he knew it and it hurt. Like hell. Everything came at a cost, sometimes too high to pay. But that was the hand he had dealt for himself, when he enlisted in the Air Force, joined covert operations, stepped through the Stargate for the first time. This was the path he was on, had chosen, like Trevor had chosen his path long before that Afghani dessert was the last sight he saw.

Catching sight of the tears tracking down John's features, Teyla felt shaken to her core at the sight, worriedly called out, "John?" bringing their motion to a stop. "Are you in too much pain? Shall I give you some morphine?" she asked, stepping in front of him, her hands gently cupping his face.

John kept his eyes closed, his head down but lowly ground out, "No, keep going." Because he wasn't where Trevor was, couldn't say he was done, good with going. He wanted to _live_ , wanted to get out of this forest, to stay with these people he loved more than he ever remembered loving his father, his brother, nearing the fervently way he had once loved his mother in his boyish memories.

Not wanting to infringe on John's personal barriers when she didn't know if her touch was comforting or not, Teyla dropped her hands, gave a look to Rodney, to Evan behind John, felt Ronon at her back. All of them at a loss to know what was best for John.

For Rodney's part, he didn't have a clue how to deal with a John who allowed tears to track down his face, didn't think …didn't know….had no mathematical equation to assign him his next step. Was as uncertain as he'd ever remember being so he let not his brain but his heart dictate his actions. He reached up, put his hand on the top of John's bowed head and leaned close, his eyes on John's profile and his words gentle, tinged with emotions that made them crack, "Screw the dark. We can camp out here. I forgot the marshmallows but I know some camp songs. Ok, I didn't go to camp but…I understand the songs are traditional tunes." Hoping John understood his meaning, that he didn't have to be strong, not for them, that if he needed a break, they'd sit there in the dark with him all night. That whatever he needed, they would do it for him. They weren't going anywhere without him.

It got a thready chuckle from John. Rodney McKay hated camping, hated the woods, really hated the woods at night but he'd bear it all for him, if he said he needed a rest, couldn't go on. Rodney would put himself in hell just so John wasn't. It gave John the strength to open his eyes, meet Rodney's worried gaze. "I appreciate the offer, Rodney." Let that sink in as Rodney nodded, waited for his answer, as they all waited for his answer. "But I can make it…if you help me."

It was Ronon who declared, eyes holding John's. "You don't have to ask for our help. It's yours. Always."

Teyla affirmed, "We're not going anywhere without you."

"Or letting you ditch us," Rodney put in, a little bit of reprimand still in his tone.

Then Evan closed up ranks, came to John's side. "I vote we have a redo on your vacation day next month, except let's not spend it starring in a creature feature."

John's smile was tired but genuine as he agreed, "Less teeth and claws more women in bathing suits sounds like a fair compromise."

Evan smiled back, joined by John's teammates. "I'll put it on your calendar, Colonel."

"You do that," John agreed before he took in the concerned faces around him, knew they were still waiting for his consent to continue their trail of tears. Knew that while he had done all he could to save Trevor, his friend's life was destined to be lost. And his own, it was destined to be reclaimed in another galaxy, with a geek, two space aliens and a fellow soldier. His life wasn't over, had been threaded with the lives of these people, he wasn't just a solitary man like Johnny Cash sang about, he was a part of something stronger than he ever could be on his own. "Ronon, get the woods outta our way. I can't see the gate from here but I can practically smell the Atlantis' sea."

Teyla's smile brightened even as Rodney smirked and Ronon huffed and Lorne clapped a hand on John's uninjured shoulder before falling back to flanking position. Then they moved out, not as a unit but as a family heading home after a not so awesome vacation.

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TBC?

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I guess I could end it here but I'd feel cheated not getting John home and having Carson patch him up then there's his team fussing over him as he recovers plus there's the emotional wrap up to do yet. Ok, so all that is the part I love best, the whole reason I tortured and maimed the man in the first place, so yes, more story will follow. Whew, had to work through my reasons to not end the story here. So, all that to say...Hope you stay tuned.

Thanks again for all the love my reviewers have shown this story!

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.


	9. Irreplaceable

Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

Author's Note: Ok, I'm continuing on and I hope I don't screw up the story by doing so. Now it's time for that tedious declaimer of: I'm not a doctor, no doctors were consulted during the production of this story so therefore all my medical procedures are not to be consulted should you, in real life, be attacked by a stiver or another hungry vicious animal. That being said, please excuse any medical/first aid inaccuracies in this story. I wanted to do more research how to treat animal bites/scratches but all I was coming up with was animal attack videos (which I refused to watch…I like my things to stay fantasy world where no real person becomes harmed). So if you could please just see all this as entertainment and turn a blind eye to any medical flub ups, it would be much appreciated.

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Chapter 9: Irreplaceable

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When the gate activated under Loren's IDC, Elizabeth immediately headed to the jumper bay, hoping Ronon's gut instincts about Sheppard being in danger had been wrong. By the time she reached the bay, the jumper had been settled into a landing and the jumper doors were opening and she instantly knew that the Satedan had been right and she had been wrong. Cursing herself for not immediately green lighting Sheppard's team to go after John, she stepped toward the bloody, nearly unconscious man supported between Ronon and Rodney.

"What happened?" she asked but John didn't lift his head to look at her, and it troubled her to think maybe he couldn't move, that that was beyond him. Ronon and Rodney didn't pay her any attention, were already veering to the right with their wounded leader held in their grasp, their destination the infirmary. "I'll have Dr. Beckett meet you on the way," she called after them and then Teyla brushed by her without a word following in the wake of the others.

After calling Beckett and announcing he had an incoming patient, Elizabeth stood there a moment, stunned, found herself standing alone in the jumper bay with Major Lorne, who frankly looked like crap. But he was military and he began to answer her question in respect to her position, "Dr. Weir, there was wild life that we hadn't encountered before…" he began but she held up her hand stopping his report.

"How about you tell me on the way to the infirmary because you look like you need treatment as well," she stated before tucking her head the way the others had went. He simply nodded in gratitude, not because he wanted his wounds seen to but because he ached to be there with Sheppard. He had not gone with Sheppard's team only because sheer military protocol had kept him behind reporting to Dr. Weir. And it wasn't like she didn't want to be there too, because he knew she and John were friends, had endured a lot together and it had bonded them.

It seemed that was John Sheppard's knack, to make Atlantis a family. The man just didn't know it wasn't about others, it was about _him_. He was the glue. Evan almost smirked, knew McKay would probably turn that into a nick name if he told the Doc his thoughts. He'd probably go around calling Sheppard "Colonel Elmers". Dr. Weir interrupted his thoughts as they walked to the transporter with a "Major?" and then he fought back a sigh and started on the tale of how one stupid careless Major got his Colonel mauled, bitten, tossed down a mountain and nearly splattered at the bottom of a cliff. If Sheppard didn't put a black mark on his record for this mission, he wasn't sure Dr. Weir would be so forgiving. And he wouldn't protest, would most likely agree as he recalled the hell of the day and the last journey of the trip home.

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Sheppard had gone silent that last hour as they made their way through the by then dark forest led by the beam of flashlight on Teyla's P90 with Ronon hacking away the foliage in their way.

Evan was on John's right side and Rodney doggedly had not relished John's left to Teyla as they inched along the path. Between them, John hung in their gasp, head down, silent, feet barely moving, heat pouring off him, sweat soaking his hair and his body, and his breathing…labored. And Evan feared when it would stop, that drag of air in and out, when this day would go from hellish to nightmare.

"I am so sorry, John," Evan choked out, didn't want the words to go unsaid. He had tried to say them all day in military speak but needed John to know it plainly. How sorry he was, that he didn't want this, would take John's pain on himself if he could. Should take it on.

But John wasn't so far gone that he didn't hear him, didn't try to assuage his guilt.

"I'm…cat…nip…'member," John wheezed out. Then he declared with fervor, "Not…your …fault…" John wanted Evan to get that, accept that. Like Holland had tried so damn hard for him to get. But John hadn't, couldn't, even now. Grief and guilt were a terrible duo, ate at your soul even as you told yourself you were handling things, compartmentalizing just fine. Meanwhile your soul was leaking away onto the floor. He didn't want that for Evan, for any of them.

"My…vacation…day…can do …with it…what I …want. Got that? My….choice. _Mine_." Then he managed to raise his head, wished Evan wasn't in shadows, that the light of Evan's P90 allowed him to see Evan's eyes, so he knew the other man was getting this. "Say it…back. My..choice."

Major Lorne did as command, "Your choice," but his voice was more choked than before. He didn't believe it in his heart. And he and John knew it. John cursed quietly and bitterly before he dropped his head down again.

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That was the last John spoke, he had said his peace to Evan and it had taken nearly the last of his strength to do it. ' _For you, to forgive you,'_ Evan needlessly reminded himself before he bitterly rebuked, ' _And you didn't accept it, couldn't figure out how to even fake accepting it.'_ Aloud, he finished his tale to Dr. Weir. "The terrain was thick forest, cliffs, it took us hours to return to the gate once Sheppard's team met up with us." So simple a description for a painful trek it was almost a mockery.

As Evan and Elizabeth stepped out of the transporter, they arrived in time to see Ronon pick up an unprotesting John in his arms and lay him down on the gurney Dr. Beckett had wheeled out into the hallway. Then there was the mad dash for the infirmary, Dr. Beckett already assessing Sheppard's condition, Teyla holding John's hand while Ronon and Rodney followed the gurney. Evan and Dr. Weir trailed behind, and as much as they both valued John, they were outsiders here. Were cousins, not brothers, not a sister, were 2nd tier family members. And they accepted that, knew their place, had the heart to be grateful for that blessing even as they were a bit jealous.

But when John was whooshed into the surgery suite, they were all left behind, aching to be with John and yet sidelined to the waiting room. And Evan had to reevaluate his earlier description. Dragging John through the forest, causing him more pain, fearing that the fever would spike too high, do irreparable damage, it had been horrible but this…John out of his sight, not being privy to his condition, not hearing sickly reassuring sounds of his labored breaths, it was worse.

If something went horribly wrong, if there was complications they hadn't sensed, if John died now…alone, without him, without his family of Ronon, Teyla, McKay, even Elizabeth. It was unbearable. Like they had abandoned him at the last. When he needed them most.

For a big man, Ronon could be stealthy, had gained his side without Evan's notice until he spoke. "Carson's with him. He's John's friend, knows Sheppard's…."

Evan's eyes met Ronon's and for the first time in their acquaintance they truly came to an understanding. Ronon knew where his thoughts had been and now he knew where Ronon's were even before Ronon managed to choke out, "That we can't lose him." Evan could only nod, words not possible but it was enough. Then Ronon joined McKay and Teyla in their vigil, Evan didn't miss that Ronon tugged McKay down into a seat and took Teyla's hand and led her to the chairs before dropping his tall frame into a chair. They knew this game well. Had played it before. Even Elizabeth had, was taking the chair to McKay's right. Leaving Evan standing there, uncertain. Until Teyla called his name, "Evan" and she nodded to the chair to her left. Invited him into their family, into their special bond, into their own personal torment.

He didn't hesitate long, headed for the chair…only to get snagged on the way by a nurse who started to manhandle him into an exam room but he called out to the group, "Any news on Sheppard…"

"We'll let you know the second we know," Dr. Weir assured him and that had to be enough. Slowly he turned away, let the nurse lead him away. But he couldn't help feeling like an outsider all over again. Knew if John's condition was worse than he let himself believe, if the Colonel didn't make it… he'd pack his bags himself and scuttle back to Earth to face whatever consequences there were for destroying the heart of an entire expedition team, because, the death of Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, it would be catastrophe to the family of Atlantis.

SGATSGAT

It was times like this that Rodney missed being friendless. Sort of. Yes, it was comforting being surrounding by friends right then, waiting…doing the horrible, gut wrenching waiting. But then again, if he didn't have friends, hadn't let down his guard, hadn't come to actually like the cocky flyboy Ancient gene wonder boy…he wouldn't have this terrible fear tearing him apart, wouldn't be here waiting, praying for good news, trying so hard to not let the possible bad news even cross his mind.

They were home. They had gotten Sheppard home. They should be cheering, off cleaning up, eating but …a different type of worry had claimed him, all of them when they handed John off to Carson. Of the 'what if' category. None of them were doctors, even medics, had only the "patch 'em up and get 'em to Beckett" training. They didn't know the complications to John's wounds, the ramifications of his day long fever, of his severe blood loss. To them, all was good because John had managed, even in his pained haze, to keep shuffling his feet along, responded to Major Lorne's apology, didn't do anything drastic like stop breathing and they had gotten him home, to Carson, to help.

But now John was under medical scrutiny. Carson wouldn't be swayed by little things like Sheppard still breathing, his heart still beating. Wouldn't stamp it, all good until…until…and that was the true fear. That Carson wouldn't stamp it all good. Would see what they couldn't, maybe didn't want to. That John was…he couldn't be…wasn't going to….had suffered too much….

Heck, Rodney didn't know! He wasn't a medical doctor, hadn't ever wanted to be. But right then, he wished he knew enough to know if John was going to screw them all over and die, no matter they had gotten him home, thought they had accomplished something, did the best they could for him.

What he did know was that he had read Carson's expression as he assessed John, wheeled him down the corridor into the infirmary, and it wasn't the Scot's happy go lucky, 'he'll be right as rain' expression. No, it had been his focused doctor face, commanding his team with strident orders, his hands not bothering to be gentle as they pulled back the bandages covering John but hurried, forceful, purposeful, desperate motions.

' _And my last true conversation with John had been me snapping at him, berating him for going with Lorne, not telling me where he was going to be for the day.'_ And truly, all he should have been saying was, ' _I'm concerned about you. I'm freaking out that you're wounded so badly. Whatever I did to make you not trust me to tell me about Holland's death's anniversary, about taking a day off, about where you were going, I promise I won't do it again.'_

But just like the deep friendship he shared with Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon and Carson was a new trait, so was expressing his emotions in any way except ranting, belittling and snapping. Officially, he was back to the drawing board, having failed at both endeavors. A good friend wouldn't have yelled at a friend in pain, wouldn't have had trouble expressing his worry for a friend. A good friend would have had the courage to track down John after the blowup about John's suicidal dependency on the Ancient Shield, about his delusional idea that Koyla deserved an honorable death, his stupid notion that they all didn't think he had every right to shoot an unarmed Koyla in the head, certainly didn't want the Genii getting yet another chance to kill John Sheppard right before their eyes.

Didn't John know what it did to them the first time?! Watching the Wraith feed on him, watching his life being taken from him, watching Sheppard being taken from _them_?! It was hell. There was no other word for it. Rodney had woken up shouting "Sheppard!" on too many nights after the event, the scenes playing again in his head, twisted and this time showing a dead Sheppard. And he didn't think he was the only one of the team having the same nightmares, not due to an alien influence but something real, something so deeply troubling and hurtful…it lingered, long after John was miraculously returned to them.

And yesterday, John had tempted fate, had put his life in Koyla's hands, again. Had surrendered. Faced down a firing squad, albeit with an ace in his pocket. And John had done that, risked himself, to save them, and they had to stand there and watch as bullets flew at him, not knowing John's plan until the bullets pelted off the shield. But their excruciating terror melting to relief shorted out the next second when the Ancient Shield protecting John did the same. Only for the townsfolks to intervene, saving John again. And it would have been a victory…if John hadn't faced off with Koyla. Hadn't sought to… to…Rodney didn't know what?! Exact revenge and yet honor the solider Koyla was, that Sheppard thought he himself should be for them?! Adhering to some damn code of honor?!

Didn't Sheppard know his honor wasn't in question, never would be?! That all they wanted was him ok, not filled with bullets, not dead for real by Koyla's hand. ' _And not dead by some stupid primitive lion, dino thing either,_ ' Rodney tacked onto the growing lists of ways he didn't want to lose his best friend. What he said aloud was a broken, "I shouldn't have yelled at him about the Shield with the Koyla thing."

Teyla fought back a sigh of guilt but it carried in her words anyway, "We all have regrets of how we handled that, Rodney. None more than me."

"I should have hunted Koyla down long before then, put a bullet in his head," Ronon fumed, had thought somehow he had to let Sheppard do it, that John needed to kill Koyla to right the wrong done to him. But now he wished he hadn't hesitated when Koyla entered the village, had not sided with Teyla on the whole wait thing, had shoved John in Lucius' special hiding place and taken out Koyla on his own.

Elizabeth entered the round robin of guilt. "Ronon, we had a few other things to occupy our time. Besides, I told Landon to notify me if he ever learned even a _rumor_ of where Koyla was. Trust me when I say I wanted the man as dead as the rest of you," true hatred in her tone that she usually reserved for Wraith but Koyla had made her betray John, even if it was at John's insistent. She had found that John's _approval_ …it did nothing to smother her shame, her bitterness at her choice, that she protected a man she didn't like and didn't trust instead of protecting John, someone who had come to mean so much to her. All for the sake of the greater good. Never before had she wanted to forsake all to save one.

As much as Teyla wanted to assign blame to Koyla for John leaving them behind today, no longer trusting them, she knew it wasn't the Genii's fault, was hers, was theirs, the people John had trusted most who had let him down. Was that guilt that choked the waiting room, twisted cruelly with their fear for their friend's life. "I do not believe this is about Koyla. It is about how we reacted to the fear of losing John when he challenged Koyla."

Not denying her insight, Ronon growled, "A risk he didn't have to take." Silently he hated his part in all this. _'A risk I should have taken for him. I shouldn't have been bait for him. None of us should have been. We were a liability to him._ _I_ _was a liability to him.'_ Which made him doubt his place on John's team, understood why John's trust in him was shaken.

Again Elizabeth interjected pragmatism. "He felt he did have to take the risk." That had all eyes flying to her in question.

Only Rodney dared to try and push through the security clearance red tape of Elizabeth's admission. "Did he tell you that in his private debriefing?!"

Torn between betraying John's trust and allowing John's teammates…John's _family_ to see his point of view, mend what was hurt in John, Elizabeth broke protocol, hoped it mattered that she was doing it for the right reasons. "He didn't want anyone else hurt if Koyla tried to escape."

Teyla stiffened in her seat. "Like I said would happen if he went after Koyla. I said that innocents would be caught in the cross fire." Had not truly envisioned where that logic would lead John, what it had almost cost them all. Might still.

"So he made sure the only one in Koyla's crosshairs was him," Ronon concluded, knew the warrior in him approved but the part of him that viewed John as a brother, was less proud of Sheppard's decision.

For McKay this was all well and good…if it was some war movie of the week. But in real life…when lives were at stake not just egos and odds and noble actions, a few villagers who had, excuse him, been fine with them being forced to be bait for John, who had been only in some small percentage of danger verses John's high level of danger..it left his gut churning. Not one to keep things like that to himself, he caustically bit out, "Did he honestly think we'd think that was a wonderful idea?! If he was a second slower, Koyla a second faster…" broke off, because they might have ended up where they were right now, with John grievously injured, fighting for his life or worse, much worse. He ran a trembling hand down his face to gather himself. "Feels like we've come full circle, for what?!" he bitterly challenged as he surged to his feet, wished he was a violent person, could kick over a table, punch a wall.

It was Lorne who answered Rodney's rhetorical question as he skirted around the exam curtain and walked to the waiting group. "Colonel Sheppard won't apologize for what he did with Koyla, or what he did to save me today. That's what makes him so important to us all."

"And makes us want to throttle him," McKay grumbled as he paced but didn't refute Lorne's statement. Knew the Major was right. John never apologized for the risks he took to save others.

Evan smirked. "Yeah. Throttle him or hug him…in equal measures." Then he shuffled forward, the pain killers mercifully setting in as he claimed the seat Teyla had offered him earlier. He let the silence hold for a few minutes, fighting with himself on his moral dilemma. But couldn't dismiss the notion that the time to stay silent was past, that just like he knew Elizabeth had decided, betraying a confidence was better than letting a friend drown in emotion hurt and wrong assumptions. "The Koyla showdown….he thinks he lost your trust." Felt all eyes on him and the air in the room charge with tension. He met Ronon's eyes, felt he, out of all of them, might get John's headspace best. "That you won't follow him anymore like you had, that you think he's…." But the words caught in Evan's throat, felt a whole other betrayal to even say them, associate them with the honorable man that John Sheppard was.

But Rodney impatiently demanded, "He thinks that we think he's what?!"

The labels still came out choked as Evan got them out. "A murderer… reckless with your lives…suicidal." He fisted his hands, hating that he had said those things, that John could _think_ them. "Things none of us would ever think of him."

That had Ronon surging out of his chair, hands fisted, nearby walls in jeopardy of being punched. "How can he think that?" he lowly roared, didn't know if he'd be able to stop himself from slamming John into a wall if he was there right then, for thinking any of that. If John wasn't busy….fighting for his life.

"Because I insinuated that his need to confront Koyla was….selfish. That his ….desire for revenge was blinding him to the danger it would cost others. That his wanting Koyla dead was… immoral," Teyla supplied with utter heartbreak and shame. Her intentions had been good but they had sorely wounded the man she had sought to protect the most.

Rodney added with equal regret, "Me chewing him out about being stupid to trust the Shield to withstand all those bullets after it handled an explosion was no, 'I'm pretty sure you're not suicidal and I'm so glad you're not dead' parade."

Running a hand through his dreadlocks, Ronon bitterly confessed, "Yeah and I yelled at him about facing off with Koyla. Didn't say I was more than fine with Koyla being dead just not…you know, how he went about it. Putting himself in danger."

Though Evan had been certain John's teammates' motives had been in concern for John, it was heartening to hear them aloud, wished John was there to hear them. "I told him none of that was about you not trusting him, was about you… you…" Lorne saw all them looking at him again, waiting, again. Silently vowing that his boss was going to owe him for making him be all touchy feely on his behalf, Evan finished his declaration, "It was about you caring about him, not wanting to lose him. But it…I don't think it got through to him," resignation turning his voice low.

"I'll make it get thru to him," Ronon threatened like he'll plummet John until he got it.

"We all will," Teyla pledged, noticeably putting aside her shame and sorrow and donning her warrior mentality.

"Yeah, because he listens so well when we show concern," Rodney grumbled but when Ronon, Teyla, Elizabeth and Evan all looked at him he relented with a put upon sigh. "Yeah, of course I'm in on the whole 'knock some sense into Sheppard's thick skull that he's not expendable'. But from past experience, it's an uphill battle."

"Well then, it's a good thing none of us like to lose," Elizabeth smiled her tough, determined smile that said she wouldn't back down and encouraged them that they shouldn't either.

But as much as Evan knew he should feel something along the lines of hope, he couldn't feel much except fear for Sheppard's life. Knew that they would all take Sheppard's hatred even, if only he fought hard and stayed with them. But if things turned a bad corner, if John did the one thing none of them could forgive him for and died, died doubting what he meant to them all, that was utterly unconscionable to Evan.

SGATSGATSGATSGAT

Doctor Carson Beckett didn't have much experience with treating animal attacks and wished he wasn't broadening his horizons right then. A gunshot or a knife wound, blunt object trauma, stuns, diseases, alien and otherwise, those were his go-to things, they followed guidelines, scientific procedures, but the wounds on Colonel Sheppard were anything but clinical, were messy, and brutal with unpredictable consequences.

Were the creatures that attacked him venomous? What diseases did they carry? What was in the planet's soil that was harmful because it was in John's wounds, along with the animal's saliva. Then there was the physical damage to John's shoulder, his chest, his blood loss, the infection burning through his body, the congestion in his lungs, the cracked ribs, grade 3 concussion and the bloody bruising the lad had from head to toe.

' _Damn it son, you were supposed to be off enjoying a little down time, a nice boring walk in the woods_ ,' Carson chided his patient, eyes slipping up from his inspection of the wounds to John's slack face. Dr. Weir had filled him in on John's furlough with Evan after Rodney didn't return to the infirmary with a protesting Sheppard in tow. At first Carson had been angry with Sheppard, but hearing that the others had twisted Dr. Weir's arm to go after the Colonel, that anger had settled into an uncomfortable pit of worry. Because no one knew John better than his teammates, if they sensed John needed them…by jove, it was very likely true.

And it had been. Even now John's condition was serious and if it had been a few more hours or, God forbid, another day or more until John was back here, until he could treat him….Carson didn't like quoting odds but they would be severely not in John's favor with any additional delay. So once again, John's team had moved heaven and earth to save their leader, their friend.

' _They got him home_. _Now it's time for me to do my part_ ,' Carson told himself as he inhaled a steadying breath and then began giving out a steady stream of instructions to his team. No bloody furry thing was going to steal John Sheppard away from the people who loved him. Not on his watch.

SGATSGATSGATSGATSGAT

As Beckett expected, his appearance in the waiting room created quite a stir, had chairs abandoned and him surrounded by worried, intense expressions and overlapping questions of "How is he?" from Elizabeth and Teyla and a snippy "What took you so long?! We hauled him up a cliff in less time than you've kept us waiting!" of course from Rodney. He held up a hand to silence them and to have them settle.

"We've treated the wounds, repaired the muscle damage in his shoulder, are giving him units of blood and loading his body with antibiotics. My chief concern is the infection and high fever. It's had time to dig itself in pretty good."

"We got him back here as soon as we could," Rodney insisted, his tone defensive but the look in his eyes was shameful and scared.

Carson reached out, gave Rodney's shoulder an encouraging squeeze. "I know you did, Rodney. I'm not placing blame just saying it'll be an uphill battle until the infection and fever get under control."

"But he'll be ok, right?" Ronon asked as if he were making a threat but Carson knew from experience the Satedan always wanted things in black and white. Refused to allow any room for Carson to flounder in half truths.

But Carson knew it wasn't really up to him, that infections, fevers could claim lives, wounds less sever and treated sooner than Sheppard's had proven fatal. That medicine alone wasn't the determining factor, the patient's will to live, to fight, to be stubborn and refuse to leave this life, to leave his friends behind, that could sway the outcome. So he smiled up at Ronon, "I think we all know how stubborn Colonel Sheppard is. He wouldn't dare let a pussy cat get the better of him…or leave us."

And that was enough reassurance for Ronon, who broke into a joyous smile. But Carson saw that one member of the gathered crowd was still watching him with strained features. He addressed that person now. "Major, I believe I ordered a doctor to look you over and find you a nice comfy hospital bed."

"I've been examined and treated, Doctor. I don't need the overnight package," Evan denied stiffly, didn't know why Carson was bothering with him when he should be getting back to Sheppard. Because the doctor's reassurances that John was going to be ok were good and all, but they were emotional, not clinical. He wanted facts, not heart and flower predictions. Didn't like false hope, knew how much worse it was when it was stripped away. He knew that first hand when one of his friends in Afghanistan had taken fire but the doctor said he was going to be fine, that they got the bullet out with minimal damage. But when Evan returned from his patrol a day later, his friend was dead, some unforeseen complication…a bleeder they didn't detect.

A little taken back by the usually good tempered Major's tone, Carson wanted to have a private conversation with Lorne. "Well, I'll like to have a look at ya. Let's hop on over to an exam area…."

"I'm fine. You should get back to the Colonel," Evan snapped, felt his irk rising the longer Beckett remained away from John.

Sensing the building clash of wills, Dr. Weir stepped up to the two men, used her command tone on Evan. "Major, let Dr. Beckett check you over."

And though Lorne's jaw clenched, he obeyed, gave a curt nod to Dr. Weir and strode off to the exam area he had went AWOL from earlier. Carson gave Elizabeth a thankful look and then he followed in Evan's footsteps, left Sheppard's friends to settle again in chairs. Knew they would not budge until he gave them the green light to visit John.

When he arrived in the exam area Evan was already sitting on the bed, but his posture was stiff and his features set in that military façade of obedience when it was anything but. He had seen Sheppard wear the expression almost anytime he was forced to have his wounds tended to after a mission. Like he was only doing it because it was protocol. Had nothing to do with easing his own pain, ensuring that he was ok.

Pulling the curtain closed around them for some privacy, Carson didn't begin his exam of Evan, instead folded his arms across his chest and eyed up the Major. "You learn that expression from the Colonel or do all you military types get taught that in basic training?"

It was so out of left field it startled Evan into asking, "What expression?"

"Oh, the whole, I'm fine, no need to worry about me. What me, bleeding? I especially love the Colonel's aw, shucks, me passing out, that's nothing to be concerned about," Carson lightly taunted.

And darn it, Evan couldn't prevent the smirk from pulling onto his lips. "He does have a whole repertoire, doesn't he?"

"Aye, and I bet you saw your share today?" Carson gently prodded, knew a lot about other people's lives being in his hands, their medical condition deteriorating and his job to either heal them or stop the downhill decline of their health. Like the Major had had to do today with only rudimentary medical training, little to no medical supplies, no medical team to support him and all while predators were stalking them. Carson's heart went out to the Major, didn't begrudge Lorne's doubt in his 'all will be well' diagnosis for his CO. Fear didn't just go away because of some cheery predications from a good meaning man sporting a medical degree.

Evan stiffened at Carson's insight, tightly answered, "Yeah, I saw a few of those expressions." But Carson didn't make a reply, left silence reign, and Evan fell right into it by dishearteningly declaring a few moments later, "But mostly he was in too much pain to pull it off."

And Carson sighed, nodded his head, hated when that was the case. Because Lt. Colonel John Sheppard being in too much pain to effectively downplay it, that was one of Carson's worst days. And he had had his fair share, no, too **many** of them. As had John's team. And now the Major had joined the ranks. Instead of standing there like he was about to lecture the Major, Carson claimed a seat on the bed beside Evan, which had the Major's head snapping to him in surprise.

"I'm not military, I joined the Stargate program to save people, heal people, even alien people," Carson began looking at his hands before looking to Evan. "But I've failed, on too many occasions already. Hurt people I was trying to save, missed things that had dire consequences, thought I was doing something for the good but it was used for evil. I'd blame it on the Pegasus galaxy but I'm thinking it's more a war thing, isn't it?"

The doctor's confession and then his insight had Evan's jaw clenching and his throat thick. So he simply nodded his head. Beckett's situations, he knew them well, had experienced most of them, either in Afghanistan or in the fight against the Goa'uld.

At Evan's nonverbal agreement, Carson continued, his tone sympatric but truthful, "Guess I'm part warrior then, because I'm sadly getting to accept that things like a "boring" resupply trip can turn deadly, how guilt can weigh you down when you've done everything in your power to do the right thing. Major, I can't imagine how hard this day was on you but you did save the Colonel's life."

But Evan was shaking his head, "No, his team did. If they hadn't arrived…sensed Sheppard was in danger…"

Carson didn't let him get far down that line of thought. "Lad, I'm the one cataloging the Colonel's harms, I know how old each is, I know how long it takes for blood loss to claim a life, how shock can settle in, not to mention the bloody clawed beasts you tangled with can shred apart muscles, crush bones, tear apart a human body. Without you, the Colonel would have died within an hour of the original attack." At Evan's shocked but protesting expression, Carson stressed, "Even if he woke on his own, tried to treat his wounds, he wouldn't have been able to stop the bleeding on his back, and alone, without someone there with him, chances are high he would have succumbed to shock. Even someone used to wounds like the Colonel can only combat shock with assistance, support, knowing someone's there with him, that there's hope for his survival. Plus with Sheppard, knowing that someone was counting on him, that he needed to protect you, his determination to not leave you alone…behind, there was no way he was going to give up because giving up on himself would have meant giving up on you and he wouldn't do that."

"I know that," Evan hoarsely agreed. Had faith in that all day long, that John wouldn't bail on him, and when his team arrived, he knew Sheppard wouldn't quit on them either. And maybe that was why he found himself afraid now. Because there was no threat looming over their heads for Sheppard to defend them against, that John might not fight for himself like he had fought for them. "But now…" it was hard to word that, to insinuate John Sheppard might quit.

And a light bulb seemed to go off for Carson and he smirked, "Ah, you think he'll let down his guard, now that the danger's over."

"The danger's over for me, for his team…not him, is it?" Evan pressed, didn't want things to be sugar coated, wasn't assured by them.

Carson couldn't refute the Major's statement. "Yes, he's still in danger." Saw Evan's shoulders slump at the news but he quickly tacked on, "But he knows Atlantis needs him, that his friends, aye, his family needs him. That the danger of clawed beasts attacking might be over yes, but the wraith aren't going away, that our lives are in danger. And I've come to know that, John doesn't sit out a fight. He'll not sit this one out, will beat the infection, the fever and his own pain into submission and he'll do it because he knows we need him to stay with us, simple as that."

Evan didn't dispute Beckett's insight, could see it was the truth. Was strangely the truth he had been trying to get through John's head all day long. He gave a chuckle of surprise which earned him an eyebrow of inquiry from Beckett. "After the Koyla showdown, Sheppard thinks his team sees him as suicidal. That they don't trust him any longer to keep them safe. That he's so reckless he'd rather die than protect them, than stay with them. And here we are, knowing in our heart of hearts he's going to fight, wouldn't dare leave us, wouldn't let us to face the wraith without him."

Carson's features had crossed from surprised exasperation to relief as Evan talked, understood at the end what had made Evan chuckle in the first place. Sheppard doubted their faith in him, their trust in him to stay with them, to survive, to protect them, doubted what none of them did. "I admit freely that I was shook up after witnessing the Colonel engage in a wild west gunfight with Koyla. Especially after so many bloody bullets impacted off the Colonel's personal shield only for it to flicker out as the last bullet bounced off. We thought he was a dead man, then he wasn't, and then he challenged Koyla…and when the gun shot sounded…my own heart barely started beating again, I swear it didn't until Koyla fell and John didn't."

"So you do know the kind of day I've had," Evan smart mouthed back and Carson had to smile and chuckle.

"Aye, guess I do. But none of us think less of him for any of that, more actually," Carson concluded before confessing, "Though I could do with a whole lot less of the fearing he's going to be taken away from us."

Evan sighed out a "Ditto, doc. Ditto," letting his exhaustion bend his head down and the emotional strain of the day's events seep into his eyes.

Witnessing Evan's lowered barriers, Carson hopped off the bed and faced his patient. "Well from personal experience, keeping a healing Colonel Sheppard in line takes a village, so I suggest you let us tend to you proper then you take a wee nap and get your strength up Major. Because it seems you've gone and done it."

With a look of confusion, Evan demanded, "Gone and done what, Doc?" fearful that he had made another mistake he couldn't take back.

But the doctor smiled before he answered. "Got yourself inducted into Sheppard's little family. So let me be the first to caution you, it's no small task reigning in a hurting but fidgety Sheppard. It's not for the faint hearted."

Evan smiled in relief, that consequence for the crap day he had had was more than acceptable to him, even as he gave a mock objection. "Why do I think this'll take more courage than the Air Force or Stargate Program ever asked of me?"

"Because you have good instincts, Major. Now lay back and let me give you a once over," Carson began and then he was examining the Major himself while keeping up a litany of words in his Scottish brogue that eased more of Evan's tension.

Though keeping John alive had been his sole responsibility earlier in the day, now Evan had a whole city willing to pitch in and safeguard the man who had always protected them with his life. And that was reassuring, but more so was the fact that he wasn't going to be pushed aside to just be a spectator, would be there with John, with John's team and Dr. Weir. Could see John was going to be ok with his own eyes, not through a third person mediator which was how it happened so many times before. Course maybe that was because Evan hadn't been on the receiving end of John Sheppard's brand of loyalty before, hadn't thought he was going to die and have John save his life and endanger his own in the process. But he was going to be in good company, with Carson, Ronon, Teyla, McKay and even Dr. Weir. It was a club already. The 'John Sheppard nearly died saving my life' club. Some people were members and they had no clue, like every soul on Atlantis, but Evan wasn't oblivious, knew neither were the other golden tier members. They knew what their survival had cost John, had almost cost them and the ones that loved John.

It made him want to apologize to Doctor Beckett, to the others, for what he almost lost for them. It wasn't his choice, was John's, but still John was hurt because of him, in place of him. Evan said instead to the still fussing doctor, "He got hurt saving my life. The stiver was attacking me and he…jumped in its path."

"Sounds like him," Carson demurred like it was a chapter and verse he had heard before as he examined Evan's pupils reaction to light, determining if the knot on his head lead to a concussion.

"He just won't accept it," Evan bitterly grumbled finally snagging the doctor's full attention to look at him.

"Accept what? That he's not invincible?" Because hadn't Carson tried to drill that into the good Colonel time and time again. If the Major wanted to give it a go, he'd gladly let him but Evan's comeback was with another description.

"Not invincible. Irreplaceable," Evan corrected then blushed knew he was sounding melodramatic, like a nerdy stalker or a soldier blinded by hero worship. But Carson didn't laugh at him or belittle the pedestal he was putting John Sheppard on.

"Oh, ah, that's the harder one," the doctor sighed, regret in his tone, in the set of his slumped shoulders. That was the golden ticket prize, to get that knowledge into the Colonel's headspace.

"You said he wouldn't give up, wouldn't leave the fight but that's not the same thing as him knowing his worth, is it?" Evan asked, already knowing the answer. If John had known his worth, he wouldn't have doubted his team's steadfast trust in him, wouldn't have thought to slip out of the city without telling anyone, tag along on Evan's mission, get himself between his 2nd in command and sharp teeth and sharper claws, would have stayed here on Atlantis all safe and sound. It had been the thing Evan thought of the most throughout the day: That John didn't have to be there, he shouldn't be wounded, his life shouldn't be in jeopardy. He was at the wrong place, at the wrong time, had made one seemingly inconsequential decision and it almost cost him his life.

Studying Evan, guessing where the Major's thoughts were, Carson patted Evan's shoulder. "He might not grasp his worth…so it's a good thing we do." Knew that John's stubbornness to not give up, to defend his family, Atlantis to the end was worlds away from accepting what shambles his loss would do to the lives of the ones who loved him, to the city that idolized and survived and hoped because of him. "It's a back and forth thing we do, he saves us, we save him. He and McKay started it and the rest of us jumped in with both feet. You'll get the knack of it…well, you've already had a crash course."

"So what you're saying is, buckle up, things don't get smoother from here on out?" Evan questioned, had kind of hoped this was his one and only turn to have John Sheppard's life solely in his hands.

Carson did chuckle at that, asked with an incredulous smirk, "Smoother? With looking after Colonel Sheppard? I seriously need to get a scan on your brain because apparently it got scrambled today."

Evan good-naturedly swiped away the doctor's teasing reach for his head. "Ok, I got it. Air turbulence is part of the package."

Then Carson met his eyes steadily, seriously inquired like his answer would carry a lot of weight to it, "Are you up for that?"

"It wasn't in the Stargate Atlantis brochure but…" Seeing that Carson wasn't into light hearted banter, wanted a truthful answer, Evan gave it to him. "I wouldn't have signed up for the Atlantis program or to be his Second if I wasn't. I knew the type of man I would be reporting to and I'm honored. But, I gotta say, I'll never turn down reinforcements like I got today with his team and you and your team."

"Like I said, it takes a village or, in this case, an entire floating city to try and keep Colonel Sheppard out of trouble and in one piece." But then Carson sobered, knew that wasn't always possible, hadn't been today. "But sometimes that's not possible. Sometimes we just have to be satisfied with a happy ending."

Evan hated to be a pessimist but just had to be sure, ask one more time. "So he's really going to be ok?"

Carson wasn't offended by the Major's doubt, knew it was coming from a place of deep concern for Sheppard. Heck, he had had much worse tongue lashings from the likes of Rodney when he was in a panic over Sheppard's wellbeing. "Well, let's make a deal like I usually have to with Colonel Sheppard. You take a nap and when you wake up, I'll let you see him and you'll see for yourself that's he's going to be just fine with some time."

And Doctor Beckett lumping him in with Sheppard's stubbornness, it strangely made things better, eased some of Evan's worst fear. "Sheppard always said you were crafty, know I know why," Evan chided back but with a twinkle in his eyes.

To which, Carson chuckled. "I'll take that as a compliment. Now rest up, lad. I was entirely seriously about you helping keep Sheppard in line until he's healed."

"Why don't you assign me an easy task, like befriending all wraiths," Evan quirked and Carson smirked as he left. And as Evan closed his eyes, he sensed the doctor wasn't wrong, they were going to be ok, they all were because Sheppard was going to be ok. John had fought long and hard to get home and he'd fight to be back on his feet standing by their sides in any fight that lay ahead. It was just who he was.

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TBC

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More to come! And I promise John is in the next chapter! Hope you tune in.

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.


	10. Absolutions & Recriminations

Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

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Chapter 10: Absolutions & Recriminations

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Some rules don't apply to certain people. John Sheppard tended to believe that and John Sheppard's adopted family certainly believed that. The 'no visitors', the 'only one visitor at a time', the 'scheduled visiting hours', the 'sound advice to let trained medical personnel get near their patient to perform their jobs' rules, they all literally went out the window when it involved John or his team.

As soon as Sheppard had been wheeled out of the recovery area, it had begun. Rodney, Teyla and Ronon had wordlessly picked up the chairs in the "waiting area" and resettled them in various positions around Sheppard's bed. Elizabeth was more tactful, more respectful of the rules and simply ducked in, watched John for a moment in his drugged unconscious state long enough to reassure herself and then she had smiled at Carson a 'thank you' and left the Colonel in his capable hands, well, his and John's team's.

Because Beckett's nurses hadn't been allowed to get close to John when his temperature rose, was Teyla who snagged the basin of water from the well-meaning nurse and stroked the wet cloth over John's face and down his chest. Was Rodney who stole a blanket off another bed and tucked it around a shivering John, careful of his shoulder, his chest, of all the seen and unseen bruising. And when John fell victim to feverish dreams, his head started to toss and his weakened body found the strength to begin to push away the blankets, the sheets, seemingly to fight a foe in John's head, it was Ronon's presence that calmed him, not a sedative, the Satedan's strong hands gently keeping John from trying to sit up, sure to only press on John's good shoulder, his words spoken by Johns' ear, low barely carrying to the two other people at John's side. Not assurances that John was safe but that everyone else was. "We're all safe, we're not in danger. You can stand down."

Carson had seen it played out before, but it still struck him right in the heart. The care they had for John, for each other. Like he had told Major Lorne, he wasn't trained to be a soldier himself but he was starting to feel like a combat medic, to know the bonds of soldiers, of those who risked their lives for others, for those whose lives were constantly in danger, those bonds ran deep, deeper than familial ties. Remembered his Bible teachings about Jonathan and David, about Jonathan becoming one spirit with David, loving him as he loved himself. If that didn't describe John and his team, nothing did.

But then Carson amended it, as a scrub wearing Major Lorne snuck out of bed and dodged into the curtained off area that concealed Sheppard from curious eyes. Carson realized that his assessment described John's relationship with so many others. The Colonel gave his all for this city, for these people and it earned him so much fealty and love in return. Now the lad just has to accept it for what it is.

Carson smiled and turned away, would do his checkup on John in a bit, wouldn't intrude now that Evan had strategically timed his visit when Carson had miraculously shooed John's exhausted visitors away to get some food and a nap but Carson expected them back in half an hour or less. It was a small slice of time for the Major to have alone with his commanding officer but it would be enough.

Though he had had a front row seat to Sheppard's pain all day long, it was something entirely different to look down unto his Commanding Officer lying so still and pale in an infirmary bed. To see the stitches on Sheppard's head wound, the white bandages cocooning his shoulder, knew the blankets hid the bandages wrapped around his chest, saw that the Colonel's hands were sporting gauze as well, remembered John had cut up his hands trying to hold onto the Alpha as they both tumbled down the mountainside.

Whereas John had been flush with fever and exertion on their trek through the woods, now there was a bone whiteness to his face, made his dark hair a shocking contrast. But it still was spiking up in its standard salute and that had Evan smirking a little bit. Made him think Sheppard was still in there, being his cocky smart mouthed stubborn self. He was just taking a breather until he unleashed himself on the world again and the people who were tasked with being his keepers.

Claiming one of the three chairs stationed by John's bed, Evan fought back words that wanted to crowd out of him but John didn't need to hear, not another apology, not a request to transfer, not a rehash of all he had done wrong that day. That was about him and this wasn't…it was about having a man to follow that he trusted wholeheartedly, about being able to get to know his commanding officer as a friend, about fighting for their lives at each other's side and surviving. "I said I was sorry but I didn't say thank you, not properly. I know we all take an oath, swear to safeguard our country, our fellow soldiers, civilians…but there is a point where that oath is just words, is going through the motions of singing the National Anthem at a ball game but not _feeling_ it. But here in Atlantis …it's different. And out there, with you today…it was …more real than it's been for me."

Here Evan chuckled a little maniacally. "Not the 'I feel so proud of being an American Soldier' real but the 'I'm scared spitless and we might die and I've got the freaking military CO of Atlantis' life in my hands' real. Both terrifying and humbling and an honor and a terrible weight and…" Evan drew in a shaking inhale and snorted. "Great, now I'm rambling like Doctor McKay. You didn't warn me that was contagious. But then again you were acting like him today, being all pessimistic and whiny…" Evan startled as a groggy but disgruntle voice protested.

"I don't whine…" John refuted, forcing his eyes open to at least slits, knew he wasn't projecting his best threatening glare when Evan broke out into a beaming smile instead of cowering.

Smiling so widely it almost hurt, Evan brazenly disagreed with his CO, "Actually you do, sir."

"Don't sir me when you're picking on me," John tried to growl but it came out more a humming, gravely whine that so wasn't a whine.

"Yes, sir," Evan cheekily retorted, leaning forward in his chair to smile down at his CO. "I'd ask how you're feeling but you'd just say fine. I'll get Doc Beckett to get the real scoop." And Evan started to stand up but John reached out, snagged his wrist and Evan instantly froze in concern. "What's wrong? Are you having trouble breathing? Are you in a lot of pain? I'll get…"

"Sit a minute," John commanded, saw Evan hesitate, knew that the Major was reacting out of concern for him. "I promise that I won't do anything undignified like die if you delay ratting out to Carson that I'm awake."

And that was just sassy enough, 'Sheppard' enough to ease Evan's fears, allow him to calmly reclaim his seat, wait until John gathered his meager strength to tell him what he wanted to. But all the while he watched John, furtively snuck glances at the monitors tracking the man's vitals. Wouldn't allow things to go down hill a blimp before finding the doc but John's quiet words had his eyes flying back to John's.

"Holland told me I had done good, that I wasn't failing him," John had never told a soul about his last conversations with one of his best friends, another friend he couldn't save, had lost. Though, Lord help him, he had tried. Had done what he thought was his best and it hadn't garnered him a miracle, only a stunning harsh loss.

Evan felt sucker punched, didn't expect, need this openness from John, especially not now when John was just waking up, still fighting to regain his strength…to keep his life. "Colonel, you don't need to…"

But John knew he had to say it, that the look in Evan's eyes in the woods, even now there was a tinge still dug into his soul, of regret, of failure, of shame. For things out of his control. Like they had been for him. "I didn't believe him…still….can't. But I'm here to knock it into you that…you did good, you didn't fail me. Even if things had gone…."

"Worse than they already did," Evan shamefully supplied.

John solemnly nodded. "If I had died, it wouldn't have changed the fact that you did everything you could, that sometimes we lose people, that we don't get to all come home. It sucks but it's….war, it's what we have to accept."

But Evan didn't see the defeat in that statement like John did. "But you don't accept it, you fight it, do the same thing all over again, risk…everything, your life to save a life."

John would have shrugged if his shoulder wasn't in burning agony, if merely keeping his eyes open, speaking wasn't sapping every drop of his energy, so he settled for a bitter sweet smirk. "Praying each time that things won't end the way they did with Holland. But they sometimes do."

"And sometimes they don't," Evan refuted with pride in his tone for his CO. "I know it's not a numbers game but you have to acknowledge that you've saved more lives than you've lost. Your friend Holland …he'd be proud of you, know that… that you weren't meant to die with him, that we'd needed you here with us."

"Live to fight another day?" John replied with a weak but recognizable smirk, a smirk he unleashed whenever he got a compliment and he brushed it aside like he was now.

Evan wanted to push the issue, get Sheppard to not downplay his intentions, his importance…but knew this wasn't the time, that John looked likely to pass out in the next second and he wanted to be kind…gentle…he could be right later. Or someone else could make John see the point he was trying to make. Three someones who had spent more hellish days like today, who owned John more than he did, valued John in depths he was just starting to fathom. So instead he lightly taunted back, "Fight another day, taunt Doc McKay, spar with Teyla, be Ronon's punching bag, give Dr. Weir grey hairs, make the good natured doc Beckett curse like a sailor."

"Hey, watch it," John grumbled at Evan's list. "My shoulder might hurt right now but I can still dictate an official reprimand for your file."

But Evan's only offered a parrying smirk back to his CO, and taunted like a little brother would, "For what, _picking_ on you?"

John paused a moment before he found the right lingo, "Disrespectfulness to your CO." He attempted to smile smugly but his face hurt too much for the expression to linger.

With a chuckle, Evan protested, "Hey, if anyone should have that in their permanent file, it's McKay."

McKay choose that timing to whip the curtain back surrounding Sheppard's bed, stare stunned at an awake John before a beaming joyous relieved smile lit up his features. "You're awake!" Then as if he replayed the overheard end of the conversation between the two military men in his head, he smugly demanded, "What should be in my permeant file? How many times I've saved Atlantis or just the Colonel's hide?"

Before Sheppard or Evan could shoot down Rodney's brag, Carson was there, reaming them out for not getting him immediately when John woke up. "Now out with you. This isn't a bloody town meeting arena." But he shot John a sly wink even as the expression he turned on McKay and Lorne was stony.

Lorne obediently vacated the area with a nod to Sheppard but McKay seemed ready to do a sit in. "What?! No, he just got awake. I sat here for hours when he was incoherent and he wakes up for the Major! I haven't even gotten to talk to him," he whined but Carson knew it was concern and fear and loyalty spurring Rodney's fit.

So Carson crossed his arms over his chest and bluntly said, "Ok, talk to him." His stance proving he wasn't budging from his spot.

Rodney looked at Beckett appalled, "What?! With you standing there like my aunt Gertrude, eavesdropping and waiting to pounce on something I said you don't approve of like she did when I talked to Cousin Charlene?!"

As usual, John took pity on his friend, intervened, "Rodney, it's ok. We'll talk later."

Worried eyes settling on John, Rodney still wanted to protest, thought John didn't look better than he had when he was unconscious, that he should look better because he was awake, unless this was just a moment of lucidity. A moment he might not get again and Carson wanted him to miss it. Knew he sounded tremulous when he posed to John, "You promise?"

And anywhere else, with anyone else, Carson would have been the one consulted, would have been his promise that his patient was making a recovery that a loved one would evoke. But not here, not with John Sheppard, not with the people who trusted John's word, his devotion. Carson saw the tension ease in Rodney at John's vow of "Promise, Rodney. Now get some rest. Ronon and Teyla, too."

Because John hadn't been truly lucid before but he remembered snatches of time he had risen above the void, and each time, his teammates had been there. Teyla's soothing touch, Rodney's rambling words, Ronon's strong hands and soft reassurances. Had been surprised to find Lorne had been his only visitor when he finally got his eyes open, viewed the outside world in what felt like days but by the darkness of the infirmary and Rodney's whine, was just hours. Long hours trapped in his own headspace. Honestly, he didn't relish the idea of falling back under that weight.

Though Rodney was taking him at his word, the man still shuffled on his feet, reluctant to leave, but ended up nodding his head. "Ok, well then….we'll talk….later." Eyes finally shifting to the actual doctor in the room, he stammered, "If there's…if he needs…"

But Carson knew what his friend was asking of him, earnestly vowed, "I'll get you if he needs you."

And John wanted to protest that, felt like he was being treated like a toddler being sent to the church nursery and if he got cranky, his mother would be dragged out of the church service to quiet him down. Except in this scenario, _Rodney_ would be dragged out of _bed_ to "quiet him down." It was humiliating and not needed and….just down right stupid. He wasn't four, didn't need a familiar face there every time he woke up, and he so didn't need quieted down. "I won't need you," he bit out in frustration but felt like a heel when Rodney flinched and paled, the man taking his words more to heart than he meant them.

"Right, of course…I'll just…go," and then Rodney was flying out of the infirmary.

' _John, you dumbbehind, you deserve to be alone_ ,' John rebuked himself silently at his friend's hasty departure. And that was what he was truly going to be: Alone. He was good at that once upon a time, had to be. Growing up like he had, in rotating big houses with empty rooms and his mother dead, his father gone for work more than he was ever there and his brother not interested in spending time with him. The outlining areas of Atlantis reminded him of his childhood homes, like haunted hallways and bedrooms where life should be but wasn't. There was just him. By himself.

Crap but he didn't want to go back to that. Didn't think he could survive like that anymore, not after….this. Them. Atlantis, his team…his new family. They had changed him. _'But not enough, not enough to learn my lesson. To think of the consequences before I act. Like I should have with Koyla. If I had left him live…Stop, John! Just…stop with the what-ifs! You didn't save Holland, you did save Lorne, you killed Koyla, your team is safe but they might have justification in not trusting you. Just look at the fubar today's mission with Lorne was, how you just treated a friend.'_

Remembered his brother, Dave's, words six years ago, their last conversation before John walked away, cut ties, gave up on his family like he felt they had already given up on him. _"You'll burn every bridge in the world just to prove you don't need anyone, won't you?! Guess what that gets you John: alone on an island with no way off. But maybe that's what you want. You turned your back on Dad and his dream of you running the business with him, you're pushing me away every chance you get, you shut Nancy out. Just remember this is your choice, not mine, not theirs."_

And his reply had been: _"My Choice?! That's funny because dad never gave me the choice to join his company or not, my job doesn't give me the choice to share my mission details with Nancy and you didn't give me a choice either. I could toe the line and do what Dad wanted me to do or I could disappoint you."_

' _So you know you're disappointing me, dad and Nancy and it doesn't matter. You're not going to change, are you_?" Dave had challenged.

' _No, I'm not. But if it's any consolation, most days I'm a disappointment to myself too."_ And he hadwalked out the door and they hadn't spoken since, couldn't see the point of even sending Dave and his dad a farewell video when the Atlantis expedition had thought they were doomed two years ago. He had said goodbye to them all already, he was someone from their past, long gone. But he didn't want to do that with his new family, say goodbye, couldn't _. 'But you might have blown that too.'_ Found that _,_ disappointing them, it was more heart wrenching then disappointing his blood family.

John almost startled when a hand fell onto his good shoulder lightly, jerked him from his thoughts. He looked up to see Carson looking down at him with an expression, not of reprimand or disgust but concern. "Are you ok?"

"Guess you don't have to worry about McKay being underfoot in here anymore." He smirked lamely, trying to make it a joke, that he chased his best friend off, used McKay's worry for him to hurt him.

Carson's brow creased. "You really think you scared him off, with that little bit of a temper tantrum?! Rodney McKay who practically invented temper tantrums?! I lay good odds he'll be back within the hour and give as good as he got. Best you fake sleep when he comes back until you're up to the verbal sparring you two usually engage in for hours on end."

"It's not hours…well that one mission it might have been….." he amended but then he fell silent for a full minute before he remorsefully declared, "I was a jerk."

Carson fought down a sigh, wished John gave himself a break. "You're in pain, been through a crappy day, just now woke up, still have an infection, a somewhat less raging fever but it's…"

"You saying I have an excuse…." John cut in, his dull eyes lighting up a little with Carson's defense of him.

"If anyone does, you do." And Carson didn't just mean today, for all he'd been through. No, it was for all the Colonel had risked and suffered in the defense of others. For the man he was apologizing for unintentionally hurting a moment ago.

"Still doesn't make it right," John grumbled, heart sick that he kept making the same mistakes, couldn't stop disappointing, hurting the people who took the chance on caring about him.

"He'll figure out you didn't mean it," Carson reassured but didn't think his words carried much weight as John's eyes dropped shamefully to fix on his bedsheet like it was fascinating. And John Sheppard enduring him checking his wounds, his temperature, his heartrate, blood pressure without a protest was downright unnerving.

John was fighting to stay awake when Carson lightly patted him on the chest. "Rest now, lad. Things will be better in the morning."

"My mother used to tell me that," John murmured as sleep claimed him.

"She was a wise woman," Carson quietly replied as John's eyes remained closed and his breathing settled into an almost healthy sleeping pattern. Pulling the bedsheets up to cover John better, Carson didn't leave, instead he settled into an empty chair as he let the confines of his doctor persona fall away and stayed as a friend. A friend who had been very worried about his wounded friend in the bed, still was and it wasn't just about the physical wounds. But like he treated the physical wounds, he knew he and the others would work to treat the emotional wounds scoring John Sheppard's soul, because that was what friends did for each other, was what families were all about.

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TBC (Yup I'm still going like the energizer bunny)

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Ok, I'm still having fun writing this story and I hope there's people out there still enjoying reading it!. Thanks for all the kind reviews ! I loved that you enjoyed more of the story. And more will come. Sorry it's been a little slow updating with the holiday (Thanksgiving for us in the States) and my seeking and getting a new job (Yeah!).

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.


	11. Long Way Around

Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

Author's Note: I'm finally back with another chapter! Again, not a doctor so don't take offense to any laugh out loud stupid medical inconsistencies but I had fun writing this anyways…like I enjoy watching medical dramas.

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Chapter 11: Long Way Around

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As he stalked away from the infirmary, Rodney grumbled under his breath, "Well that was truly a 'watch what you wish for' moment! I wanted the idiot to wake up, talk to me and he does and what are his first words to me? " _I don't need you_ ,"" Rodney mimicked in a childish taunting voice. "Which translates to " _Am scram, Get Lost, I rather talk with Major Suckup Yes Sir_ ," who consequently let Sheppard be a chew toy for those stiver things! I'm the one who saved him…well, me, Teyla and Ronon. But is he grateful?! Nnnnnooooo." He turned a corner and saw that Teyla and Ronon were making their way back to the infirmary. He groused out in greeting, "We're not needed so you might as well head to bed."

Teyla frowned in confusion. "Not needed. I do not understand. Has John…" fear whitening her features.

"He's awake, could spare the time to talk to Major Lorne but couldn't be bothered to say ten words to me," Rodney waspishly reported was going to pass right by his friends but Ronon put a meaty paw on his shoulder, ok it was a light touch but it still had Rodney stopping and huffing out in agitation. "He ordered you two to get some sleep." When Teyla and Ronon were still looking at him with confusion, he snapped. "Sheppard. He ordered, so you jump to do his bidding, right?! That's what you military types do." Because maybe that was why Sheppard booted him out, talked to Lorne not him, that he wasn't soldier enough for him, didn't snap him a salute every time he entered a room, that John's palling around with the Major today reminded Sheppard of what he liked about working with military disciplined soldiers who jumped at his orders, unlike certain civilian astrophysicists who questioned him on occasion, when it was prudent to think for himself.

"Military types, Rodney you are not making much sense," Teyla strived to read between the lines of Rodney's agitation. He was telling her good news about John it seemed but his tone, it implied something else.

Apparently Ronon was reading the same mixed messages Teyla was for he bluntly asked McKay, "Sheppard woke up, talked to Major Lorne, isn't that good news?"

"Well of course it is!" Rodney snapped, wondered how Sheppard could grumble out three words and Teyla and Ronon knew exactly what he wanted them to know and him, he could use half the dictionary and they were still looking at him like he had spoken to them in binary code.

Ronon and Teyla exchanged a look then in synch moved away from Rodney and continued down the hallway toward the infirmary with a little more urgency then they had originally been using. Both knowing that seeing John for themselves would be more settling than getting a better explanation from McKay.

Watching as his teammates headed the way he told them not to, McKay called out, "That's the wrong way. Sheppard ordered you to get some sleep." But the two Pegasus galaxy natives didn't bother to reply back to him and he stood there, hesitant. "Wait for me!" then he jogged to catch up to them, didn't know what he'd say to John when he reappeared, maybe he would stay out of the man's line of sight, after all he wasn't _needed_. But darn it, he needed Sheppard. Needed Sheppard's friendship and he'd eat as much crow as Sheppard wanted him to until they were on good terms again.

But as he, Teyla and Ronon entered the infirmary, Rodney forlornly wondered if he'd get the chance to patch up his friendship with John.

Whereas he had left the infirmary in quiet calmness, it was now loud, taunt with urgency and there was the terrifying sight of blood. Deep red blood splattered on John's white bed sheets, coating John's lips and chin, spraying out when John coughed like he was choking, apparently on his own blood.

Carson was there by John's side, bracing John against his own chest, keeping the choking man upright so he wouldn't lay back and suffocate from the blood pooling in his mouth. He was barking out orders to the nurses on the other side of the bed who were quickly unhooking IV lines and cords and lead wires. Then John and his entire bed were wheeled past his friends toward the surgery suite.

Numbly Rodney trailed after Sheppard and his entourage, "No no no…he was fine! He was awake! This is wrong!"

Ronon snaked an arm around Rodney's chest holding the other man back from blindly storming past the surgery doors. But he didn't say anything comforting to his upset friend, couldn't, not when he felt as shaken as the scientist. Sure, Sheppard had had a bad time of it but he was getting better, he wouldn't have left him even at Beckett's order to grab food if he had thought Sheppard was in danger of….well this. This ….Ronon didn't want to qualify what this was, except it seemed bad. Was certainly unfair. Made him furious and scared and helpless.

"Come let us sit," Teyla tried for a reassuring tone for her friends but knew it wasn't coming out right. How could she be a comfort to Rodney and Ronon when she could find none in her own soul. John choking up blood…it was a thousand times worse to see than the bloody, ravaging wounds she had treated on his body today. Maybe because in her village, at that occurrence, blood coming from their mouth, chocking them, there had never been any hope. A life would be lost and there was nothing she could do but stay with them until they succumbed to death. She needed to believe Doctor Beckett could prevent that from being John's fate, that all of Atlantis' technology, all of earth's resources, could save John's life.

Releasing his hold on Rodney, Ronon growled as he began to pace in front of the surgery doors, "I don't want to sit down! I want this to not be happening! We got him back here, he's supposed to be ok now!"

Teyla knew she should say that Doctor Beckett would do everything he could, that John was in the most capable hands, that John would fight to survive. But the words got stuck in her throat. John had fought, all day long. Hadn't given up, hadn't complained at the pain they put him in getting him back to Atlantis, trusted them to get him home. And if it all led to this…them losing John anyways. She couldn't bear that, didn't think any of them could.

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When John had sputtered awake with a cough barely minutes after he had closed his eyes, Carson instantly knew there was an internal bleed he had missed at the sight of blood staining the Colonel's lips. But that bleed, it was proving just as elusive to find as it had on the initial surgery. "Where is the bugger!" he railed as he viewed the CT scans of Sheppard's chest cavity and digestive organs before returning his attention to the internal organs under his fingers, shifting them, trying to spot the tear leaking all the blood inside his friend. Suddenly blood sprayed out from John's colon as he moved it to the forefront and knew he had to act fast, that John couldn't afford to lose more blood especially at that alarming rate. As if to prove him right, the heart monitor started streaming even as the technician was announcing "heart rate rapidly dropping."

And then John flatlined.

Cursing, Carson demanded suction from his nurse to remove some of the blood so he could see the tear even as he clamped down the organ, trying to cut off the flow. Knew he was up against time because he couldn't try and revive John's heart until the bleed was sealed or else all he'd do was pump the man's blood faster out of his body and surely kill him.

For the first time in a long time, Carson wanted someone else to take over, wanted someone better to replace him, someone who could see the damn tear instead of guessing where it was. But there was only him. Praying he was saving John Sheppard and not killing him, he relied on his gut instincts, like the colonel was known to do. ' _And if you're wrong, how will you face those people out there in the waiting room? Face the whole of Atlantis?! This was your mistake and if you don't fix it…if you lose him…_ ' To that hopeless outcome, Carson had no answer.

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"It's taking too long!" Rodney gritted out, nervously running his hand through his hair, his eyes never leaving the door to the surgery suite. "No one's come to tell us a thing!" Internally, he was aching to run out of the infirmary, to distance himself from the bad news he was terrified was awaiting them when someone actually did come talk to them. Didn't want to know that his best friend was truly gone, that there would be no time to apologize again for having yet another argument with the man, to patch up whatever was broken in their friendship, to tell John that he could take as much vacation time he wanted, didn't even have to tell them when he was taking it or where he was going when he was on it, just as long as he always came back to them.

"You are sure Doctor Beckett wasn't concerned about John's condition before you left. Maybe there was an indication…." Teyla cross examined Rodney for the third time.

"As I told you the first two times you asked that, no! No, Carson didn't seem concerned, just was kicking me out…well Sheppard actually kicked me out but Carson seemed unconcerned, wasn't hovering by Sheppard or checking his chart or …or watching Sheppard's monitors. It seemed….." Rodney choked on the next words, "Good…fine…Like things were going to be ok."

"Well they aren't!" Ronon snapped at McKay.

"Yeah, thanks for stating the obvious! Maybe if I hadn't been booted out of here, I'll know something but I was but I probably was only gone 5 minutes, maybe 7." So little time and yet it had all gone to crap in those minutes. Like a lot of their missions did in only a span of minutes.

It was that moment that Major Lorne got wheeled back in from his x-ray scan, saw the panicked stated of Sheppard's three teammates and hopped out of his wheelchair and crossed to them. "What's happened?! Did the Colonel have a setback?"

"' _Setback_?!" Rodney's voice rose in cutting indignation. "Yeah, you could say that! He was coughing up blood and Carson took him back to surgery at a run, so yeah, the Colonel's had a _setback_."

"Rodney it is not the Major's fault," Teyla interceded.

"Isn't it?!" Rodney challenged, seemingly righteous anger building in his chest. "He's the one that let Sheppard be kibble to the stivers. He's the one that scouted out the planet. How many times were you there again, Major?! Four?! And you never learned to beware of the man eating predators on your day long trek to the village?!"

Though Evan had been prepared for the blame before, it came as a blow to have it leveled his way now. And whereas before he would have guiltily taken it, now it infuriated him. "Yeah, you are so right, Doc. I thought it would be fun to be stalked by man eating lions so I decided to keep that tidbit to myself and walked us right into their feeding ground?!"

"You can do whatever you want for "fun" major, but I think Sheppard should have had a vote if he wanted to play animal kingdom," McKay scathingly flung back at Lorne.

"I don't think you can throw stones, Dr. McKay. You blew up an entire solar system and almost the Colonel along with it," Evan accused back, even as he knew he wasn't being very professional, that Sheppard would think less of him for getting into a shouting blame game with his best friend. Especially when McKay paled at his reference to the Doranda incident.

Before McKay could find the words to give as good as he got, Doctor Beckett exited the surgery wing, and everyone blocked his path. He held up a hand before the questions could start, but realized all the people waiting were suffering from a stunned silence. It was then he looked down at himself and realized, in his haste to give them word of Sheppard, he hadn't removed his surgical gown…the one splattered with John Sheppard's blood. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't take time…didn't think…"

"Is he alive?" Ronon bluntly asked, his stance tense, his expression tightly reigned in for whatever the news might be.

"Ay, he's alive but his condition isn't stable, not yet," Carson cautioned, had already given false hope to these people that John was going to be fine only to be wrong.

That half good news, half bad news, had his audience stymied into silence yet again. Surprisingly it wasn't Rodney who spoke first but Teyla. "What happened? I thought he was making improvements. Rodney implied he was awake. I thought that was a good sign."

Here Carson sighed, miserably admitted, "I did too. I am so sorry. There was an internal bleed that I missed in the original surgery."

Ronon's stance changed from cautious to threatening within a heartbeat and he stepped forward to tower over Carson. "You missed it," his voice a deadly growl of blame. "You missed him losing blood internally. And what?! He's been bleeding all this time, all day with Lorne, with us…and then we get him back to you, who's supposed to put him back together, _save him_. And instead you let him continue to bleed out for another _three hours_?!" His voice rising as the implications sank in, that they had gotten Sheppard home and he hadn't gotten the help he needed, was still in pain, still losing blood, still freefalling toward death.

"Let him?! " Carson repeated back in horror and then fury. "I didn't _let him_ continue to bleed out?! There was nothing on the scans, no indication in the original surgery of this bleed. I…I …don't know how I could have known."

But that wasn't good enough for Ronon, not if Sheppard died, not when Sheppard was teetering on the edge of survival. "Maybe because it's your job to know! That we trusted you to take care of him. Hell, maybe we should have taken him to the villagers, they might have done a better job of patching him up than you did."

"Now hold on a bloody minute! Yes, I missed it but to compare my skills to bloody backwater villagers with their bone knives, you go too far Dex!" Carson shouted back, looking up at the tall Satedan in rage.

"I don't know, Beckett, those villagers were smart enough to know killer lions were in their woods, so maybe they are smarter than we gave them credit for, apparently smarter than our own military XO," McKay interjected his own slam for Lorne.

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Radek joined Elizabeth in the transporter. "Thought I might visit Colonel Sheppard. I take it that's where you are headed?" he asked, hoped he wasn't intruding on her visit.

"Yeah, Carson let me know a couple minutes ago that John woke up for a bit. He's probably sleeping now but…I'm sure we can peek in on him as long as we're quiet," Elizabeth smilingly told Radek but when they exited the transport by the infirmary, quiet was the last thing they'd call the ruckus coming from the medical wing. Breaking into a run, Elizabeth burst into the infirmary, Radek only a few steps behind her to see, not medical personnel flying around in a controlled frenzy, but two simultaneous yelling matches going on between Carson and Ronon and McKay and Major Lorne." And surprisingly, Teyla wasn't attempting to play pacifist, had seemingly removed herself from the fray and stood against the wall, a stunned, forlorn look marring her features.

"What is going on here!?" Elizabeth demanded in her most strident tone…which no one heard, or didn't pay attention to. "Hey!" she shouted but still the four men continued to berate each other and she heard enough to get the gist: throwing blame around for John's condition. She was about to make another attempt to yell louder than the combatants in the room but then Radek gave a shrill whistle and a surprised quiet fell onto the group. Having gained their attention, she found herself a little unsure what to ask first. But no, really she knew what was clamoring in his heart for an answer. "Carson, is John….He's not…."

"No, he's alive, Elizabeth," and she felt weak-kneed relief at Beckett's words until he continued, "He had internal bleeding so I took him back into surgery. We're trying to get him stable now."

"Because you screwed up!" Ronon accused, pointing at Beckett and that might have started another round of yelling but Elizabeth shoved her small statured frame between the Satedan and the doctor and shouted, "Quiet!" McKay opened his mouth and she amended, "All of you!"

At having the floor again, she leveled her gaze on all of them, including Teyla. "Do you think John would want us ripping into each other?! _Over him_?!" That had the four combatants avoiding her eye contact in shame. "What did John say during the Iratus bug incident?" Elizabeth challenged of Rodney, who made a face before protesting.

"Come on, that was not what he was going to say as his last words," but even as those words left his mouth, Rodney felt sick, hoped they weren't there again, that he had heard John's last words this time for real. ' _And they were, he didn't need me.'_

Teyla forced herself to clamp down on the fear coursing through her and step toward the group, she still had to swallow convulsively before the words would come. "He said…for us to take care of each other."

Elizabeth nodded, felt her own voice a bit choked as she agreed, "Yeah, he did. That's what he'd want us to be doing now, when he's too hurt to be here for each of us like he usually is. We all care about John, and yes, we're all scared but I know there isn't a one of us that wouldn't do everything in our power to keep him from harm." She eyed Carson and Evan, knowing that they were carrying the most feelings of guilt. "John wouldn't lay any blame on you Carson or you Major for anything that's happened today." Both men solemnly nodded as they knew she was right. Then she turned her attention to Sheppard's team, the two men and one woman who were family to John. "And you shouldn't blame yourselves for not being there with John when he got attacked or here when he needed more surgery. You're all here now, were there for him today. Now we just have to do the hard part and wait."

Teyla's eyes were shimmering with tears but she nodded, was gently pulled against Ronon's tall frame as he quietly groused, "Hate waiting," but he was adhering to Dr. Weir's advice. Teyla wrapped her arms around him, knowing he felt as afraid as she did but it helped being together, with others who valued John as they did.

As for Rodney, he cleared his throat and turned to Evan. "I'm sorry…I was out of line. I just….you know hindsight and he ditched us and went with you today and talked with you ….It's just been a really bad day."

Evan nodded, "Yeah, I'm sorry too, Doc." Before he confessed with raw earnestness, "I …I keep thinking of what I should have done differently."

"Me too," Carson agreed, looked to Ronon for forgiveness and Ronon simply nodded his head. All was forgiven.

Elizabeth let out a pent up breath, and reached out and gave Radek's shoulder a squeeze. They were working through this but she knew it would all fall apart if John died, if these incredible people lost someone that important to them all. And honestly, she didn't think she'd recover well herself. John had come to be such a interwoven part of her life, of her command. He wasn't just a staunch supporter of her, the military leader of Atlantis, heck she considered him a co-runner of Atlantis right along side her most days, but he was a really close friend. Something she honestly didn't allow herself to have before, hadn't wanted before. And now that decision, it was causing her pain. ' _But John's worth it, even if he doesn't get that.'_

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The sight of Sheppard staggered Rodney. Less than an hour ago, John had been awake, hooked up to nothing scarier than an IV drip and being his grouchy egotistical macho man 'I don't need anyone' self. And now…he was lying deathly still, a machine breathing for him and a heart monitor there to detect if his heart started to do something wonky like…stop working.

Suddenly Rodney wanted to turn tail, not face Sheppard's vulnerabilities, the real possibility that this time his friend might not pull a miracle out of a hat. But that was why Rodney couldn't leave, had to stick around: To tell the stupid jerk he wasn't allowed to go trotting off to the hereafter. Rodney forbid it.

But as Rodney devotedly claimed a seat in the chair beside Sheppard's bed, it was heartbreaking so see John so fragile. "If this is a tactic to make sure I feel too sorry for you to ream you out for being a rude jerk to me earlier, not to mention ditching us for Major Lorne's company or playing Clint Eastwood with Kolya…it's working. Quite well, actually." Wished Sheppard was able to volley a snarky comeback his direction like you usually did, instead there was no change in his slack features.

Knowing Carson had only given them each a few minutes with Sheppard, Rodney didn't want to waste the time, like he had all day long. Always thinking there would be a later, a better time, when he'd fell more sure of himself to open himself up to his friend. But time didn't seem a commodity he had in abundance. Hoped he was only speaking of his visiting time and not _John's_ time. Knowing John would hate it, Rodney still slid his hand into John's limp one. "You know I'm not good at this…feelings and emotions and….same stuff you suck at but…I think this bears vocalizing." Getting no encouragement or wave offs from Sheppard, Rodney let out a tremulous breath. "You might not need me but I need you John. Not just for your Ancient gene, or your flying expertise or your illogical tactics that somehow end up saving our bacon again and again but the guy who believed I could be brave, could be more than a geek on your team. You believing I could be brave, made me brave. And then there's the whole…friendship thing that, honestly, I never saw coming. I mean…you're ….and I'm ….statistically speaking, we aren't compatible, you jock types haze people like me, you don't….become the one person they know they can be themselves around and you won't get sick of me. Well, sick of me enough to kick me to the curb. And I …I'm not ready to lose that, to lose you. So…." Rodney gave John's hand a squeeze, "keep your promise, John. You said we'd talk later, that means you talking, not just me. I'm holding you to that." Then he stammered, "Well…I guess….Carson only let me have five minutes and the others are waiting…"Rodney was finding it harder to leave then it was to originally stay but he forced himself to lay John's hand down on the bed, give it one more gentle squeeze before leaving.

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When Rodney left the critical care area of the infirmary, Teyla went to approach him but he kept his head down, held up his hand to hold her back and walked out of the infirmary. It said how upset her friend was that he left instead of reclaiming a chair in the waiting are. Looking to Ronon, Teyla straightened her stance, bracing herself and then headed in to see John. But like McKay, she wasn't steeled enough against the sight of John on life support.

Crossing to his side, she gently leaned her head against his as she spoke, "It seems like you have always been part of my life, John. And I can not imagine a future which you are not with me…with us, Rodney, Ronon and I. Elizabeth, Carson, Major Lorne." Pulling back she carassed John's check with the back of her hand, "I gave up being with my people for this cause but you are why I stayed on Atlantis, John. You gave me hope, strength when I was weak, belief in victory when my people only knew defeat. You are my family, closer than a brother of my own bloodline could be. I will not let you go where I can not go also. You do not have to fight alone, John. I am here and so are Ronon and Rodney and so many others who love you. Please don't give up, John. None of us can bear losing you."

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Ronon stood at the end of Sheppard's bed, his face stoic for a long moment before it faltered into despair. "You don't get to do this, Sheppard. We screwed up, yeah, but …this is too high a cost for us to pay. Kick me off your team or even out of Atlantis but don't do this, don't quit on me, on us."

Braving to drawer closer, he sank into the chair beside the bed, eyed up his friend before he bowed his head onto John's unwounded shoulder. "Damn you! Seven years I was alone and I could bear it! But you…you gave me a new home, a family and I wasn't alone anymore and now you're threatening to take all that away! Because, if you're gone…I can't stay here. It will be another home, like Satedan, too destroyed to do anything but break my heart and soul."

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Surprisingly, it was Ronon who exceeded the time limit that Carson set for visiting the Colonel. Determined to go and kick the man out, Carson slipped into the critical care section but the scene wasn't the one he was prepared to see: the tough man who barely cracked a smile let along wore his emotions on his sleeve had his head bowed on his friend's shoulder, his words choked and broken and Carson couldn't bear to interrupt the poignant scene. Stepping back, prepared to give the man a few more minutes, Ronon seemed to sense his presence, pulled back from John and looked to him. Turning back to his friend, Ronon gently cupped John's face in his big hand before straightening and then he walked by Beckett without a word.

Coming to his patient's side, Carson gave the monitors a glance but was drawn to his friend's too pale face. "Son, you're breaking all our hearts with this nonsense. Now I know you're in there, and you're fighting. You just have to do it a little bit longer. Fight for yourself like you'd fight for any one of us. We're all here waiting for you.

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"…Waiting for you…" John heard, meshing with the other things "Don't quit", "Been part of my life" "Keep your promise" but the words, the voices, they didn't coincide with his surroundings: The forward base in Afghanistan, troops moving out, his chopper on the tarmac, him calling across to Captain Trevor Holland who was heading to his own chopper, "I think it's your turn to bring the contraband libations tonight."

"I brought them last time," Holland complained.

"Because you lost the bet," John crowed. "And you still haven't paid up in full."

"For a mathalete you can't count!" Holland countered.

"Hey, I wasn't a mathalete! I played football, almost….."

"Made the farm team? Right," he sarcastically snorted. "The story doesn't get any truer the more you try and sell it, Shep."

"Well at least I…." Sheppard was volleying back when his helicopter exploded, blowing him backwards, but then he wasn't falling was flying, above, in a whole unexploded copter, was looking down…at the wreckage: Dix and Mitch's Pave Hawk copter was just….a ball of flames. RPG direct hit. And John's screaming in his mic for the medic is his ride to get prepared for him to land to give assistance but then his copter's swinging wildly to the right, RPG to his tail rotor. He's going down and he's not alone, when he looks to his right, Rodney's there in the co-pilot seat and behind him, Telya and Ronon are strapped into the back seats. He's crashing and he's taking them with him. The copter's stick is unresponsive; they are going into an unrecoverable spin.

He's going to do what he's been terrified of doing every day: die and take them all with him.

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Let it up to John Sheppard to be comatose for three days straight and then revive by scaring the crap out of Rodney by shouting and sitting up. His laptop jumped out of his jerking hands but Rodney didn't try to catch it. Instead he dove forward to instead catch John before the man either fell out of bed or slammed back onto the mattress and did more damage to himself.

Awkwardly catching John in a semi hug/hold, his chin pressed against John's shoulder as his arms surrounded him, it was shocking and so darn wonderful to Rodney when John looked at him, actually saw him, and croaked out, "Rodney?"

"Yeah, Rodney. Who'd you expect, Heidi Klum?!" Rodney sallied back without thought to his suddenly awake friend, because that was 2nd nature between him and John.

"More of a Sharon Stone fan," John countered hoarsely, his throat feeling like he was back in Afghanistan, inhaling sand with every breath. Then there was the pain in his side, chest, shoulder, head, well, everywhere. Suddenly sitting up didn't seem such a good idea.

"Sure, right, should have guessed, a femme fatale would turn you on," Rodney snarked back as John sagged in his hold like he's blown his spurt of energy and strength and was going limp like a ragdoll. "Oh crap, hold on," Rodney exclaimed as he struggled to bear all of John's weight to gently lever the wounded man back on the mattress. Half landing on the mattress with John, Rodney carefully extracted his arm from under John's back and then stared at his friend, like it was hitting him. "You're awake."

"Yeah, think so. Unless…" John tilted his head in a bit of confusion, "We weren't …we didn't crash, did we?"

"Ah not this time," Rodney gave in reply, not trying in that moment to be a smart aleck but careful with his answers. Carson warned them when the body suffered trauma like Sheppard's had, there might be some memory loss, haziness on details.

Looking at Rodney, John caught a flash of memory, no dream: Rodney in a helicopter, Ronon and Teyla too, them crashing. But that….it wasn't real. Was the drugs or his mind screwing with him, or his fears running rampant with his guard down. He was starting to recall reality: he and Evan running for their lives, lion like things with sharp teeth hunting them, his team coming for him. But then things got hazy. He could almost remember getting home to Atlantis…flashes of the infirmary…talking with Evan….saying something to upset McKay…choking on blood. And then nothing…until now.

He was about to ask Rodney what happened but something interrupted his train of thought. Reaching out to McKay, he touched the man's jawline where a beardlike hair thing was going on. "You've got scruff. Thought you said only backwoods hillbillies and lazy flyboys sported scruff."

Rodney grabbed John's hand as it started to fall, the man's strength again petering out. But he didn't place John's hand on the bed, instead distractedly held it in his own, like he had become accustom to doing the last days. "Excuse me if I've been a little distracted with sitting by your bed for the last three days waiting for you to wake up."

As that information sank in, John slowly asked for clarification, "Three days…counting the fun we had on Lion Planet?"

"No three days since you decided we weren't sufficiently worried about you and you started bleeding internally, had to get rushed _back_ into surgery and you've been lazing around in a coma since then," Rodney recounted in his usual snarky way that he did when he was nervous, worried or emotionally uncomfortable. John had a way of making all three emotions hit him at once.

"Three days? Coma?" John repeated back, trying to make sense of it all. It didn't seem like three days, seemed minutes ago when …he told Rodney he didn't need him, thought the man might not come back to visit him after that. ' _No, instead he camped out by your bedside forgoing even shaving_.' It was humbly, Rodney's devotion to him in light of how poorly he had treated him. "Rodney, what I said….about…you know…not needing you…"

"What, that? Didn't even remember it," Rodney downplayed, was standing up, "I'll better get Carson or he'll skin me alive if he knows I didn't get him the second your eyes opened." He was almost out of the curtained off area when John called his name.

"Rodney.." John implored, didn't want things to go unsaid, or wrongly said in their case any longer. He wasn't sure if it was good news when Rodney stopped his departure but hesitated by the curtain, not turning around. "I was a jerk….didn't mean…" he stammered, not sure of the right words but then he had them. "We save each other. Nothing says codependence more than that, right?" he tried to say it jestingly but when Rodney turned around, there was too much emotion in the other man's eyes.

"John, I thought this was it. You were gonna die and our last words…they weren't good! And I kept thinking about why you ditched us to go with Major Lorne and how I ticked you off because I didn't trust you to beat Kolya," Rodney rambled on, barely catching any air as the words rushed out.

John wasn't prepared for the frantic edge to Rodney's words, the sentiments, the fear the other man didn't usually showcase until…things had reached a critical mass. _'Like he thought you were going to die and were mad at him.'_ "I was wrong, Rodney. I…I shouldn't have just left without a word to anyone," because that was an easier offense to discuss than the big issues.

And Rodney knew they had other things to iron out, but he took the olive branch John was offering, had already forgiven him everything. Sheppard on the edge of dying had put Rodney in a very forgiving peace of mind. He had made a pact, one sided as it was. If John didn't die, Rodney would give him a free pass on…like everything since the day they first met. Course John didn't need to know that.

"You came back, that matters more," Rodney earnestly declared, gave a bittersweet smile, nodded his head and then headed off to get Carson. He didn't know if John would ever realize the truth of his statement. It wasn't John coming back from his excursion with Major Lorne he was grateful for, it was him coming back from the precipice of death. That was all that Rodney could ask for, had asked for. His smile turned full blown joyous as he dodged some nurses on his trek to Carson. John had kept his promise. They had talked. And they would talk some more and more after that and later too. Instead of tapping Carson's shoulder and saying "Sheppard's awake," Rodney announced, "You can unpack your guilt trip bags."

For a moment Carson scowled at Rodney's nonsense statement before it hit him. "Colonel Sheppard's awake?!" he excitedly realized, left Rodney in his wake as he sped to Sheppard's bed, but truly didn't draw in a relieved breath until John Sheppard met his entrance with his smirky smile and drawled, "How long do I have to stay here, Beckett?"

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TBC

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More to come! Thanks for still tuning into the story! Have a great day!

Cheryl W.


	12. In Good Hands

Scarce

Author: Cheryl W.

Author's Note: I'm finally back with the last chapter! And yup, it's a long one.

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Chapter 12: In Good Hands

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"Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falls; for he has not another to help him up." Ecclesiates 4:9-10

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Sheppard had a round of visitors after waking up: Ronon, Teyla, Evan, Elizabeth, Radek, and Rodney was always somewhere, either beside his bed or beyond the curtain and they were all being so …. _nice_. ' _Can I fluff your pillow? Do you need anything? Are you in pain? It's ok if you take a nap because I can come back later. Want some water? Want some food? Should I lower your bed? I can dim the lights for you?'_

Reminded him of when his mother died, how his teachers and the house staff treated him like he was fragile, would shatter apart if they said anything to him in a tone louder than a gentle whisper. His father, however, took another approach entirely – he forgot John existed. His brother, Dave, his dad remembered, Dave who was his dutiful 'yes' son, who had spent his mother's last days with his father, hiding from the death stalking their house. And John had never known which was worse, the not existing or the being pitied, being marked weak..broken.

He still couldn't decide because having visitors, not being alone in his considerable pain, that was..nice. But then again, the way they treated him…hadn't he gone up against the big bad wolf, ok, lion and won?! Wasn't he the hunter extraordinaire, a man of legend? A man worthy of revered fear not…pampering and soothing tones like some traumatized soul teetering on the edge of sanity? He wasn't teetering, wasn't traumatized, wasn't drowning in nightmares. Ok, there were a few but he attributed that to the drugs, keeping him under when he wanted, needed to break free of the dreams, of the memories. But heck, that was typical for him, was why sleep wasn't his BFF on a normal day and that was _without_ pharmaceutical anchors dragging him further from the surface the more he struggled.

So yeah, it was confusing, this mixture of need and irritation at his well-meaning company. He almost sighed in relief when he woke up this time and it was just Ronon by his side. If anyone wouldn't patronize him, it was the Satedan soldier. He struggled to sit up, wake up a bit more but he gritted back a groan when his shoulder, ribs, chest, head still spiked in pain even through the haze of the good intentioned drugs.

Ronon's "Hold up" was a little on the light side of his usual gruff tone and his hands that slid under John's shoulders were strong but they didn't jerk him upright, instead shifted him with something akin to gentleness until John was positioned against his pillows. Closing his eyes, breathing through the pain, shifting his arm in the sling meant to keep it immobile to not open the stitches pulling together the teeth marks on his shoulder, John wasn't surprised by Ronon's patient silence until he got himself back under control. ' _Crap, maybe I do need the coddling,'_ he bitterly thought as he struggled with the pain, the weariness, the desire to checkout and wake up when things weren't so damn painful.

But he fought that down, like he did the pain. Resolutely, he opened his eyes, saw Ronon was sitting in the chair, but it wasn't his friend's lazy frame thrown back as far as he could in the chair, long legs outstretched pose. He was hunched forward, elbows on his knees, eyes watching John's face, searching for…heck, John didn't have a clue. Rodney had wanted an apology, maybe Ronon did to. But John honestly didn't know what to apologize for. Ronon was a soldier, had to understand tactics, seen and unforeseen dangers, consequences. Life, death. Sure, he could apologize for the Kolya thing or the skipping town thing or the stivers safari? But when did Ronon ever want to talk about feelings?! So he must be reading it wrong, reading Ronon wrong.

He wouldn't embarrass either one of them by going all touchy feely. "What'd I miss happening the last few days? Any approaching hive ships? Eminent shield failure? Other impending doom?" Because the Pegasus galaxy wasn't known to give them a moment's peace and he'd been out of the loop for three days, wait, counting the day trip with Lorne and now it was morning…nope evening on another day…

But Ronon's features tightened into an angry furrow. "Why can't you be like all my other commanding officers?!"

So Ronon wasn't adopting the 'sooth the traumatize Colonel' mode, was maybe going to actually speak his mind, something he hadn't done since their shouting match over Kolya's corpse. It was both what John wanted and dread. His tone a taunting mockery more than a commanding bellow, he came back with, "Fine, Specialist Dex. Sit rep!" knowing it would evoke a real response, not a polite one from Ronon.

"Sit rep?!" Ronon growled, eyes lit with indignation as they pierced John's. Then Ronon was jabbing his finger John's direction. "None of my other COs would have done what you did!?"

"Fought down a savage beast with his bare hands? Or climbed a mountain like spider man?" John quirkily shot back, refused to show how much Ronon's accusation tore him apart. Crap, didn't he know what a lousy leader he was? He didn't need Ronon to say it aloud, he had Caldwell and the whole of IOA for that kind of dressing down.

But Ronon ignored John's deflections, wanted to reach out and shake the man, break through Sheppard's walls that he used to keep him out, to keep all of them out, to keep himself locked in, hurting alone. "Any other superior officer would have busted down my rank, kicked me off their team at my insubordination."

John wondered if the drugs he was on were too good because he wasn't tracking this conversation and, by the anger pouring off Ronon, he better catch up quick. "Insubordination?"

"I disrespected your decision, you going up against Kolya," Ronon gritted out, knew that moment burned between he and Sheppard, even if Sheppard didn't want to admit it.

"Oh, _that_. Actually you called me _stupid,_ if I remember correctly," John derisively pointed out, decided to heck with this, he wanted to get it out in the open, stop pussy footing around the issue that his team had lost respect for him and he didn't know how he was going to fix that. Couldn't start to mend anything if the topic was the freaking elephant in the room no one dared mention, except Ronon. But honestly, John hadn't wanted Ronon to be the first, maybe Teyla because she was the forgiving type. Or Rodney, they had already paved some of the ground work.

At the verbatim recall of his angry words to Sheppard, Ronon lurched to his feet, towered over the bed ridden Sheppard. "And you should have stripped me of my rank, put me off your team! You shouldn't have gone and…"

"Run away?" John supplied tightly, was calling it what it was.

But Ronon didn't react to John's words, was too caught up in his own guilt. " **I** screwed up! **I** should have been relegated to menial supply runs that turned deadly, not the other way around!"

Suddenly John was caught off guard. "Wait, you screwed up? How?!" Because he thought this was about his errors in judgement, knew it should be.

"I got captured by Kolya's men, was bait to get you in front of a firing squad, was useless while you faced off with Kolya," shame hueing the Satedan's words. Though Ronon hated voicing all the ways he had failed Sheppard, he knew that it wouldn't be right between them if he continued to pretend he didn't have sins to pay for.

"Maybe my memory is a little off but how I remember things is it was my piss poor plan that got you and the others captured, it was Kolya who invited me to the firing squad party, not you," John bitterly confessed his own sins before he caustically reminded his teammate, "And in case it still escapes everyone's notice, I _won_ against Kolya! Number one with a bullet and all that."

Without warning, Carson barreled into the curtained off area, the two men's raised voices having carried quite clearly through the entire infirmary. "What is going on in here?! Ronon, I said you could visit, not get into a bloody yelling match with him. Out with you."

John growled, "He stays."

"Colonel, I'm in charge of your health and this isn't…." Carson began, using his highest ranking medical officer tone.

"Beckett, leave us," John snapped. But when Beckett simply stood there indecisive, John made the decision for him by trumping Carson's tone with one of his own: The military commander of Atlantis tone. "That's an order, doctor." But instead of getting indignant at being tossed out of a wing of his own infirmary, Carson looked dejected at the harsh dismissal, which had John silently cursing himself for returning another person's good meaning concern with rancor. Softening his tone because, crap, he knew the man was just looking out for him, he entreated, "Carson, please." With the Colonel's moderated tone, Carson nodded his head in submission and slipped out between the curtain.

That left Ronon and John alone again. And John decided he needed to be the one to take the bull by the horns, no matter if the bull gouged him to death in the process, or well….destroyed the team that was family to him. "You act like you want to do this whole "I was insubordinate" guilt thing, but really, you're pissed at me. You all are."

"Damn right I am!" Ronon readily agreed before he cursed himself for admitting that. He seared his gaze into John's, needing to get through to his friend, to ensure that none of the horrible crap of the last days ever happened again. "You needlessly put your life on the line! With Kolya, then with Major Lorne's mission!"

"It wasn't needless!" John heatedly shot back. "I thought you of all people would understand. Kolya needed…"

"Killed. I _know_ that!" Ronon's shout stole the air from their small enclosure.

Taken aback by Ronon's choice of words, John uncomfortably shifted on the bed, grimaced at the pain of movement but held Ronon's gaze. "I was going to stay _**stopped**_ but…end result was killed. _Which I was more than ok with_ ," he said with some heat because if he was supposed to put on the hearts and flowers, dreg up some regret for ending Koyla…he couldn't. "And if that makes me a murdering bastard, so be it." Because he was tired of trying to paint himself as this good guy, this morally right saint for Atlantis, for his team. He wasn't that, hadn't ever been that and the strain of trying to wear that mantle, it was breaking him. "Let's just stop avoiding the real issue. You want off my team, I get that."

At that ludicrous statement, Ronon growled out a litany of Satedan curses before leaning over John and fisting his hands in the man's hospital gown. "You think this is about you killing Kolya?!"

Angrily, John grabbed Ronon's hands with his own, tried to dislodge them but they were like steel and his own attempts were weakened by injury and pain and, oh yeah, a coma he was just out of for a day.

"Kolya was a dead man! He wasn't walking away. If you hadn't killed him, I would have," Ronon menacingly vowed. At the surprised look on John's face at his dark promise, he snarled, "You think I wouldn't take _his life with pleasure after what he did to you!?" couldn't believe John didn't expect that from him._

But John gritted out a denial, didn't need Ronon to vow loyalty to him in that way, with words he didn't mean. "No, you wouldn't. You're not…"

"I'm not what?! A killer? A soldier? Your _protector_? Your _friend_!?" Ronon challenged, daring John to refute any of the labels he gave himself. "I am all of those things and I wouldn't have lost _any_ sleep slitting Kolya's throat." Let that sink in a moment, saw John swallow hard, registering his words, measuring the truth in them before Ronon admitted, a little choked, "But what I did lose sleep over was that gunfight scenario running over and over in my head and this time watching you get killed. All because you thought he deserved a fair fight, an honorable death, which he didn't. He lost that right when he let a wraith feed on you. So yeah, I was pissed at you, didn't mean…that I wanted…"

"It was my grudge with Kolya that got us into that mess," John grimly reminded Ronon. "He hated me and I hated him and the rest of you were just pawns for our pissing match. If you had died, or Rodney or Teyla or Carson, that would have been on _me_. So yeah, I took a chance, but I only risked myself, I didn't risk you guys, wouldn't do that. Not even for revenge. I wasn't that far gone."

Releasing his hold on John, Ronon's next words weren't words of anger but desperation, "You did risk us!" John flinched at the accusation. But then Ronon continued, "Something happens to you, it happens to all of us."

"No, even if Koyla had won against me, you would have gotten the drop on him before he could hurt anyone else." Frustrated that Ronon didn't see that he had thought things through. That he knew, even if he lost the gunfight, Koyla would be distracted enough for Ronon or Teyla to take him out before he could be a threat to them.

"And what?! Him killing you wouldn't have hurt us?!" Ronon angrily railed at John's blinded point of view. His voice strangled, he shouted back what had clamored in his soul when he thought Sheppard would die after the stivers attack, even after they got him back to Atlantis. "I lost my whole world, everyone I knew! What makes you _think_ I want to lose you too, Sheppard!?"

The heartbroken earnest words hung between them and Ronon turned his back on John, tried to get his emotions locked down. And John, for the life of him, didn't know what to say, how to react.

Hands on his hips, head bowed, back still to Sheppard, Ronon bit out, "Next time you want to punish me, send me away instead of yourself. Or even give me to the next wraiths we come across but don't….Don't quit on yourself, don't quit on us."

"I didn't quit," John sheepishly refuted. "I just….got a little turned around." Had lost his bearing, didn't know where he belonged with his team, _if_ he belonged with him, if they wanted him, trusted him.

Ronon snorted at John's deflection before turning back to the man who was his brother, soul deep. "You are a bit directionally challenged," he teased, lips turning up into a smug smile.

John's features lightened with the barb. "Hey, no using Rodney's politically correct insults on me!" he huffed out. Before he got that awkward, lost little boy look on his face. "And, for the record…. I wasn't trying to punish you, any of you. I wanted to give you…all of us…space. I know sometimes things happen and a team….it isn't the same afterwards." Prayed he wasn't talking about them, him and Ronon, him and Rodney, him and Teyla. Because he needed them, wanted them with him. More than he even allowed himself to want his father's respect or his brother's admiration when he realized both were unattainable.

Having caught John's words, Teyla chose that moment to make her entrance into the curtained off area. "But we are not merely a team, John, we are family. Family has the bonds to …endure what a team could not." Instead of being upset by Teyla's intrusion, her presence and her words eased more of John's tension. Before he could react to her words, she exhaled a shaky breath, and implored, "I hope you can forgive my poorly chosen words when I only wanted to protect you, did not want more hurt to come upon you by Kolya's actions."

"Or by my actions _against_ Kolya," John realized. "Yeah, I know. Sorry I got my dander up. Maybe I was in more of a revenge haze than I wanted to admit to."

"Revenge haze, huh?" Rodney repeated like he was putting it through its scientific testing as he too dodged between the drawn curtains to join the others. "Tell me, do most of your 'revenge hazes' involve you hiding out in a closet instead of shooting the man who tortured you and tried his best to kill you?" he drawled, amusement sparkling in his eyes.

"It wasn't a closet, it was a _safe room_ ," Sheppard heatedly corrected.

"Yeah, right, so much more sinister," Rodney sarcastically replied.

John sighed. "You aren't going to let me keep any of my dignity, are you?" Who knew he'd _want_ them to accuse him of being in a revenge haze?!

"You didn't rush out there and kill Kolya, like I honestly wanted you to," Ronon bluntly admitted. "You did what was best, not for your peace of mind, but for your team, to keep us safe."

"But you did not think to keep yourself safe. That is what we have …" Teyla struggled to find the right earth word for a moment, "… _issues_ with. John, to lose you…that would have been to lose part of ourselves that we can not bear to lose."

"In small words so even you can understand," McKay snarkily began, before his tone became choked with remembered fear, "stop treating your life like it's disposable, when it's not. Not to us."

"Yeah, what he said," Ronon growled, eyes pinning John.

McKay gave Ronon a surprised look. "You agreeing with me is kind of nice…and yet it's creeping me out."

Then they all looked expectantly to Sheppard, hoped their words, their sentiments, their pleas were getting through. Because sometimes things happened fast and there was no time for reflection but they had had three days, more, of beseeching fate to not let John Sheppard die. And it hit home how very badly each of them would take his loss, how deep their bond with him was, leaving none of them the luxury of being apathetic about any danger he put himself in.

At the three anxious looks lancing into him, John snapped, "What? If you're waiting for me to pledge to duck behind Rodney the next time there's a firefight…"

"Very funny," McKay snorted.

Teyla took the diplomatic approach. "We are not asking you to change how you lead us, John, only…that you value your life as highly as we value it." Even as she made the entreaty she knew John wouldn't, couldn't, not when he'd never accept just how important he was to each of them.

"That means no more OK corral showdowns," Rodney stipulated.

"Or being chew toys for things with teeth and claws," Ronon added, jerking his chin toward John's shoulder as if the man could forget the flesh rendering the stiver's teeth had done.

But Teyla had one more qualification, though she knew John would be uncomfortable with her request, she couldn't bear to leave it unasked. "And that you do not…walk away instead of talking when things become strained between us." And yes, John's eyes dropped to his sheets at her appeal, signaling again his dislike for things getting "emotional."

Picking at the bed sheet, John grumbled petulantly, "I guess I can agree to the OK corral and chew toy clause but the talking…" he scrounged up his face in displeasure, causing Teyla to laugh and claim a seat on the mattress by his feet.

"Is it not as painful as you and Ronon make it seem," she smirked.

"We get along fine with only a few words," John protested, looking to Ronon for an ally. But it was Rodney who spoke, and it was definitely not to take his side.

"You?! A few words!? _Please_. You can be as much as a blabber mouth as I am."

"I can attest to that," Evan said pulling back the curtain and joining the others gathered around John's bed. "He just never shut up on the trek through the woods. Probably how the stivers kept track of us."

"Et tu Brutus?" Sheppard sullenly retorted but there was a sparkle of amusement in his tired eyes. And behind Lorne, he saw Beckett hovering, seemingly a little afraid to approach after John's earlier dismissal. So John waved him in to join the gang. "Carson, tell them how quiet I am."

"You mean when you're not flirting with my nurses or whining about when I'll let you out of the infirmary?" Carson supplied with a wicked grin.

"Ouch, thought you took an oath to do no harm?" John protested but he was fighting back a smirk.

"Like my mother used to say, what's a little ding to your pride if it spares your soul," Carson drawled in his best Scottish brogue before he flipped on his doctor tone. "Now I think you've had enough excitement for the moment. Time for you all to skedaddle while I give him a once over."

"On no, no way," Rodney animatedly protested. "Last time you kicked me out, he went dark for three days. I'm not moving." And to prove his point, he claimed the chair to the left of John's bed with a huff, hands fisted around the arms of the chair like he was prepared to do a sit in, wasn't above grabbing some chains to anchor him to the chair if need be. And to John's right, Ronon settled back in his chair, stretching out his long legs under John's bed like he was in it for the long haul.

"This isn't a bloody debate!" Beckett railed at John's obstinate teammates. Not Teyla, who was obediently sliding off of John's bed, making ready to make her departure.

Not moving a muscle to leave John's side, Ronon resolutely announced, "Nope, it isn't," the direct opposite of agreeing with Carson.

"Like I said, I'm not moving," Rodney boasted.

"Guys, don't piss off my doctor. He'll take it out on me," John bemoaned, only half in jest.

"He wouldn't dare," Ronon drawled, a threat there as he looked to Carson.

"Who's the bloody doctor around here?!" Carson challenged back.

Teyla pulled away from the standoff and Lorne quickly matched pace with her as she headed toward the exit. "Shall we go to the mess hall before there's blood shed?" she offered above the raised voices of Ronon, Rodney and Carson.

"Sounds like a solid plan," Evan readily agreed, leaving John to the bickering threesome without a backwards glance.

A desertion that didn't go unnoticed by Sheppard, who called out, "Major, abandoning a senior officer in his time of need, it's going in your file for sure."

"It's Lorne with an E at the end, sir," Evan merrily supplied as he and Teyla escaped the pending carnage.

SGATSGATSGAT

Watching his patient from across the infirmary, Carson was starting to second guess himself. Though Rodney had brought John his formal air force uniform, the man had yet to attempt to get it on. Laid there in the bed, his hand almost absently stroking the ribbon metals on the uniform's left shoulder. He knew John hadn't recognized his approach when the wounded man startled when he spoke, "They'd understand if you're not feeling up to it."

The Colonel offered up his brash smile. "I'm fine. Just don't want to be in this monkey suit longer than I have to be."

Carson didn't believe that for a minute. His voice gentle not reprimanding, he contradicted John's claim, "I'm your doctor and I know you're far from fine. But I thought …getting out of here for bit…it might do you some good." A question in his kind eyes as they watched John's reaction.

That had John tilting his head, looking at Carson with suspicion. "Yeah, about that, you never let me go AWOL."

"It's not AWOL when I'm approving it. I think of it as a …little field trip," Carson corrected, added a smile to the words.

But John's eyes narrowed in further misgivings before he wagged his finger at Carson. "Wait, this is some…some attempt at a psychological therapy exercise. Everyone's been treating me with kid gloves…and now this?! This "field trip"!" His face darkened in anger. "If this is about me having a few bad dreams the past few days, hey, you see what weird stuff you start dreaming on the stupid drugs you have me on."

Let it up to John Sheppard to mistrust concern being shown for him. Carson's frustration had him shooting back a little testily, "It's not some….some therapy scheme! It's….you said….told them…." Then he clapped his mouth shut, hadn't meant to get angry with the man or say something that would hurt him or cause him to misinterpret the event they had planned.

John, however, had enough information to make a leap of logic and his face flushed with embarrassment. "They told you what I said…about Holland, about….wanting to properly …." But the last word got stuck in John's throat. He found he wasn't ready to say it in commonplace conversation.

But Carson said it for him, with earnest sympathy, "Grieve him. Yes. They told me. Major Lorne told me when he asked my permission for them to take you out of here for a few hours." John's eyes dropped to the bed covers, to his uniform, seemingly in shame. "But like I said, they won't be upset if we postpone it until you're feeling a wee bit stronger."

"Yeah, Holland's been dead four years, what's another few days huh?" self-hatred twisted in John's words.

Darn it, but Carson hated when his friends were in pain, maybe more so when it was emotional because he didn't have the skill sets to ease that type of hurt. All he could do was share his own pain and hope it helped. "I…I missed my father's funeral. Was away…well, you know the kind of things that come up working for Stargate Command." That had John's eyes coming up to his, waiting for what more the doctor would say. "So I visited his grave, alone. And it….was harder, being alone in my grief, knowing I'd….not been there…not when he passed and not even to….say goodbye."

"I'm sure he was proud of you, would never blame you for not being able to be there," John offered, knew if Carson's father had even an inkling of the goodness his son did, his words weren't lies.

Carson nodded his head in agreement, "Aye, I know it. But ….grieving is hard enough without….guilt and being alone in it. Losing someone you care about is a wound no medicine can heal."

"Only time, right? Healer of all things," but John didn't sound like he believed that at all, not with the bitterness hued in his declaration.

"Never really believed that. I think….good heals the bad. Good memories, good times,….good friends who'd do anything for you." Here Carson leveled a gentle smile at John as he qualified, "Friends that'd even go up against man eating lion like creatures for you."

John couldn't hold back a smirk at the specifics the doctor put in the last category. "Who would have friends stupid enough to do that?" he sallied back, a lightness breaking through the darkness in his eyes at the thought of his friends, of how they had come for him, saved him.

"My mum always told me that if I was a good friend, I would get good friends in return." But then Carson's lightheartedness turned into a reprimanding glare. "Course she never said my friends would be reckless idiots who never bothered to worry about their own wellbeing once in a while."

"Hey, I worry plenty about my own wellbeing!" John protested but Carson only grumbled a disbelieving, "Sure you do, Colonel."

Silence fell between them for a moment before Carson spoke, his tone threaded with emotion, "I know the others had their say…"

That opening statement had John shift uncomfortably on the bed. He had thought he had made it through all the heart to hearts about Koyla and the risk he had taken! Sighing, he grumbled, "But you want your shot at me."

Carson looked hurt at John's phrasing. "Not a shot, John. I'm not here to tear you down just…I know I do some blustering and lose my temper but…you should know that I'll always help you. Whether you get hurt on a mission, or ..or …slipping in the shower…or scaring years off me by risking your life right before my eyes. No matter the circumstances of you getting hurt, all I'll ever want is to heal you. So don't….hesitate… to come to me, admit when you're in pain."

Suddenly John knew what was prompting Carson's speech, that the doctor was feeling guilty for the internal bleed, that he hadn't caught it sooner. Also realized that Carson had somehow gotten it in his head that John had somehow suspected he was hurt worse and out of …distrust….or …pride…failed to mention it to Beckett. "Carson, I wasn't in that much pain. I didn't know about the bleed any more than you did."

"You were in a lot of pain but you..you…." Carson contradicted Sheppard's claim before sputtering in frustration and regret, "You downplay it like it shouldn't matter. When it bloody does matter!"

Not wanting to incur more of the doctor's wrath, John placated with an earnest admission. "What I'm saying is…I do trust you, Carson. Not just with my life but with my team's lives. Heck, all the lives on Atlantis."

His guilt not going away just because John forgave him, Carson stammered, "I know… I just….I'm sorry that I …"

"You saved my life, Beckett," John declared, cutting across Carson's guilty ramblings. "That trumps everything," was relieved when Carson's countenance lightened with relief, allowed him to steer things out of serious topics. "And if you help me into my uniform before Rodney gets back and threatens to dress me, I'll even try to be back here before midnight."

"Midnight?!" Carson's voice spiked nearly into an exasperated squeak. "You'll be back here in two hours or I'll come looking for you myself." But contrary to his drill sergeant tone, he was already pulling the covers off John and starting to gently ease John up. Swinging the wounded man's legs to dangle over the bed, he gave his patient and friend a probing look as John sat on the side of the bed. "How are you doing? You still up for this?"

Even with the aid of drugs, John was in pain, felt his chest tighten with each breath, his head swim with a wave of disorientation at his new upright position and his body ached from heel to hair, thanks to the tumble he did down the shale descent. "Yeah, I'm good," he hoarsely announced, hoped he wouldn't contradict himself and take a header off the bed.

"You're a bloody liar," Carson sighed, earning him John's trademark smirk. "But I was going to get you up out of bed anyway, might as well be for this instead of just having you wander around the hallway."

"I'd be very overdressed for the hallway," John teased back, patting his uniform, making his intentions clear that he wanted to do this.

"Alright, we'll take it nice and slow," Carson cautioned as he closed the curtain giving them privacy. He started with slipping the sling off John's arm and then carefully he began maneuvering the maroon scrub top over John's head. John hissed in pain when he moved his shoulder, felt Carson's eyes on him but he simply nodded his head, gave Carson the OK to continue. So it was a long process but finally John had his dress shirt settled over his chest, though not yet buttoned up.

It was at this moment that McKay entered the curtained off area without asking for permission, much like he tended to do when he stormed into John's room whenever he needed the man's advanced ATA gene for some project he was engrossed it. "Oh, thought you'd be all dressed by now," he briskly said in way of greeting.

John fought back the urge to grit his teeth at his friend's impatience and lack of sympathy. "Sorry I couldn't get my tie knot just right."

"You're not wearing a tie…" Rodney began in confusion before he got the joke. "Ah, you're being sarcastic."

"Yeah, I am, Rodney. So how about you go away and I'll meet you in the rec room," John suggested, would have made it an order but didn't think he had it in him to dredge up the old command tone.

With a smug smirk, Rodney shot down John's plan. "Nope. I'm your designated driver."

"Excuse me, Doctor Beckett," a nurse called from beyond the curtain. At that Beckett gave John a half apologetic, half devious smile and said, "Well, since Rodney's here, I'm sure he'll gladly help you get dressed, Colonel."

"No, Beckett….don't…" John nearly begged, but Carson patted his knee, gave him a wink and abandoned him, leaving Rodney shifting uncomfortable from one foot to the other and John vowing to pay back Beckett for his betrayal.

Knowing he didn't want to let John down, Rodney bucked up and took a step forward, nervously rambled, "I guess it's like dressing myself…but a little more ….personal…and awkward."

But John grabbed Rodney's hand before McKay could initiate contact; start to do something embarrassing like button up his shirt for him. "McKay, Beckett was joking. I'll get dressed and be out," he stated, jerking his chin toward the curtain, namely the _other side of the curtain_ where he wanted Rodney to wait for him.

For a second, Rodney was caught off guard. Giving John a scientific once over, he checked off things like how pale John was, the stiff way he was sitting on the edge of the bed, the slight tremble to the hand that was now releasing his, not to mention the sling that was on the bed, waiting to be put on again, and the three sets of bandages peeking out from between John's open shirt at his shoulder, chest and side. It equated to…John needing help, _his_ help. ' _And I'm not going to let him down_ ,' Rodney vowed to himself.

"Well, as much as I'd love to let you struggle to be all macho and dress yourself, we do have somewhere to get to before…I don't know, two weeks from now," Rodney drawled, because John expected caustic from him, accepted it, would handle that better than out and out concern and gentle tones. Then he pushed down his discomfort and John's and reached out, started doing up the buttons on John's dress shirt, rambled to keep them both distracted. "Major Lorne is running this memorial ceremony like a military operation. Made me swear to have you there at two pm sharp. He's much more …. _military_ than you are."

"Ah, thanks, you say the nicest things," John snarked even as it was a bit surreal watching Rodney McKay button up his shirt for him. He was itching to knock McKay's hands aside but knew it would hurt his wounded arm and Rodney would whine and whimper and take objection to his denial of his help, regardless that it was help Rodney didn't really want to give. But John had already hurt Rodney once by rejecting his help before he did the whole coma thing, he knew not to do it again. In truth, he valued his friendship with Rodney too much to risk another break between them.

Meanwhile, Rodney was jabbering on. "Don't get me wrong, the Major and I are like oil and water but at least he's a believable military leader. While you?! I know your hair isn't up to code or the fact you hardly ever tie your boots up. Not to mention…."

"Don't do up the last button, I like to breathe," John interrupted Rodney's attempts to fasten the button at his jugular.

"Oh, ok," Rodney said, dropping his hands before he tried to be all business. "So what's next, jacket or…pants?"

"Rodney, really, I got it from here," John replied, not wanting to prolong the awkwardness for either of them.

And as much as he would feel more comfortable vamoosing the scene, Rodney had, not for the first time, determined his friendship with Sheppard was more important than seeking out his own comfort. Or safety as the case had been on too many missions for Rodney to want to tally. So he forfeited the free pass Sheppard was offering to him. "No, no, Beckett was going to help you but he got called away so you're stuck with me. Let's do pants. Can you….Can you stand? If not we'll just…

"I can stand," John grumpily insisted, not knowing if he was lying or not. ' _One way to find out_ ,' he thought as he did more a slide off the bed instead of the hop he wanted to. Knew his caution wasn't out of place when his legs threatened to buckle on him.

In alarm, Rodney called out, "Sheppard!" as he caught the sagging Colonel under John's good arm and around his waist and propped him back against the bed.

Getting his knees locked, John reached out and put a hand on Rodney's shoulder to steady himself, met Rodney's wide eyed and worried expression with a chagrinned expression. "I'm good now."

Not sure if he should take Sheppard at his word, Rodney slowly pulled back from his friend, breathed out a pent up breath when John seemed capable of standing on his own. "You said you could stand?!" Rodney snapped, upset at how close he had come to not reacting in time, that John had almost collapsed because of his stupid bravado.

"I can stand, I am standing," John bragged, preparing to shuck out of the scrub pants before Rodney grabbed his hand, stopped his motion.

"Wait!" Rodney demanded before he stammered out, "You're not…you don't…you're not commando under the scrubs, are you? Because I seriously am not comfortable…"

Seeing an opportunity to avoid more of this embarrassing scene, John decided a lie was worth it. "Yes, Rodney, I'm going commando. Now skip behind the curtain and I'll get myself changed…"…

"You're lying?!"Rodney sputtered, couldn't believe Sheppard was making this even more humiliating for the both of them.

"Boxers, Rodney! I wear boxers!" John gruffly provided.

"And you couldn't have said that, what five minutes ago!" Rodney railed back.

John couldn't hold back a smug smirk. "More fun to traumatize you."

"Oh, ha ha, can see you _really_ appreciate my help," Rodney drawled. "Ok, let's get this moving along."

But John held out his hand, halting Rodney from touching him. "I got the disrobing part handled, Rodney." And to prove his point he dropped the scrub pants to the floor, revealing tasteful boxers that came down to his mid-thigh.

Having purposefully busied himself getting John's uniform pants, Rodney turned back to John and instantly exclaimed, "Holy crap! Your legs?!"

"Hey, they aren't that white?! I'm a little tan …but I tend to burn so…"John prattled, though he knew it wasn't about his lack of tan that had Rodney flipping out.

"A little tan?! You've got more colors going on than a 1960's hippie van?!" Rodney exclaimed at the sight of the deep bruises running up John's legs from his socked feet right until his boxers. "When ?! How did…"

"Tumbled down a cliff, remember. By the way, I wouldn't recommend doing that," John supplied before Rodney got into full rant mode.

Rodney paled at John's explanation and the consequences of John's "tumble." "Crap, right, I forgot. I mean, I didn't _forget_ but since I didn't see it happen and you, Mr. macho, didn't bother mentioning being in pain, from like the worst bruising I've ever seen on one person. No wonder you're been fidgeting around in bed, trying to find a comfortable position," he said in sympathy, as he eyed up his friend's bruised legs before he raised his eyes to John's. "And this bruising goes…." He gestured from John's legs up the length of John's body to his neck.

"Haven't looked at my back but probably," John downplayed, didn't need to see the bruising to know it was there, probably worse than his legs if his pain was any indicator.

"Oh, crap, that's not…sorry, I didn't know. Makes dressing oneself not an easy thing, huh?" Rodney offered, suddenly very glad he didn't bail on his friend when he needed him, even when it was something out of his wheel house like helping him get dressed.

"Yeah, pretty much," John confessed, owed it to Rodney to be truthful, to let him know in a roundabout way that he appreciated the help, even if he hated needing it.

And Rodney didn't undervalue the trust John was putting in him by letting him help, at _almost_ admitting he needed the help. "Right, then off with the old, on with the new," he said as he bent down, ordered, "Put your hand on my shoulder," which, surprisingly, John did without argument. Then Rodney tugged John's scrub pants over his feet one at a time and then slid the dress pants on, let John take over the procedure once the pants were at John's knees. But as John settled the pants on, Rodney remained close in case his friend lost his balance.

Then wordlessly, he picked up John's uniform jacket, slide it up John's arms as carefully as he could, though John still grimaced in pain at the shifting required by his shoulder. Jacket in place, Rodney again used his buttoning skills, did it up to John's jugular like he knew was proper military attire protocol.

Unashamedly meeting Rodney's eyes, John humbly said, "Thanks Rodney," meaning it for more things than helping him get dressed.

Rodney cleared his throat, "Yeah, sure. But we're not done," he nearly singsonged as he picked up the loathsome sling. He dared to smile at John's look of distaste before he gently maneuvered the sling unto John's wounded shoulder and settled John's arm in the fabric's hold. "Now you're good to go."

"Yeah, great," John grumbled, was even less pleased when Beckett decided to reappear then…and with a wheelchair in tow.

SGATSGATSGATSGAT

Carson and Rodney insisted the wheelchair was nonnegotiable and maybe he did appreciate it, knowing he felt like crap and standing up for five minutes let alone walking to their meeting area would have depleted more energy than he had. But he wasn't admitting any of that out loud. And Rodney wasn't even a bad wheelchair driver, was maybe taking it a little too slow but John's head was already protesting the motion so again, he didn't complain.

Rodney rolled him into the small rec room and as much as he thought he was braced for this, he found that he wasn't. Not when he was met with a table bearing Trevor Holland's picture and other pictures…of himself with Trevor, of their other Air Force teammates with Trevor, of a time John had tried so hard to bury. And that hadn't been right. Because, like Carson had said, good memories, they healed. But in his grief and guilt, he had buried the good with the bad.

Then the other occupants of the room approached him: Evan in his full air force uniform and Teyla and Ronon. Gesturing to the wall of pictures of Holland, Teyla timidly said, "I hope you do not mind. I …I…got the pictures from Holland's wife," suddenly afraid she had crossed a line contacting John's friend's widow, that the pictures were causing John pain instead of healing.

John gave her a bittersweet smile. "No, it's …it's good, Teyla." His eyes came to rest on the photos again, his hands ghosting over the pictures of him and Trevor, laughing, enjoying life and their service together…not aware of how it would end.

Not liking the sorrow in John's eyes, Ronon handed John a drink with a gruff, "Here," wanting to break the man out of his despondency.

Sniffing the drink, John discovered it wasn't alcohol. "Juice, wow. Quite the wild wake," he tried to joke but his team's smiles were forced. Then his friends seemed to share a silent communication with each other. Wordlessly, Teyla, Rodney and Evan broke away to the food table, leaving Ronon standing by John's chair, both soldiers looking at the pictures of John's friend.

It was easy for Ronon to see the comradery between John and Holland in the pictures. They had been warriors at each other's sides, yes, but more than that. They had been brothers in arms. A lot like he and John were. Ronon couldn't imagine losing John, remembered how close he had come to that fate times before but the past few days….it had teetered on the brink of happening.

Clearing his throat, Ronon began speaking. "On Satedan, we honor our dead with tattoos. But since I didn't think Carson would let me tattoo you while you were unconscious…." Ronon handed John a leather cuff bracelet with a hand tooled design in the leather. Ronon pointed to the checkered pattern encircling the band. "This is the Satedan symbol for remembrance."

"Like the tattoo on your arm," John surmised, saw a pleased smile emerge on Ronon's face.

"Yeah, just like it." Then Ronon pointed to a box in the pattern that had a few marks John didn't recognize. "This says Holland in Satedan." When John fell silent, his fingers brushing over the leather embossing, Ronon shifted nervously on his feet. "You don't have to wear it. I just….thought….but it's probably stupid…." Feeling foolish, he tried to take the bracelet back but John shifted it out of his grasp.

"No, Ronon, it's…" John felt choked at the gift, the sentiment, the time Ronon had put into making it for him. Looking up to his friend, he earnestly declared, "Thanks, Ronon. And I'm…honored to wear it." Made to put it on and Ronon instantly helped him snap it into place. Then Ronon seemed embarrassed by the moment, the emotions he himself was feeling, so he abruptly announced, "Well I'll….get you something to eat," and walked away.

Nervously making his way to John for his turn, Rodney was encouraged when Ronon clapped him on the shoulder as they passed each other. Reaching John's side, Rodney hesitated a moment, uncertain if his gesture was the right thing to do but in the wee hours in the morning it had seemed like a way to honor John's friend. ' _Hope this doesn't make Sheppard feel worse,_ ' he silently prayed before he handed John a folder, prefacing it with, "I unredacted it, the briefs that earned him his medals."

Opening the folder, John instantly recognized the picture of the medal on the first page: the Distinguished Flying Cross. Below the picture were the mission details that earned Holland the medal. Turning to the next sheet, John saw the Purple Heart Medal, and to Rodney's relief, John smirked, hoarsely told him, "I was on this mission. Trevor bellyached about us being overqualified taxi drivers but when we got into the thick of it, he was the one to take out the artillery firing on us. He saved my butt in the process and the ten soldiers I was "chauffeuring". He took some fire in his left shoulder, I teased him it was little more than a papercut and he gets a Purple Heart for it."

The next pages listed the Unit awards: Presidential Unit Citation and Gallant Unit Citation and the Global War on Terrorism Expeditionary Medal. Peering down at the pages John was reading, Rodney pointed out, "You were in the same unit at the time, got these medals too." John nodded, had remembered the way it felt getting the medals, like it was worth it, that they were making a difference.

"Clearly Captain Trevor was…a brave man. Honorable," Rodney declared, watched John's eyes go for that thousand yard stare, maybe lost in memories. "John…he wouldn't….the way he died…..it was doing what he believed in. He wouldn't want you to feel guilty that you couldn't save him."

Hoarsely, John conceded, "I know. He…he told me that…that it was Ok…I just.." he rubbed his eyes, fighting back the threat of tears, as the last moments with his friend replayed in his head. "He told me I did good, that I wasn't failing him. That he didn't want me to die with him."

Rodney felt his own throat thicken with unshed tears at the tremble in his usually stoic friend's voice, at John's recall of his friend's last words to him. "When I looked up his medals, I found another one….a recommendation he made." Rodney waved Major Lorne over. "Major would you read this…"

Taking the paper, Evan's eyes scanned it a moment before he looked to McKay, nodded as if in approval. Teyla and Ronon gathered around as well as Evan began to read. "Major John Sheppard, USAF is awarded the Aerial Achievement Medal award for meritorious achievement above and beyond that normally expected of professional airmen. Briefing as submitted by Captain Trevor Holland, "Major Sheppard risked his life in the defense of a medivac operation that was under heavy artillery fire. Without thought for his own safety, he did a low pass by the artillery stationed on the ground, drawing their fire on three occasions, giving the medivac copter time to get the wounded on board. With Major Sheppard's final pass, he destroyed the artillery and laid down a suppressing barrage until the medivac helicopter was out of range of small gun fire. The wounded, my crew and I would have all been lost if not for the selfless brave actions and unparalleled flying abilities of Major Sheppard."

John smirked, the gesture both sad and full of affection. "I _knew_ he was the one who submitted the request for me to get the medal but he never confessed up."

"It wasn't about him, sir, it was about you," Evan confidently replied, feeling like he knew a little more about Holland after looking over McKay's research on the man's military career. "He wanted them to honor what you did. Clearly he was proud to serve with you."

"He always said he was _crazy_ to serve with me," John recalled with a chuckle.

"That criteria for dealing with you certainly helps," Rodney joked, earning him a mock glare from John.

Looking to his watch, Evan suddenly announced, "Sir, I have something to show you. Can I…" and he gestured to John's wheelchair, asking if he could take control.

John good naturedly agreed with "Sure, lead away, Major." Then Evan was rolling him toward the balcony. He set the wheelchair brakes, situating John by the railing before he hailed someone on his radio. "Gentlemen, you have the green."

Suddenly, three jumpers zoomed across the sky in tight formation and John felt his throat close, knowing what was coming. The jumpers maneuvered the sky above Atlantis side by side and then John watched the jumper to the right break off from the other two and soar high overhead on its solitary trajectory. Grief hit John hard watching the aerial memorial of the missing man formation. But before he could drown in the sorrow, Ronon's hand came to rest on his unwounded shoulder and gave it a squeeze and Teyla crouched down beside his wheelchair, sliding her hand in his. To his right, Rodney was blinking hard as he watched the jumpers maneuver overhead and Evan was saluting for John's fallen friend.

Swallowed hard, John found his voice. "Guys…thanks….Trevor….he'd love having honest to God space ships giving him a last tribute."

"Well, we owe him our respect and our gratitude," Evan announced as he dropped his salute and turned to his commanding officer. "I read enough of Holland's mission briefings to know that you wouldn't be alive, here with us, if it wasn't for him."

Ronon spoke from behind John, his hand still on his friend's shoulder, "Yeah, he saved your life before any of us ever met you. So to me, we owe him more than we could ever repay."

"So do I," John quietly vowed, and regardless of the pain it caused his shoulder, John raised his right hand in a salute to his fallen friend as the solo jumper streaked home and it felt….right this go around, the respect he was bestowing on his lost friend. He wasn't caught up in guilt and pity and fears for his own future this time. Could say goodbye and honor Trevor's bravery, especially at the end. Silently, he sent a sincere thank you to Trevor for his forgiveness when he couldn't save him, for Trevor's gratitude that he had come for him, hadn't been alone. And John knew now how important that was, not being alone. His team, his _family_ had not left him alone and, even in agony, fighting to stay alive, it had been a comfort like nothing else could have been. In that moment, he had understood the true value of what he had given Trevor, not one of life saving, but one of love and friendship to the very end. It was maybe even a worthy gift for Trevor Holland's friendship.

Teyla squeezed John's hand, earning his attention. "We will have tea now and you can tell us more about your friend."

"I'd like that," and John meant it, wanted them to know the man Trevor had been, didn't want his friend's memory to be about pain anymore but about friendship, about courage and duty and honor. All the things Trevor valued above his own life. A man not very different from the people with John right then, people that cared enough about him, about his hurts to do this, to honor a man they never met.

John could almost hear Trevor joking by his ear, telling him that he didn't have to stick around anymore to bail him out of the trouble his crazy macho exploits got him into, that John was in good hands, had others willing to protect John in his absence. And for maybe the first time since Trevor's death, John felt some of the guilt over surviving all the scrapes with death he had had, on earth and now in the Pegasus galaxy, lessen. Started to believe that maybe it was ok he lived when better men hadn't. It gave him the chance to honor their memories, to continue the fight for good they had started and had not the time to finish, time for him to maybe become the man they believed he could be.

And he had people to help him achieve that, people that he would kill for, die for, but more than that. For these people, this _family_ that he had gained here in another galaxy, he found it in himself to not give up, to _live_ , even when, at times, dying would be far easier. But to die would be to leave them, and he didn't want to do that, couldn't do that. And he knew without a doubt, that they wouldn't let him do that, would fight for him, always.

He found himself smiling, even gratefully, as Teyla handed him a cup of tea and his friends settled around the table to celebrate the life of Trevor Holland. With a small exhale, he began to speak about Trevor, not without pain, but without guilt. Could revel in the good memories, and take comfort in the good company with him.

Trevor had on more than one occasion teased him for being the luckiest idiot to put on a uniform and strap on a gun, and today, John finally agreed with him. He was lucky, no, he was _blessed_ , the people gathered around him proved that.

SGATSGATSGAT – epilogue - SGATSGATSGAT

A few days later, John had finally gotten Carson's blessings to recuperate in his room. Though there were random unannounced checkups by the good doc, as if Beckett was hoping to catch John doing something he wouldn't approve of like escaping his room or off taking a jog. But even with his release from the infirmary, he was still relegated to a wheelchair if he was going for a long journey, to like the mess hall or the rec room his team had unofficially turned into their private movie theater.

A room he entered now, not of his own power but by Ronon's fast paced wheelchair pushing efforts. "Here's good," John announced as they crossed the threshold of the room, planned on walking the few steps to the couch. Ronon, however, ignored him and only stopped their momentum once he parked the wheelchair by the couch.

"Thanks James," John griped, though Ronon didn't get the movie chauffer reference. No, the big tough wraith killer was too busy seizing onto John's elbow and helping the man stand up, take the scant one step to the couch and then guiding him down to sink into its depths before releasing John's arm from his grip. ' _And I thought Carson was a mother hen_ ,' John silently groused, hadn't expected the big Satedan to be so….nurturing.

As if to contradict John's assessment, Ronon tossed a blanket right into John's face with a "here".

Somehow, John felt better with that rough treatment, like Ronon wasn't an alien after all, I mean he was but not…you know, not not himself. John tossed the blanket aside because, contrary to how everyone was treating him, he wasn't a frail old man, didn't need a blankie. However, the next second Teyla scooped up the blanket and gently settled it over his lap and down his legs, even tucked a pillow behind his head. He opened his mouth to protest but her sweet but resolute smile had him giving up the idea of rejecting her "kindness."

Then Elizabeth and Carson entered the room, each bearing bowls, while Evan trailed behind with water bottles in his hands. Elizabeth stopped by John, gave him a warm smile that he never tired of being the recipient of. "You're looking better."

"Well, you know, the UV lights in my room are helping to even out my tan," he joked, liked that she simply smirked back instead of pressing him for an emotional response or even a truthful one.

Rodney snorted as he passed by them, "Your legs, contrary to your claims, seriously need a tan."

"I'll work on that the next time I'm in Tahiti," John quipped back, nodded his thanks to Elizabeth when he was presented with a bowl that, to his enjoyment, was filled with popcorn.

Then Evan was there handing him a water bottle. "Sir…" he began.

"No sirs. We're both off duty, Evan," John cut him off with a grin.

Evan's toothy smile was a welcome response. "Thanks…John, for asking me to join the party today."

"Well, like it or not, you've been drafted into the inner circle. And trust me, it's a scarier career move than joining Stargate Command," John teased with affection for the younger soldier.

Evan chuckled. "I don't doubt that, Sheppard. My tours in the Middle East were spa days compared to this first solo mission with you."

"Come on, who doesn't want an awesome 'I was chased by savage beasts' story to tell their children?" John enthused to which Evan and Rodney replied simultaneously, "Me!" Grumbling "killjoys" under his breath, John began chumping on his popcorn. "So Rodney, what's the movie? Ronon wouldn't tell me." And John did not like the gleam in Rodney McKay's eyes one bit.

"Hold your horses until everyone's settled," Rodney sallied back and it was a few more minutes until everyone took their places. Carson and Elizabeth chose the small couch while Evan had the lazy boy chair. Ronon claimed a spot on the couch besides John, his big frame shifting the couch cushions and causing John to topple his way, but the Satedan easily caught John's shoulder and righted him before they could collide. Teyla sank down on the floor by John's legs into an Indian style pose, leaving the space to John's right open for Rodney who was standing by the tv, waiting for his audience to be ready for his big presentation.

Assured he was the center of attention, Rodney smirked and began his planned speech. "Sorry to say, I couldn't get "Brotherhood of the Wolf", well not in English, only in French. Stupid DVD company. I call that discrimination and if I could have…."

Before he could dive further into his rant, Elizabeth prodded, "Rodney,"

His frustration derailed, Rodney regained his smirk. "Anyway, so my second choice, you'll be pleased to know, is in English." And then he held up the DVD triumphantly: The Ghost and the Darkness embossed the DVD cover with a menacing picture of a lion and the two main stars of Michael Douglas and Val Kilmer.

John and Evan shared a look across the room, fighting back grimaces. Neither one of them were apparently thrilled to watch lions, or lion like creatures, for two hours, knowing the experience was sure to conjure up memories that continued to haunt their nightmares. But they were military men, and therefore had no intentions whatsoever of backing down and showing weakness.

Again waving the DVD cover in their faces, Rodney finally got around to putting the dvd in the player. Then he sank heavily into the couch beside John, obliviously jostling the wounded man. But John was saved from ping ponging off Rodney with his injured shoulder by Ronon, who, instead of yanking John clear of Rodney, reached over John's shoulders and put a big hand on Rodney's shoulder, insuring the man didn't bump into John.

"What?" Rodney obliviously groused at Ronon's manhandling.

Not bothering to enlighten the man, Ronon simply removed his hand now that the crisis had passed and settled back into the couch, his long legs stretched out.

Dismissing Ronon's invasion into his personal space, Rodney grabbed the popcorn bowl on the side table and enthused like a teenager, "I haven't seen this movie in a long time so if I do some startled jumping, don't criticize me too much."

"Oh, we'll criticize you as much as we want," John readily replied, really hoped Rodney jumped more than he did, because otherwise, this could get to be really embarrassing.

Evan also piped in with a, "We will absolutely pick on you if you so much as flinch."

Both the Colonel and Major found themselves tensing up as the movie started where Rodney cued it to. But it strangely wasn't a moving picture but an animated film flickering on the screen. And then there was honest to goodness _singing_ … foreign …African singing… that was strangely familiar to both men. A beat later, the movie's title page came up: "Disney's Lion King."

"I opted for the sing along version. Hope that doesn't get too spooky …spoil the drama for you," Rodney snickered, loved his joke as words appeared at the bottom of the screen: lyrics for "Circle of Life".

John grabbed the pillow behind his head and playfully whacked it into Rodney's face but the gesture only had Rodney giggling. To Sheppard's left, Ronon was practically falling off the couch, he was laughing so hard. The Satedan sputtered between his laughter, "The look on your faces," pointing to John and Evan, "…like you were going to see your first horror movie."

"Hey, you were pretty freaked by your first horror movie," John grumbled back, liked it better being the teaser than the teasee.

The next jive came from an unexpected source of Teyla. "Maybe this is more …terrorizing because it is the sing along version."

Glaring down at Teyla who was leaning against his leg from her position on the floor and looking back at him with a devilish smile, John scolded, "You too, Teyla?! I thought you were above this."

Without a bit of remorse she let out a giggle. "No, no I am not, John. Ronon is correct, your faces…" she burst into real laughter and then the room erupted into laughter from all but Evan and John.

Deciding it was pointless to try and be uptight about this, John shook his head and smiled, saw Evan was already smiling. No denying it. They had been had but good. Reaching over, John patted Rodney's knee, "Good one, McKay. You had us going."

"Oh, I know I did," Rodney gloated, tossing popcorn in his mouth and still smugly grinning like a fiend at John.

And John almost asked Rodney why they weren't watching "the Ghost and the Darkness" because clearly Rodney had the movie, had used the slip case to disguise "the Lion King" DVD. But the serious look now in Rodney's eyes as they held his stopped him, it was a look of concern, and care, like Rodney knew what John's question was. Suddenly John didn't need to voice his question, had his answer. They weren't watching that movie because Rodney wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt him, didn't want to risk drumming up bad memories for him. His best friend had instead tricked him into watching a harmless kid's movie.

When John opened his mouth to thank him, Rodney cut him off with a quiet, "Watch the movie, Sheppard."

John smiled and nodded his head, knew they didn't have to talk about it, Rodney knew that he knew. So he settled back onto the couch, groused a bit when Rodney tucked the pillow back under his head but it did make things more comfortable.

They were in the middle of one of Scar's singing numbers when John's head tiredly lulled onto Ronon's shoulder. And it was surreal, watching a cartoon, a freaking sing along one at that, and him using Ronon as a pillow without a hint of pride. Strangely, his brother's prediction about him came to mind and he realized Dave was right in a way. He had burned all his bridges and ended up on an island, because wasn't Atlantis that? An island?!

But after that, Dave was wholly wrong because he was far from being alone. Was in the best company a man could ask for, more than he deserved, surely, but he wasn't complaining. Sometimes you didn't get what you deserved…you got what you needed. And this, them, Atlantis, he needed each of them, even when he thought he didn't, said he didn't. But no matter all that, they had stayed by his side. And he trusted them to never make themselves scarce when he needed them and, right then and there, he vowed he'd do the same.

Giving up the fight to keep his eyes open, he heard Rodney crunching on popcorn beside him, felt Teyla on the floor resting against his right leg, and Ronon's dreadlocks were tickling his face but he was too tired to lift his head from the taller man's shoulder. Nearby there was Evan and Carson and Elizabeth.

It was all irrefutable proof that he was no longer just part of an expedition but he was surrounded by family, his family. A family that would always take care of their own, any way they had to. Even if that meant picking him up when he faltered, time and time again. Or, you know, making the really scary sacrifices, like watching a sing along cartoon with him to keep his nightmares at bay.

SGATSGATSGATSGAT

The End

SGATSGATSGATSGAT

Thank you so much to every single person who reviewed this story! You were the encouragement I needed to keep writing and keep posting until the story was done! And a shout out to all the silent readers as well! I have had a great time sharing my story with you all!

Have a great day!

Cheryl W.


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